“HOT AND COOL” JESTER JOKES
(Jesters poke fun at anyone)
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HA-HA SEXY GAGA JOKES
Ooo-La-La Gaga would bend over backwards. She’ll do anything to help her “little monsters.”
Goo-Goo Gaga exposes her breasts on boob tube.
You can play with Gaga’s pumpkins anytime.
A “little monster” fan kept abreast of Gaga.
Lady Gaga sure has a pair of balls – She dresses up as a man then shows her fanny.
Gaga’s boyfriend screws up.
Gaga was Alejandro’s ho in Mexico.
Roberto and Fernando didn’t give a “f – - k” about Lady Luck.
Lady Gaga had an orgy with Alejandro, Roberto and Fernando.
The lady loves Dick.
This blonde chick likes to ride his disco stick.
Dick got into Gaga’s box.
Dick sucked Gaga’s lollipops.
Paparazzi shoots Gaga’s pretty pussy.
Gaga thinks Hitler’s dad was a papa nazi.
Guys like Gaga’s sweet rah meat.
Gaga loves to eat hot sausages.
What gets Lady Gaga mad? When she’s f – - -ked up.
Bought a Lady Gaga doll so I can “Poker Face.”
How did Lady Gaga get her name? Guys thought she was a crazy lady.
Why did Gaga break up with her boyfriend Speedy? He turned out to be a “slow-moving” guy.
Gaga loves her new boyfriend Luc ’cause he doesn’t “f – - k” up.
TIGER “DIRTY” JOKES
The great “American-Prenup” – What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine. Tiger’s fate when he pulled down his drawers and scored.
Hey Moe! What Joe? Did you hear Tiger was “teed off” that his balls got stuck in some holes.
Say Harry what do you think about “shirtless” Tiger? Burt, he’s got a hairy belly and hairy nipples. When Tiger gets sexy with the girls it must tickle.
Tiger is a “con artist” Harry. How’s that Burt? He had multiple sex partners and didn’t use condoms. Maybe that should be Woods next sponsor Harry.
You know Harry, “shirtless” Woods should get into the entertainment business. Like what Burt? If he could “rap n da hood.”
Hey Harry – What Burt? Well Tiger finally made his “2010″ New Year’s Resolution. And what’s that Burt? Just putt and don’t “f – - K” up.
Burt, did you hear the latest? No Harry. They say this cigar company is offering a $100,000 “smoking deal” to mighty Tiger. But Burt, shouldn’t Tiger be interested in promoting his hot “sex appeal?”
Say Moe! What Joe? What do you think gives Tiger more satisfaction, the golf course or intercourse? When his balls go into the holes Joe.
Moe, “How did Tiger score?” Joe, “When Tiger roared along came more blonde whores.”
Hey Moe, did you know Tiger’s real first name is “Eldrick?” No Joe. Come to think of it Eldrick rhymes with “p _ _ _ k.”
Say Harry. What Burt? Did you hear where Tiger’s nuts got stuck in a slut? Guess Tiger likes to “f – - k” rough Burt.
Hey Burt! How did Tiger screw up? By lying down Harry.
Hey Moe! What Joe? I wonder if sluts know how to putt? Joe, you just have to put your balls out.
In 2009 Tiger had a great time. He allegedly scored with “14″ whores. Tiger, the golf pro who knows how to get his balls into the every hole.
What do you know Moe, Tiger returns to the putting green in the Spring. Tiger finally got over those sex flings Joe? Tiger took lessons in sexual behavior at this rehab facility. Now he knows where his balls should go.
Well Moe did you hear the latest? No, Joe. The rehab facility showed Tiger how to avoid getting his balls “stuck in those holes.”
Joe, I heard Elin is taking back Tiger. Now that’s a “hole-in-one” Moe.
Did you hear Joe? What Moe? Tiger can’t wait to put his balls out on the course. What a sight that will be on the putting green.
Say Moe. What Joe? I wonder why PGA officials have kept their mouth shut about Tiger’s sluts. Moe, obviously the PGA doesn’t care what Tiger had to say as long as he plays. After all it all boils down to how Tiger positions his balls.
Well if this isn’t something Joe. What is it Moe? “Tiger Paws” draw customers to this new sensational iPhone application. It could have been neat for cheats like Tiger Woods. There’s a prompt that deletes those embarrassing text sex messages. Cover your tracks – Wife or girlfriend can’t claw back.
I heard Tiger is back home in Orlando Joe. Moe, he’s into his old routine of exercising and playing with his balls on the putting green.
Hey Moe did you know that Tiger’s alleged ex-mistress, famed porn star Joslyn James showed up at an Oscar party? The ho obviously needs the dough.
Joe, did you hear the latest news. What’s that Moe? Tiger is practicing for the U.S. Masters in April. Now the public can finally view what his balls can do.
Now this is going to be something Joe. Yeah Moe. Comcast for the first time will be broadcasting the Masters in 3D and over the Internet. Think of the millions of lucky subscribers who are going to see Tiger’s balls pop out in 3D.
This just came in Moe. Tiger announced he’s excited to get back to golf and play with his balls. He’s just wondering what the public’s reaction will be.
Hey Joe, I hear Joslyn James is planning to be at Tiger’s Master’s grand opening. Isn’t she something Moe? I’ll bet she’ll yell, “Tiger you can put your balls in my hole.”
Moe, Tiger needs a lesson in good manners. He should not have said, “Goddamnit, you suck!” Tiger probably meant to say as those nasty plane banners flew by “Shucks! I miss those sluts.”
Joe, do you know the difference between Buddhism and Bootyism? A good screw.
Moe, I heard Trojan condoms wants to be Tiger’s new sponsor with a company slogan “Protect Your Peck.”
Hey Joe, Tiger missed the cut at Quail Hollow tournament. Guess he had his mind on those sluts Moe.
Did you hear Tiger say he had a neck injury Moe? I thought it would be a peck injury from those “hoes” Joe.
Hey Burt! Did you hear the latest dirt? What is it Harry? Tiger just came out with a new sex game. It’s called “Cheetah Repeater.”
Harry, I heard Tiger did not win the U.S. Open. Burt, his balls were too big for the holes.
Hey Joe! What is it Moe? Heard Tiger switched from eating breakfast at Perkins Restaurant to Hooters as the gals are a lot cuter. His favorite dish is grits and “hot sausages.” Tiger likes when the waitresses take a bite.
I’ll betcha Moe now that Tiger is divorced he can’t wait to get his paws around those whores.
Look who’s coming to Celebrity Rehab 4 Joe. Tiger’s #1 bang, Rachel Uchitel. This slut wants big bucks – It sure pays to f – - k. Now she’ll get paid as a celebrity just for whoring around the town.
Can Tiger’s new goatee tickle a pussy?
Harry – What Burt? Now that Tiger is divorced he can bang any whore. Maybe they don’t want him anymore. I heard he’s cheap and nasty. The guy has no class when it comes to a piece of ass.
ECONOMIC COMEDY
By the way Harry, is it “Stimulus” (or) “Stimuless?” I’m not sure Burt – I think the government wants to confuse us.
What is a U.S. recession? “Time off from work with no perks.”
What is global recession? “The World Stands Still.”
What is a depression? “Soup lines in tasty varieties.”
They fired me because I couldn’t afford the company’s health insurance. Then the IRS gave me a hefty penalty. Now I’m really sick from Obama’s stupid politics.
Did you hear the latest news Moe? No, Joe. Well, in order to pass the Health Care bill they say “Uncle Sam” needs more revenue – He wants to tax the banks, the rich and private health care plans. Joe, who the heck is Sam? Moe, he must be somebody’s uncle on Capitol Hill.
Moe, what do you think about employees “working for free?” Joe, at least they have a job. But Moe, the boss wants to furlough his employees with no money. Joe, you know money isn’t everything.
My company is having a “wage freeze.” That sounds like a cool idea.
In this lousy economy, who says “money isn’t everything?” It buys food, clothing and housing. Well, we could eat leaves off the trees, become nudists and rent tents.
Why is money tight? Did you ever try to stretch a dollar?
I came home one day to find my house was gone. The government removed it from my lawn. What on earth went wrong? They discontinued “Cash for Clunkers Home Program.”
I can’t figure out how Obama got into office. Here’s a guy who doesn’t know how to connect dots.
Obama’s policies add up to nothing but loose change.
President Obama’s future announcement to the American people. “You have nothing to fear my fellow Americans, but somehow the terrorists attacked us.” The buck stops with me. I take the blame. There’s not one person in my cabinet that’s a “lamebrain.”
Recent poll shows the President’s approval ratings have significantly dropped. Obama plans his strategy by moving the White House office to his vacation spot in Hawaii. He’s hoping to convince the American people that nicer views can improve his radical policies.
Are you a Democrat or a Republican? I’m an independent thinker. Oh, you’re one of those.
I heard the dollar was worthless in some foreign countries. Americans are trying to buy the Japanese Yen with Sen-Sen.
What did you think about Sen. Harry Reid’s racial Obama remarks? I thought Reid was a “wise white guy.”
Harry Reid tried to get special pork deals in Nevada, but his Democratic cronies don’t like baloney.
Go figure this one out Burt. Terrorists can now plead “not guilty.” They’ve got rights like you and me Harry? Burt, this is democracy.
Burt, do you know why Nancy Pelosi was elected “Speaker of the House?” She’s smart Harry. No Burt – Members of the House of Representatives say she’s a “loudmouth.”
Moe, did you see Harry Reid yawning at Obama’s “State of the Union” address? Joe, Reid looked like he was bored to death. I’m surprised other Democrats didn’t take a nap.
Joe, did you notice Pelosi constantly getting up. It must be hard for her to sit on her can. Don’t they call that “clap mania?” She must have that disease Joe. No, she just likes to clap Moe.
Obama promises “bipartisan” as long as Republicans don’t oppose him.
Obama is not taking any chances. His new flight rules before boarding Air Force One – All secret service agents will have to go through body and hand scanners.
Obama was against the war. Now he’s following the Bush policies. Quite a few displeased Democrats are retiring and stating: Obama, “Yes We Can.” Frankly, we don’t give a damn.
Obama is outrageous in Vegas! His new economic policy will stop change coming out of slot machines. He says, this is a good step in the right direction for people to start saving their money.
At a special news conference President Obama tells the American people, “It’s my way or the highway.” Some Democrats are seen leaving Washington via the expressway.
Obama caught “lip-syncing” while giving a speech. The Prez says it only appeared to be “lip-syncing.” Actually I was falling asleep. Just ask Nancy Pelosi – She’ll vouch for me.
Here’s the latest political news. The tea party has turned into a coffee clutch. No more bagels and tea. It’s donuts and coffee.
Sex change operations should be covered under the new Health-Care bill. Remember Obama’s campaign promise, “Change We Can Believe In.”
Obama to Biden – Get Real! You’re no f – - kin’ deal.
Peek-a-boo – Obamacare has surprises for you. Democrat staffers who wrote the bill and the President are exempt from the new health care plan. We are “privileged” not like the rest of you. This does not mean American citizens are being discriminated against. Everyone has constitutional rights.
Obama says I’m not a “Socialist.” Just trying to nationalize the banks, health care, Wall Street (financial reform) and private industry. Government control to cure America’s woes. That’s why the people voted for me so I could change the entire country.
Obama takes a stand on senior staffers at the SEC who were caught watching pornography. These guys work hard enough – They’re entitled to some good stuff.
President Obama wants the American people to know that no one from his administration bribes anyone. It’s the other way around, they bribe us.
Nancy Pelosi can’t seem to keep her big mouth shut as she speaks on “Health Care.” Protestors screamed and began to throw things, but Nancy refused to stop talking. The mean bitch just kept slamming her gavel stick!
BP CEO Tony Hayward accepts President Obama’s invitation to the White House with one exception, he prefers tea and scones to beer and pretzels.
Nero played his fiddle while Rome was burning – Why can’t Obama go golfing and BP CEO big shot Tony Hayward go yacht clubbing as oil continues to spill?
The Prez says, “I’m not concerned about job losses – unemployment benefits should fix it. The economy and BP worries me.”
President Obama says he knows what the average American Joe is going through for his family is also experiencing hard times. He’s cut down on expenses and taking his wife and children on vacation to Martha’s Vineyard in August.
Tony Hayward is finally getting his life back – BP is shipping him to Siberia.
Obama goes on “The View” not knowing the latest news. When asked who “Snookie” was he just smiled and shrugged. Who doesn’t know the “Jersey Shore” show. He certainly was unprepared. It leaves one wondering does Obama know what’s really happening to our economy.
This went down in history – Marie Antoinette, Queen of France danced around the Palace of Versailles. When told the citizens have no bread she said “Let them eat cake.” Michelle Obama sees fit to go on a luxurious trip to Spain at a time when people are living off of food stamps, out of work, a bad economy, no money. Marie Antoinette was not thinking of the people and neither is Michelle Obama. Why Spain and not the U.S.? Spending in our country keeps the economy rolling. Marie Antoinette was beheaded while Michelle Obama remains a featherbrain.
GHOST JOKES
You’re as dark as that sheet. I’m a black ghost who scares people from coast to coast.
You’re as white as a sheet. I’m a scary ghost who only scares people from house to house.
Oh, I’m shivering! You must be afraid of us. No, I’m just cold.
By the way, I never knew there were two different ghosts.
Ghosts don’t discriminate against white or black folks.
Well how come you’re such small ghosts? If you like us we come in different sizes. Small, medium or large.
Do you have skeletons in your closets? No, only bones around our homes.
You certainly are eerie. No, we’re just scary.
Do you know any ghostly tales? Only spooky stories.
Can you tell me a few? Go to the library – Stop bothering us.
VALENTINE JOKES
One guy says to another guy. “My wife is an angel.” The other guy replies, “My wife is the devil.” How do you know? She doesn’t have a pair of wings.
I see you’re all dressed up in red for “Valentine’s Day.” It’s the only way Fred will be able to recognize me as I just had plastic surgery.
You gave me a box of hollow chocolates. I thought they’d be easier to swallow.
This heart locket has another girl’s picture in it. Oh! I gave you the wrong locket.
The red roses you sent were wilted. It feels like I’ve been jilted. Honey, how can I make it up to you? By giving me a good Valentine screw.
BUNNY HOPPIN’ JOKES
Why do bunnies have large ears? Because they like to eat ears of corn.
What did one bunny say to another bunny? See if you can hop over me.
A bunny was hungry and decided to stop at IHOP.
Energizer bunny arrested for fraudulent cell phone charges.
How does a rabbit comb his fur? With a soft harebrush.
Two bunnies caressing in a vegetable garden. Lettuce love.
When a bunny has a fever – It’s a “hot bunny.”
One rabbit said to another rabbit – Can you hare me?
He’s a good egg – Always cracking jokes.
Before you put all your eggs into one basket – Make sure you know the eggsact total.
Easter egg cracked from too much pressure.
An egg said something funny to another egg who replied, “You crack me up!” Now my thoughts are scrambled.
Look! It’s a hoppy bunny.
This bunny got into a very “harey” situation.
What’s two drunken bunnies in a card game? “Gin Rummy Bunnies.”
Easter eggs don’t discriminate – They come in white and colors.
CHRISTMAS & NEW YEAR’S JOKES
Harry, what are you doing for New Year’s eve? Burt, It’s just gonna be Eve and me celebrating.
Why was Santa mad at the elves? For not taking the toys off the shelves.
What did Jolly Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve? It’s time for me to “rap in the sack.”
Every time I want to be with you for the holidays you always get “cold feet.” How do you know I’ve got “cold feet?” – You’ve never slept with me. Sorry, I mIxed you up with someone else.
What did a Christmas tree say to the Hanukkah bush? How come they didn’t cut you down – You’re still rooted in the ground? The Jewish bush replied, “Well that’s what you get for being a Scotch pine.”
How do polar bears make love at the North Pole? “Cuddly Bear Hugs.”
When Santa cuddled up to Mrs. Claus what did he say? “Kriss Me Baby.”
Jack Frost and Frosty the Snowman got into a snowball fight. Eventually they both agreed, “Let’s chill out.”
Why did Santa have sleigh trouble? Because his reindeer forgot to put on their fur coats.
What do elves hate to bake? Shortening bread.
What did one elf say to another elf? “Elf Me Baby.”
If anybody knows how to give a good “Snow Job,” it’s you. Hey, I never shoveled snow in my life.
What’s the story behind Rudolph the reindeer with a “red nose?” One snowy day Rudolph stayed too long in the cold and his nose froze.
Why does Jolly Santa say “ho, ho, ho?” He’s not allowed to say “ha, ha, ha.” When you live in the North Pole there are Christmas restrictions. So why doesn’t Santa move to the South Pole? Because Santa is too fat and too old.
Will Santa stop by my house? Only If you have a chimney. Well we don’t have a fireplace. Why can’t he come to the front door? That’s not the way he makes deliveries. I’m gonna be pissed if I don’t get my gifts from Santa for Christmas!
For girls who are naughty or nice – Santa knows how to spice up your life.
CRAZY JOKES FOR NUTTY FOLKS
He has a chip on his shoulder. Why doesn’t he take it off?
You look like a smart alec. No, I’m joe schmoe.
The boss gave him a “pink slip.” Maybe he’s gay.
I like fast food. I prefer slow cookin’.
You’re as cool as a cucumber. I can be a “Hot Tamale.”
How do you know he’s “Mr. Right?” Because he’s never wrong.
You’re a “Peeping Tom.” My name is Joe.
I got a ticket for Jaywalking. How come Jay didn’t get a ticket?
You are what you eat. Is that why you’re so fat?
It takes two to tango. I don’t know how to dance.
I’m returning the car. Why? It’s a lemon. I thought yellow was your favorite color.
Are you on the graveyard shift? I don’t work at a cemetery.
He lost his head over you. Did he find it? No, he’s still searching.
Pardon my French. Excuse my dirty English.
You’re barking up the wrong tree. How do you know it’s not the right tree?
I have a Charley horse. Well my horse is named Eddie.
Lend me an ear. Only if you return it.
That’s the last straw. No it’s not – I got another box.
Curiosity killed the cat. Do we know what killed the dog?
I walked a crooked mile. You must be dizzy.
I’m on pins and needles. That must hurt.
Do you have a circle of friends? No, most of my friends are square.
You’re a busybody. That’s what the guys tell me.
They’re gonna roast you at the party. Who’s cookin’ me?
How do you feel? With my hands.
Was that car expensive? It cost me an arm and a leg.
Put your best foot forward. Which one? They both look alike.
Are you awake? No! I’m sleeping. Then how can you be talking to me? I talk in my sleep.
I just got up from this horrible nightmare. What was the dream about? “You!”
Is “Holy Shit!” sacred? If God blessed it.
Can you lend me a hand? Which one do you want the right or the left?
Do you pass gas? I certainly do – Every time I pass the gas station.
You’re always talking dirty. I can talk clean. Just have to wash my mouth with listerine.
Either you’re stupid or smart. There’s no in between. What about half-wit?
Why do priests like to eat swiss cheese? Because it’s holy.
I’m leading a double life. Really! I have a twin sister.
Who was that girl you took out last night? I couldn’t tell, she was my blind date.
You can kiss my ass. I’ve never kissed a donkey.
It’s either my way or the highway. I’m taking a different route.
Can you crack a joke? Sure, why not – I can break it apart.
Are you in the dog house? No, I’m in the cat house.
Laughed my head off. I knew there was something different about you.
What kind of nuts do you enjoy? Starts with the letter “p” – Like “pen- -?
I lost my memory. I’ll help you find it.
You’re always screwing around. Is there a better way to do it? Yeah! Up and down.
Misery loves company. Don’t invite me.
You’re a “crackpot.” I’m no drug addict.
Time on your hands? Wipe it off.
Stupidity runs in your family. It does not – I’m the only stupid one.
I’m the census taker. Are you an African, Caucasian or Hindu? Can’t you tell just by looking at me?
You have a big heart. How would you know – You’re not a doctor.
You’re killing me! I never touched you.
You got a “poker face.” I guess it shows how much I love playing poker.
Man, you’re full of shit! I am full of shit especially when I take your crap.
Is your house in “apple-pie order?” I don’t buy apple pies.
You’ve got egg all over your face. I just ate breakfast.
You’re a hog. Do I look like a pig? You really want to know?
Let’s shoot the breeze. How could I shoot the breeze? I don’t own a gun.
Have you saved for a rainy day? It never rains where I live.
You look like “Plain Jane.” How did you know my name?
Put up or shut up! Hey, enough is enough. I can’t put up with you continuously telling me to shut up.
You’ve got to have the last word. No, I don’t. See – There you go again!
You can’t have your cake and eat it too! I just ate a delicious chocolate cake.
I’m in a hole. Here’s a shovel – Go dig yourself out.
Moe, leave no stone unturned. Joe, do you know how many stones there are in this world?
Holy cow! I didn’t know there were religious cows – God bless the animals.
You’re a real pig. Is there a fake one?
You have a forked tongue. Oh yeah! You have a spoon tongue. What the heck is a spoon tongue? Not as sharp as a fork.
Don’t cry over spilled milk – It could have been imported wine.
I need some “shut-eye.” What about the other eye?
Get out of my face. How the heck did I get in there?
I don’t like you hanging around me all the time. How does a few seconds appeal to you?
Eat those words! Do they taste good?
I got up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. What do you mean? It wasn’t the right side.
You electrify me. Really? I’m shocked.
Don’t be stupid all your life – Half is enough.
You’re a riot! Where’s the crowd?
You smell funny. That must be my cooking honey.
Oh go ahead and tickle me. Why? I want to see if I’m awake.
Moe, I betcha you didn’t know that God mends all souls? Joe, maybe I can give God my shoes to fix ’cause my soles got holes.
Who are those funny looking people? That’s your family.
You’re full of baloney! How did you know what I just ate?
I’m tired of you! Oh go to sleep and count sheep.
I’m special. Oh Yeah! What makes you so special? There’s nobody in the world like me. You ain’t kidding.
Show me yours – I’ll show you mine. No way, I’ve got a secret opening. Really? You need a key to my kingdom. There’s no other way to get in. Well, I know how to make a hole.
You’re pathetic! I’m just getting started.
The “grass is greener on the other side.” There is no grass on this side.
How stupid can you be? You’d be surprised!
You’re “nutty as a fruit cake.” When did you ever taste a nutty fruit cake? “I never ate one – I’m just not crazy about nuts.”
Asked this guy if he wanted to buy the Brooklyn Bridge. He replied, I got a “steel of a deal” for George Washington’s Bridge. By the way, which side did he buy, New York or New Jersey?
You’re dead wrong. That’s not true. I’m still alive – So I’m right!
You caught my eye. Want it back? No, that’s just my spare. “I see.”
When climbing the ladder to success – Make sure it’s sturdy!
“Who died and made you boss?” God! You can’t be serious? Why not, I got good connections.
Hey Moe, what do you think about living on the moon? Joe, what bothers me is that I won’t run into anyone I know.
You’re all washed up. No, I’m not. I forgot to take a shower.
THANKSGIVING JOKES
Two turkeys stitched together. “I’m stuck on you.”
“Turkey slams the Ham” – Stop being a hog!
“Ham slams the Turkey” – I’ve had enough of your “gobble-gobble.”
“Turkey Snitch” Hey Mom! Tom got into the hen house.
“Turkey Talk” Let’s make love before they stuff and cook us in the oven. What should we do? You can play with my drumstick while I caress your breast.
HALLOWEEN JOKES
Look! It’s a scary scarecrow. Stay away from my hay!
“Pumpkin Eater” It’s nice to meet a cute orange fruit. Can we bump pumpkins? As long as you don’t make a hole in my face.
One pumpkin to another pumpkin – Heard there’s a shortage of pumpkins this year. Boy, do I hate to be minced in a pinch.
This pumpkin complains to another pumpkin – I’m all dried up. Please help me! Here, you can have my “juicy fruit.” Gosh, I hope you don’t shrivel up. Don’t worry, I’ve been around long enough.
CLEAN & DIRTY JOKES FOR PLAIN FOLKS
It’s a “Cock and Bull” story.” I just want to know what happened to the “Cock?”
Would you rather eat or have sex? I can do both. “Pussy Eating.”
Do you like Tom, Dick or Harry? I prefer Dick.
Do you know how to grind? Sure do – That’s where I put my meat into.
I live in the red light district. Where’s that? “Little Whore on the Prairie.”
What’s a word that rhymes with duck?
Do you live in the city? No, I’m just a cuntry girl.
What’s been eating you lately? My boyfriend.
I’m in like Flynn. Flynn never got in.
This guy really turned me off. Let me show you how I can turn you on.
I’d bend over backwards. That’s my favorite position.
How does Dick and Jane have fun? Jane plays with Dick.
Have you lost all your marbles? No, I still have two balls.
Former VP Al Gore denies Portland masseuse played with his cocker, a hot dog.
Do you eat dates? I sure do – Eat everyone of my girlfriends I take out on a date.
Stop pulling my leg. I thought it was that other thing in between.
I’m looking for a snow job. We only do blow jobs.
Meg, you’re like a chicken without a head. Ken, you’re like a hen without a pecker.
Cat got your tongue? I don’t have a pussy.
I can’t stomach you. Then kiss my ass.
I’ll be Jack – You be Jill – I’ll show you how to get up the hill.
I would love to have sex with you. Sorry, but I’m booked till next year.
Have you seen my “shtick?” I don’t like dirty talk. I said my “shtick” not my “p _ _ _ k.”
You’re a joke. You’re a bigger joke. How big is that?
What’s a “cool Italiano?” Italian ices.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. You never told me anything a thousand times. You know what your problem is? What? You can’t count!
I’m turning over a new leaf. What happened to the old leaf? It withered away one autumn day.
Why are you in the insane asylum? They say I wasn’t thinking straight. Maybe they would have put me in a different place if I had crooked thoughts. What do you think? You’re not all there. That’s incorrect – I am here.
Do you believe in love at first fright? I don’t mind her screaming ever now and then.
Where can I find a hooker? Just go to “Craigslist.”
Are your neighbors a “pain in the ass?” – Haunt them to death.
The secret to a happy marriage. Don’t screw up!
I used to have a different life. Where was that? In a different world.
You don’t have to shout, I can hear you. But I can’t hear you!
I’ll keep an eye out for you. What’s the other eye going to do?
You have one blue eye and one brown eye. They give me a better view on life.
You look French. Really? You don’t look like an American.
I’d like a new life. This one isn’t working for me. Here’s your refund.
You don’t have a leg to stand on. Oh yes I do. See my false one.
Pardon my back. Excuse my front. What about sides?
I’m mad about you. Don’t come near me. You’re crazy!
Your dog barks all day long. Okay, I’ll reverse it – He’ll bark all night long.
A penny for your thoughts. Boy, are you cheap!
You’re not too bright. Gosh! I forgot to turn my lights on.
All you do is gossip. What else is there to do? Shut up and screw.
Life is the same old thing every day – Living and breathing!
I can’t stand you. Then sit down. Maybe you’ll feel differently about me.
You’re a soda jerk. You just hurt my feelings.
You’ll die laughing after you hear this joke. I’m not listening, I’d rather live.
You rub me the wrong way. I’ll show you how to rub me the right way.
Do you want to tell a clean joke? Then wash your mouth with soap.
Dirty jokes arouse the old folks.
Dopes tell stupid jokes.
This is cool! Good Humor jokes told by the ice cream man.
This is hot! Why is sex the best? “Saks” Fifth Avenue department store where shoppers get more.
Kopy and paste your date. Now you have a lifetime mate.
Experience is the best teacher. The teacher was my best experience.
This is a really dirty joke folks. Some kid was shoved into a pile of mud.
Mister, can ya spare a dime? If I had money, I would sit up all night counting it.
What happens to money when you put it in the fridge? “Frozen Assets.”
I need money in a hurry – Make sure it’s all in one dollar bills.
Are you for real? No, I’m fake.
When opportunity knocks open the door – It could be a whore! What more could one ask for? Two whores!
Are you stupid or smart? Let me think about this for a while.
I’m over the hill. It’s too far for me to walk.
I’ve fallen for you. Can I help you get up?
I screwed up. Really? I screw lying down.
You don’t have your head on straight. I didn’t realize it was on crooked.
Never met a person I didn’t like, except you.
I’m blue over you. I thought you looked a little off-color.
I can’t stop laughing. What’s so funny? I hit my funny bone.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, what is a body without a bust? “Flat chested.”
Why are people dying to get into the cemetery? It’s “dirt cheap.”
Why are people dying to get out of the cemetery? They don’t dig it!
I’ve got my eye on that seat. Don’t sit on it!
Did you contact your optometrist?
I did a two-step with one foot. How’s that possible? I tapped “twice.”
Is that what you’re wearing? Why, you don’t like it? Go put some clothes on.
Your “poodle hairstyle” gives you that dog-face look.
I’m a slave in the kitchen, but I’m free in the bedroom.
You’re invited over for dinner – When my wife is not home.
Where is Second Avenue? Right after First. Can’t you read?
I never worry about making mistakes – I’ve got an eraser.
You’ve got “no brains.” So why am I thinking about you?
What is Manslaughter? When you slaughter a man in a pig pen.
This is a fishy story. “Fish tale of a whale.”
Paris Hilton is a real dummy. That’s a fact! She’s in “Madame Tussaud’s House of Wax.”
Send Miz Paris to speak at the United Nations. She would improve our sexual relations. Then Iran would be putty in our hands.
People say “I’m funny” but my objective is to get your money.
This is the end of the jokes my website friends.
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© Copyright 2010, a creation by The Jester from Westchester
(One laugh a day keeps the doctor away)
All Rights Reserved
Posted by admin on April 14, 2010 under Economic Comedy (Obama Jokes), GaGa Jokes, Holiday Jokes, Jester Jokes for Young and Old Folks, Tiger "Dirty" Jokes | 
THE CHEATING GAME
Cheats and liars are about the same. They have no shame, no brains, and therefore quite lame. You might be surprised to find some cheats in the “Hall of Fame” with their names engraved as top players in all sorts of sports. Strange as it may seem these guys are out for one thing, to screw a dame.
The Unfaithful
Lawrence Taylor
Former New York Giants linebacker and NFL Pro football Hall of Famer may land in the can on sexual charges leading to a third-degree felony. Taylor posted $75,000 in bail which keeps him out of jail. He’s been indicted by a Grand Jury on third-degree rape and criminal abuse of an underage runaway NYC prostitute. On May 6, 2010 the police arrest Lawrence Taylor for allegedly paying a 16-year-old $300 when she was brought to his hotel room at the Holiday Inn in Suffern, New York by a pimp for sex. New York City federal prosecutors charge Rasheed Davis, the pimp with allegedly assaulting and endangering the welfare of a teen. The girl’s Uncle who lives in the Bronx called 911 to report her missing and that she had been text messaging. Lawrence Taylor was in court on July 13th with his attorney, Arthur Aidala, a legal paid analyst for Fox News who entered a plea of “not guilty.” Taylor appeared on “Dancing with the Stars” last year. The trial will be in 2011 where Taylor could face a prison sentence of up to four years. At one time he was abusing alcohol and drugs.
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Bold Kobe!
Kobe Bryant a professional basketball superstar had a sexual-assault charge. Bryant, the guy labeled as “Mr. Clean” for his untarnished image denied allegations in June, 2003 that he attacked a teen employee at the Lodge & Spa Resort in Colorado, but did admit to sexual contact. Charges were dropped as the victim declined to testify and an unspecified settlement was reached in a civil lawsuit. Kobe did not want to be scrutinized as a brute so later on he apologized to the young woman, her family, friends and the citizens of Eagle, Colorado for his behavior.
Many politicians play the same cheating game. Former V.P. Al Gore of Tennessee, Former Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York, Gov. Marshall Clement “Mark” Sanford of So. Carolina and former senator and presidential candiate John Edwards of No. Carolina went down the drain in political shame by ruining their good names.
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Al Gore’s alleged sexual encounter with a masseuse
In 2006 a complaint was reported to the Portland District Attorney’s Office against former VP Al Gore of Nashville, Tennessee by an unidentified 54-year-old masseuse. At that time the Portland woman made up her mind not to proceed with a criminal investigation into her sexual encounter with Al Gore. On January 8, 2009 Molly Hagerty, the therapist re-filed a complaint alleging Gore checked into the Lucia Hotel under the anonymous name of Mr. Stone, then made an appointment for a massage in his room and that’s when Gore sexually assaulted her. In May, 2010 she considered suing Al Gore instead the masseuse decided to contact the National Enquirer to see if they would be willing to print her story for a whopping $1 million. The masseuse claims she has DNA of the alleged sexual groping by Gore and has consulted with an attorney. Gore has denied sexually assaulting the therapist. On June 1st, Al Gore and his wife Tipper announced that after 40 years of marriage they’ve decided to split. Authorities have carefully investigated the masseuse’s allegations and found no DNA on pants, including a non-credible witness who turns out to be a homeless person, plus the fact that she failed to pass a lie detector test, her story would not stand up in a court of law. Two more masseuses have come forward claiming Gore’s inappropriate behavior. In one incident he allegedly was naked and asked the massage therapist to take care of his peck. The Gore’s spokeswoman said they are not upset over these latest allegations generated by tabloids for the stories are inaccurate and misleading. The public thought Gore was as a bore, but now they’re wondering if he lured the masseuse. After examining conflicting witness statements and insufficient evidence Portland, Oregon prosecutors have concluded that allegations filed in 2006 of sexual assault on a masseuse by Gore are dismissed.
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Spitzer “Sheriff of Wall Street” kicked out of politics
Former “Lovey Govey” illicit affair with high-priced call-girl Ashley Dupre’ kicked him out of politics. His wife and family decided to stick with Spitz. There’s now an Eliot Spitzer documentary which debuted at the Tribeca Film Festival. It depicts the rise and fall of Spitzer, his family, friends, tales and woes of corporate foes, and his connections with madams and prostitutes as an elite member of the “Emperors Club VIP.” Many NYC voters would like to see Eliot Spitzer run for mayor in 2013. Spitzer says he’s flattered, but it’s never going to happen. He’ll just stick to his family’s real estate holdings in Manhattan. Now we hear CNN has hired Spitzer and Kathleen Parker, award winning columnist to host their own primetime news show.
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Sanford tried to be discreet – Turned out to be a cheat
Gov. Sanford’s wife, Jenny gets a new life. She’s finally granted a divorce from her husband, Mark after 20 years of marriage because of his infidelity. He admitted philandering with Maria Belen Chapur, an Argentinian beauty. She was his “soul mate.” It was like Mark drove a stake straight through Jenny’s heart. Their marriage fell apart. If you have the housewife blues, it’s time to read Jenny’s book “Staying True.” Don’t let that lousy spouse screw you.
It didn’t take long for Jenny to mend. She found herself a new boyfriend. He’s Clay Boardman an Augusta, Georgia businessman who’s also been through divorce court.
South Carolina lawmakers after thoroughly discussing the governor’s misconduct have reached the conclusion that Mark Sanford will not be impeached. The governor pleaded not guilty, but agreed to pay $74,000 in fines when he broke the state ethics rules and traveled five days in June to Brazil for sex and thrills. Sanford also agreed to pay $36,498 penalty for an investigation into his itinerary that he used the state’s private aircraft, purchased expensive airline tickets and misappropriating campaign money. South Carolina is changing the rules so next time they don’t get screwed. The disgraced Gov. Sanford will not face criminal charges in the ethics case.
Is there a chance for Mark Sanford to rekindle his romance with Maria Belen Chapur, the Argentinian beauty now that he’s been through divorce proceedings? The two were seen together in the Florida Keys.
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John Edwards apologized for Sex Scandal and Lies
Next in line is former senator and presidential candidate John Edwards who tried to stay away from ex-mistress and former campaign videographer, 46-year-old Rielle Hunter, aka Lisa Druck, as she’s asking for $17,910 a month in child support for her baby daughter, Frances Quinn Hunter which Edwards refuses to pay. Looks like Edwards wants to get away from acknowledging that he’s the daddy of the baby.
It comes as no surprise that Andrew Young was Edward’s fall guy. Young lied for Edwards and said he was the daddy of the Rielle Hunter’s baby. In the meantime Hunter is planning to sue. If Edwards only knew what he was getting into. An ex-politician with no brains and no shame. This cheating louse buys his ex-mistress a house.
John Edwards’ spouse Elizabeth who is suffering from Cancer wants to personally meet the 22-month-old baby, Frances Quinn Hunter, and is insisting that her husband ought to pay for child support.
Teary-eyed Elizabeth and her cheating spouse, John Edwards have signed a separation agreement after being married for 32 years. John is sleeping with the other animals in his family’s barn. Some anonymous sources claim John might have harmed Elizabeth. Edwards has gotten himself into an ugly mess.
John Edwards’ “dirty little secret” after taking a DNA paternity test has finally been exposed. Now the whole world knows that he is the illegitimate daddy of his former mistress, Rielle Hunter’s nearly two-year-old baby.
It’s been revealed by a racy newspaper claiming that John Edwards asked Rielle Hunter to marry him after announcing he is the father of her baby. More gossip is rolling in that John and Rielle are engaged which Edwards absolutely denies any validity to these stories.
From baby trouble to earthquake rubble John Edwards shows up on the island of Haiti. Maybe Edwards wants the world to know that he’s human after all.
John Edwards’ ex-aide Andrew Young wrote a piercing sensational tell-it-all book “The Politician” an unflattering story of John and Elizabeth Edwards which should stun the nation. Edwards’ former staffer claimed to be the daddy of Rielle Hunter’s baby.
Young has a tape which he plans to reveal on the sexy details of John Edwards and Rielle Hunter’s shady love affair. Andrew Young’s interview will be aired on ABC’s “20/20.”
John Edwards’ former mistress, Rielle Hunter is suing Andrew Young and his wife, Cheri for invasion of privacy over a video Young claims shows Edwards and Rielle Hunter in a sexual encounter.
Andrew Young said the only copy of this sex tape is locked up in an Atlanta safe deposit box. North Carolina Superior Judge court orders Young to turn over the alleged sex tape which Mr. Young claims depicts a pregnant Rielle Hunter and John Edwards in the nude performing unprotected oral sex.
Judge Abraham Penn has sentenced Andrew Young and his wife, Cheri to 75 days in the pokey as the judge believes they have not told the truth about other copies of the sex tape while giving their sworn testimony.
Rielle Hunter “spills the beans” to GQ Magazine in an exclusive one-on-one interview. She got the hots right on the spot for “Johnny” Edwards when they first met in 2006 inside the lobby of the Regency in NYC. Later that evening they went up to his hotel room and screwed.
Rielle reveals her stuffed “animal instinct” in racy photos for GQ the popular men’s magazine wearing a white shirt and surrounded by white sheets looking like “Mrs. Clean.”
Meanwhile John Edwards is being investigated by federal authorities under a grand jury indictment for using presidential campaign money to cover up the love affair he had with Rielle, his blonde honey. Elizabeth Edwards maybe testifying against her estranged hubby.
Last by not least, Elizabeth is left with a broken heart. Under North Carolina law a person has the right to sue a “third party” for the breakup of a marriage which Elizabeth Edwards intends to do and has threatened Andrew Young for contributing to her marriage that fell apart.
Elizabeth Edwards decided to get things off her chest by writing a book titled “Resilience” the painful story of a woman suffering from Cancer and a cheating husband who confessed to screwing Rielle Hunter, his mistress.
The National Enquirer is up for the Pulitzer Prize in Journalism since breaking the secret love story of John and Rielle forcing Edwards to admit that he is the daddy of Hunter’s baby.
Rielle Hunter sits down and chitchats with Oprah Winfrey about her sexy encounter with Johnny. Rielle says, “I’m no home wrecker.” Oops! I forgot to put on my panties in photo shoot. Of course Johnny thought I looked cute.
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Ashley Dupre’ from ex-call-girl to sex columnist
Let’s see what former Gov. Spitzer’s side dish, Ashley Dupre’ has to say. The “ex-call-girl” tells it all as a sex columnist for the New York Post. Ask Ashley, the “sexy host” with the most. This rich bitch gives advice and tips on sexual relationships. Do ex-whores get paid more?
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Steve McNair’s Deadly Love Affair
Now it’s time for the deadly love story of former national league football star Steve McNair and his extramarital affair. He was found dead in his bed lying next to the cold body of his 20-year-old girlfriend who must have been in great despair when she shot McNair twice in the chest and head.
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The Juicy Tale of a Mighty Tiger
Tiger Woods tried to be discreet, but now his apologetic words are on the street. Tiger has to face the public disgrace that he committed infidelity and cheated on his wife and family. It’s difficult to hide once you’re a celebrity. “What’s mine is mine and what’s his is mine.” Tiger’s fate when he pulled down his drawers and scored. “Bad boy” has fling for “girlie things.” Condoms maybe his biggest sponsor.
Tiger’s beautiful Swedish wife Elin Nordegren who previously was a nanny and teen swimsuit model, buys her own six-bedroom home on the faraway small island of Faglaro, called Faglaro farm in Sweden. After Tiger’s infidelity why would Elin want to be in the same house with a cheating spouse? Violating one’s trust can definitely harm anybody psychologically.
Elin is suffering from all the publicity and humility. She’s been spotted not wearing her wedding ring. Is Elin leaving or staying? This beautiful young lady maybe filing papers in the State of California under “no-fault divorce” for an equal share of money and property.
The bookies set odds that Tiger and Elin will split with the prospects of a divorce settlement, plus what’s up with Tiger Woods’ future on the “green scene?”
There’s a string of rumors going around that Elin wants full custody of the children and half of everything. Split down the middle Elin would get $300 million. A large pill for Tiger to swallow. Meanwhile the word is out that Tiger refuses help for his sex and pill addiction. His life maybe straight downhill.
From an underwear model to a nightclub cocktail waitress, high-priced call girls, a cougar, stripper and two “porn stars,” Tiger loved and adored “14″ alleged mistresses perhaps more. The women say they are not whores. No one is really sure. They’re all coming out of the woodwork with their “kiss-and-tell” how they fell for Tiger the jerk.
Never judge a book by its cover, Tiger the mysterious lover. When all is said and done, Tiger’s father, Earl Woods was no different than his son. Tiger’s Mom, Kultilda (Tida) had to deal with her husband’s infidelity. It must have drove her up a tree. Meanwhile Tiger sets sail on his $22 million dollar 155-foot yacht “Privacy” for a lonely holiday away from the family with a bunch of cronies. Tiger needs time to analyze everything that’s happening. Some witnesses believe Tiger’s yacht is still docked.
Now we hear that Tiger got a court order to block his nude photos, but it maybe too late as Playgirl has come on the scene waiting to confirm the authenticity of these nude pics then they’ll be published in their magazine. Were the alleged mistresses paid big bucks to keep their mouth shut? How much did Tiger pay for each “f – - k?”
Some sponsors have stopped advertising as Tiger wants his privacy. While Tiger lays low Proctor & Gamble’s Gillette officially phases out the pro’s razor shaves. Other giant companies such as Nike, EA Sports and Upper Deck are losing money over Tiger’s infidelity, but so far they are sponsoring.
Pepsi’s Gatorade Tiger Focus drink, Kelloggs and Accenture were the first to go. They will no longer sponsor the golf pro. AT&T will not be sponsoring Tiger for its text messaging. They’ve decided he’s not the right man for their cell phone service plans.
The clock stops as TAG Heuer the famous Swiss watchmaker drops Tiger from its U.S. advertising campaign. In light of all the shame and drama Tiger receives “PGA Tour Player of the Year award” while the Associated Press names Tiger “Athlete of the Decade” discounting his escapades.
Since Tiger’s car crash and surmounting infidelities, GM has officially announced they will no longer be sponsoring the golf pro.
Well here’s some good news. TAG Heuer has changed its view and decides to stand behind their man. Maybe the watch company believes like Nike that loyalty is the best policy.
An Orlando Corona cigar company is playing up to Tiger by offering $100,000 to sponsor the golf pro celebrity. It’s great publicity for the company, but will this “smoke deal” appeal to the mighty sexy Tiger?
The Tiger brand for “golf’s first billion-dollar man.” This Westchester County, NY company is racking up sales for its “Lucky Tiger” classic barbershop brand.
Here’s a sponsor with a big heart. Electronic Arts is standing by their friend Tiger to the bitter end. This #2 video game company is sticking like glue.
Tiger has screwed shareholders and sponsors out of billions of dollars. When Tiger stopped playing TV ratings dropped.
Tiger Woods’ infidelity could be turned into a Hollywood movie starring actor, Cuba Gooding Jr. playing the role of a troubled golf pro and his sensational escapades of the alleged “14″ whores that he laid.
The sad news is that Tiger registered into a six-week program at this “no-frills” Pine Grove Behavioral Rehab Facility in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in December, 2009 for group therapy and treatment of sex addiction.
It’s fact not fiction that Tiger’s wife, Elin has been spotted wearing her engagement and wedding rings. The blonde beauty has supposedly threatened to take their children to Sweden unless Tiger promised to stop cheating and enter a rehab facility. Elin has been seen visiting Tiger and it’s believed the divorce is off.
Tiger has shocked us by going topless on the cover of Vanity Fair. Looks like this golf pro is raring to go. Of course who would have guessed he already undressed to have sex with “14″ alleged mistresses.
Brit Hume, newscaster for Fox news, has stated that if Tiger put Christianity into his life it would definitely take away the sins of infidelity. Tiger favors his mother’s religion Buddhism. Maybe Tiger Woods should change his line of business. If he could only rap n da hood like Rapper Maino with his newest single go “Get “Em Tiger.” Perhaps Woods has wised up to all the bad stuff.
Well here’s a new scam by a Colorado man who was arrested on federal charges for placing on store shelves smart “Pop Art” pictures of Tiger Woods and his wife onto Gatorade Tropical-Mango bottle labels which read “Unfaithful.” What will some people think of next to make a fast buck? Tiger was just looking for a damn good “f – - k.”
Who knew Tiger would be coming to the rescue of Haitian victims by donating $3 million to Wyclef Jean’s Foundation hoping to create a mobile facility in Haiti. Maybe this will dampen Tiger’s escapades of infidelity.
There are rumors that Tiger is laying low somewhere in South Africa hiding from the media. Shame, shame to a guy with no brains.
It may not be a big deal, but here comes 20-year-old Rickie Fowler from Oklahoma who might steal the show from Tiger the golf pro. This up and coming PGA Rookie is the newest thing on the putting green. He’s very good and could be the next Tiger Woods.
When flowers bloom in the spring Tiger hopes to be returning to the putting green. Tiger is not sure if he will be ready for the PGA tour. Will he be faithful to the “U.S. Masters” in April?
President Obama in a recent interview stated that he believes Tiger can “turn over a new leaf” despite his infidelities. I’m sure Tiger feels terrible and will try to put his life back on the right track.
On February 18, 2010, Tiger gives a 13-minute apology on national TV. He says, “I’m deeply sorry for not only behaving selfishly but irresponsibly and will continue my in-patient therapy.” Tiger blames fortune and fame on his infidelities. He tells a small audience, “I was never on performance-enhanced drugs. My wife never hit me before or after the nasty car crash.”
Tiger apologizes to the fans and wants to save his marriage after the pain and agony he caused his wife and family. His words were cold as he scolded the press. Tiger told them he wants privacy when it comes to his family. Why should Woods be different from any other celebrity that is pursued by the Paparazzi?
Tiger’s Mom (Tida) sits with the other attendees and appears to be uptight listening to her son apologizing. She then gets up and throws her arms around him showing love and affection. Kutilda (Tida) Woods told the press how proud she is of her son and that he can be a better person. She feels he has been treated unfairly and wants everybody to know her son has a good heart and soul. Buddhism will help him.
Woods makes no mention or apology to the distress he caused his ex-mistresses, in particular his “11th” alleged mistress, which Gloria Allred defends, a 32-year-old former porn star named Veronica Siwik-Daniels, aka Joslyn James. The sensational stripper who gave up the porn star business at Tiger’s request and went into hiding after the scandalous news. Now James feels she’s been used. James claims Tiger made her pregnant during their three-year love affair resulting in a miscarriage and an abortion. James became very emotional and started to cry when Woods apologized. After Woods’ apology he was seen with his wife, Elin at their villa in Windermere, Florida.
Will the public forgive and forget? Don’t fret for Tiger. This golf pro is a sure bet. Tiger knows he’s the best.
Cheating on a spouse is domestic abuse. Tiger was a recluse, liar and a louse. Elin might have kicked Tiger out of the house.
There’s still more sad news for a Tiger with the blues. Tiger checked into The Meadows an Arizona rehab facility supposedly for the treatment of prescription medication not sex addiction. Woods took “Ambien” a sleeping pill as he was dismayed when his dad passed away.
The FBI is investigating ties between a Canadian doctor and Tiger with the possibility of performance-enhancing drugs. Tiger says he was never a drug user. The guy is definitely a loser. It seems Tiger got lost in his scheming sex flings.
Well what do you know Tiger the seasoned golf pro shows up at his home in Orlando after spending one week in an Arizona rehab facility for family counseling. He’s back into his old routine of exercising and practicing on the putting green. No one knows for sure when Tiger will be returning to the golf scene.
Steve Williams Tiger’s caddie for 11 years claims he knew nothing about Woods’ intimate sex flings. Williams stands by his man. Tiger has a wonderful wife and family, but he’s certainly let them down due to his shortcomings.
Now here’s an Irish bookie “Paddy Power” that’s not very happy. Guess they thought Tiger would accept their five-year $75 million dollar sponsorship. Can Tiger afford to be picky?
Tiger’s Mom, Tida is rooting for her son and believes Elin should do the same thing. Tida forgave her husband, Earl Woods for his infidelities. Elin and Tida may not totally agree, but one thing is for sure they both adore Tiger. After all he does bring home the bread and butter.
Who knew Ari Fleischer, former press secretary to President Bush was into the sports communication business. Ari Fleischer has been helping sports legends out of their rough situations. Tiger recently hired Ari to repair his scandalous image as he’s preparing a triumphant comeback to the putting green in Orlando on March 25th at the Bay Hill Club and Lodge, Arnold Palmer Golf Tournament. There’s also the possibility that Tiger will come out swinging his irons in April for the U.S. Masters at the National Golf Club in Augusta, GA.
This just came in that for some reason Ari Fleischer has left the Tiger team. Guess Tiger is ready to once again live his dream.
Now let’s get back to Tiger’s messy Thanksgiving nasty car crash. He was issued and fined $164 for careless driving when officers arrived on the scene. So far an investigative report reveals some of the details. An ambulance takes an unconscious and bloody 33-year-old Tiger Woods to the hospital right after he crashed his 2009 Cadillac SUV into a fire hydrant and neighbor’s tree in the wee hours of the morning. His wife, Elin used a golf club to break the rear window and set him free. Elin hands over to Florida Highway Patrol troopers a couple of bottles of pain medicine. Who knows if it was some type of sedative. Elin tried to board the ambulance, but the paramedic crew did not allow her stating it was a “domestic violence” case. Florida Highway Patrol officer tried to get Tiger’s blood results to complete the investigation, but was told he would need a warrant for any relevant hospital information. The file is still under lock and key for Tiger is a celebrity.
Here’s some upcoming entertaining news for the public to view. Tiger will be animated in Comedy Central’s opening episode of the “South Park” television show. There’s a clip of Tiger at the podium making a public apology and stating how he could get away with anything. Guess he’s referring to his sex flings.
Well it’s “tee time” for golf enthusiasts as Tiger has announced that he will be playing at the U.S. Masters in Augusta, GA beginning April 8th while continuing his in-patient therapy.
Will golf be the same popular game? Tiger’s fame may overshadow his shame. Does Tiger have more stripes against him? Can he win back the love and affection of Elin?
Lights, camera, action! Former porn star Joslyn James has her moment of fame. It certainly doesn’t look good for Woods as James plastered over “100″ alleged rough sex text messages between her and Tiger with racy photos on the Internet. Tiger’s wife, Elin is upset and has picked up and left.
Joslyn James wants the public to know that when Tiger allegedly ended their three-year love affair it was a devastating blow. People need to understand and not judge me for being with a married man. I would have done things differently if Tiger hadn’t lied to me. She will be posting on her website another round of more than 1,000 sex text messages. James claims Tiger’s friends knew about their secret sex rendezvouses.
Joslyn James is not planning on attending the “Masters” tournament in Augusta. At a news conference with her attorney, Gloria Allred, James says Tiger is dishonest, not truthful and she still deserves an apology. The golf club is making arrangements for tight security.
Alleged #1 ex-mistress Rachel Uchitel, a former nightclub waitress says she was “f – - ked” by Tiger. Woods wants the slut to shut up about their intimate relationship and has offered Rachel megabucks. She’s reportedly agreed to no sharing of sex texts or femails with the public.
Tiger’s kindergarten teacher, Ms. Maureen Decker who has hired attorney Gloria Allred wants a public and private apology from Woods that he was a racist victim and she did nothing to defend him. Tiger relates to an incident in Charles Barkley’s 2005 book, “Who’s Afraid of a Big Black Man” in which Woods states that on his first day at school as a 5-year-old he was attacked by sixth graders who tied him to a tree, sprayed the “n” word and threw rocks at me.
Reporters for the first time in months get five-minute interviews as Tiger finally comes clean saying he’s done some pretty bad things. Tiger is hoping for a nice reception and a few claps when he returns to the Masters putting green. It’s still a private matter between him and Elin. He refused to discuss his ex-mistresses, but mentions his disgusting behavior. I’m sure if my dad was still living, he would find everything that I did extremely disappointing. Woods says it’s hard to believe that was me.
On April 5th Tiger gives his first lengthy press interview at the Masters in Augusta, GA on how he messed up. The world-famous golfer is looking forward to playing and competing. Woods talks about “self-help.” He feels bad missing his son’s birthday while in rehab. No, Elin will not be on The Masters putting green. Tiger has hired 90 private bodyguards just in case his ex-mistresses try to get on the scene shouting while he’s golfing. It will be a threesome while Tiger competes with other golf superstars like Choi and Kuchar.
The mighty Tiger Woods expects loyalty from his close friends and employees, but doesn’t follow traditional family values.
How can Tiger be a role model? He promoted himself as a down to earth family-man worth a billion bucks, then cheated on his wife and slept with other woman he wanted to f – - k. Now Woods is hoping his fans will cheer and clap their hands. What does this man stand for but a bunch of whores. Will this be his legacy?
Tiger just made another hit with his “dick.” Allegedly he laid a 22-year-old next door neighbor. Tiger’s got a “stiff dick for young chicks.”
Does this make you mad or sad? There’s a new Nike ad featuring the voice of Tiger’s late dad. Will sales spike for Nike?
Taunting banners meant for Woods fly high in the sky over Masters golf tournament. Pissed ex-mistresses advertise “Did you mean Bootyism!” and “Sex Addict? Yeah Right. Sure. Me too!” These gals really got screwed.
Since Tiger lives on “Honor’s Way,” shouldn’t he have something nice to say then “You suck! Goddamnmit?” He’s sure not making a hit with all his bullshit. Tiger doesn’t want the whores anymore. He’d rather stick to Buddhism than Bootyism? Woods lost the U.S. Masters, but he still faces the disaster of whores that want to score.
Here’s some more hot news from another whore. Tiger’s alleged ex-mistress, Jaimee Grubbs, a former reality TV star was the first to prove that Tiger screwed up when he f- – ked Jaimee. Supposedly she sent scores of sexy text messages. The police arrested Grubbs, but it wasn’t for drugs. The 24-year-old LA cocktail waitress allegedly had been driving under an outstanding warrant for a suspended license when hauled off to jail. Grubbs was released the next morning after posting a large sum of bail money. Tiger’s alleged honey will be returning for a court hearing.
E! premiered the most interesting tidbits of Tiger Woods’ true life story and his rise to fame and glory. It seems that when Tiger was in college his teammates called him “Urkel.” Tiger felt it was racist and hurtful.
Woods next golf match will be at the Quails Hollow Championship starting April 26th.
A rowdy drunken heckler pissed off at Tiger is tasered and arrested on the Players Championship golf course.
Shucks! Tiger missed the fairways, putting greens and the cut. Guess he had his mind on those sluts.
Elin has not been standing by her man as she ran away with the kids to Sweden. Now Tiger has the chance to do some partying.
There’s now talk of a Cheating Celebrity Reality TV Show with Bombshell McGee Jesse’s alleged Nazi ex-mistress and Jamie Jungers Tiger’s alleged sexy ex-mistress. The girls have both agreed to do it although they haven’t signed on the dotted line.
This should be on the book shelves the real Tiger story, his life in a new “tell-it-all” by Steve Helling journalist for People Magazine from 2002-2009 on Woods’ nasty car crash, rumors of partying and drinking to the alleged pursuits of sexcapades and cheating ways. There’s a tiger on the prowl – meow!!
It’s official – Tiger quits The Players Championship after experiencing a bulging disc (dick). Woods says he has a neck injury. Probably a peck injury from those bitchy hoes.
Tiger Woods is back in the game and will be facing Phil Mickelson in Dublin, Ohio as the PGA Tour comes to the Jack Nicklaus Memorial Tournament. It will be one of the biggest championship events.
Tiger’s rhythm shows a slight improvement at the Memorial, but he still lags behind Phil Mickelson. Woods is off to the U.S. Open in two weeks at Pebble Beach.
For Tiger, it’s one disaster after another. Now his swing coach, Hank Haney is quitting and Elin is heading to divorce court. The wise Mrs. Tiger wants $750 million which supposedly adds up to every whore who was willing to give Tiger sex thrills. Elin Nordegren is also asking for full custody of their two children, Sam and Charlie. Was all this worth Tiger’s partying?
Woods had a rough weekend at Pebble Beach. He lost the golf tournament when Northern Ireland’s Graeme McDowell shot a 3-over 74 to win the U.S. Open. NBC got a boost for the best peacock ratings.
Tiger and Elin have parted their separate ways after a bitter sweet divorce settlement was finalized in Panama City’s Bay County Circuit Court after trying to patch things up. Tiger supposedly offered Elin $100 million to keep her mouth shut with a signed confidentiality clause plus the two children and child custody money. Woods’ income has decreased to $600 million due this lost endorsements. The two have nothing to weep about since Tiger keeps the beautiful Jupiter, Florida Mansion and Elin gets the lsleworth home in Orlando. Now that Nordegrin is single she maybe returning permanently to Sweden. Terms of the divorce were not revealed with the exception that Tiger and Elin will share parenting of their 3-year old daughter, Sam and 19-month-old son, Charlie. The couple were married in October, 2004 on the island of Barbados.
In a news interview Tiger said he was sad and felt bad, but wanted to wish Elin the best of everything. He apologized for all his wrongdoings. Elin remarked how she could never trust Tiger again for he was a serial cheater.
Tiger has been struggling while going through divorce proceedings. He was not at all pleased with the way Ireland’s media interrogated him about his sex scandal and other personal questions so he canceled the Scotland trip to practice for the British Golf Championship.
Is Tiger trying to impress the ladies with his new goatee? Sad Tiger can’t seem to get his act together at Ohio’s Bridgestone Invitational.
Woods has another bout with his fowl mouth. He missed four putts and yells out “fuck” at the British Open Championship. Tiger is having a rough season on the course ever since his divorce. Now that he’s a single man Woods needs to play a good game at Barclays. If he’s lucky to win its off to the Ryder Cup
Now for some good stuff. Trump dumps Tiger’s first ex-mistress, Rachel Uchitel from Celebrity Apprentice after hearing about her alcohol and pill addiction. The porn star whore is now co-starring in Celebrity Rehab 4. This 34-year-old sex addict decided to quit due to the stress she endured as Tiger’s mistress. Producers have convinced Rachel to return to the show for after all fortune and fame is the name of the game.
Silence is golden as Rachel says she still loves Tiger who paid her $10 million. He might have shut her trap, but she wants him back. His ex-wife who went through hell got a lot more than the whore. Elin Nordegren has decided to stay in the U.S. with her two children and not return to Sweden.
Looks like Tiger went from sad to glad as he’s purchased a NYC lower Manhattan bachelor pad. He’s taken out a $54 million dollar mortgage for his fashionable Jupiter mega mansion.
* * * * * *
Shame Shame on Jesse James
Jesse James, designer of custom-made bikes, cars and a Reality TV star took his wife, Sandra Bullock for the worst ride of her life. Sandy, always protect your blind side something you should have learned from the movie.
This Nazi hottie tattoo model and stripper-dominatrix Michelle McGee allegedly had an 11-month affair with Jesse. While Sandy was filming “The Blind Side,” Jesse took Michelle for a hump ride. She thought he was separated from Sandy. McGee has issued a sincere apology to Sandy via Australian TV.
Apparently Michelle hasn’t seen Jesse since the news of their love affair. Michelle claims James was “Mr. Nice Guy.” As far as Sandy is concerned he cheated and lied.
Jesse has apologized, but Sandy has made up her mind. She’s packed her things and is determined to never go back to Jesse. Sandy is looking for a celebrity divorce attorney and possibility custody rights to Jesse’s daughter, Sunny.
Shame on Jesse James for philandering around the town. It’s no secret that he cheated. Stop by and ask the employees at his Long Beach motorcycle shop. Jesse allegedly slept with 11 other women since 2005 when he married Sandy and one of his lady friends had a baby.
James posted ads over the Internet looking for sex. Jesse had a “stiff dick for biker chicks” with tattoos and big boobs. James claims he’s a distant relative of the most notorious outlaw of the 19th century the bank, train robber and murderer from Missouri, Jesse Woodson James who roamed the western plains.
Jesse was married for a few years to a porn star before getting hitched to Sandy. James was recently awarded custody of his 6-year-old daughter, Sunny and Sandy stood by him through thick and thin.
Now there’s another mistress that just popped out of the closet. It’s Melissa Smith and she wasn’t invited to his biker shop for tea and biscuits. Smith and James allegedly had a wild two-year relationship.
Here’s some more shit how Jesse tried to make a hit with hottie Los Angeles photographer Brigitte Daguerre, his third mistress. He hired cute Brigitte to do a photo shoot. It seems Jesse sent Brigitte a lot of spicy sexy texts. The messages are up for sale if the price is right. Brigitte did not find Jesse sexy.
Now Brigitte is stating that Jesse never wore his wedding ring. Does Brigitte mean when they were screwing? The alleged #3 mistress has deep regrets over her sexual behavior with Jesse, but has no intention on making any money even though Brigitte had a few offers to sell her story. She regrets the entire mess. Brigitte says that most of the stories are untrue. Poor, poor Brigitte must have the blues. Jesse never gave her anything, a home or money.
Jesse allegedly is worth $100 million and so is Sandy. Jesse doesn’t really need Sandy’s money. James claims he’s going to wise up like Tiger and has entered a 45-day rehab facility for his sexual desires. Sandy has no intentions on saving their marriage so Jesse has left the rehab facility. Of course James claims it was because of privacy and security.
There has been a lot of gossip that Sandy and Jesse made a Nazi sexy tape filled with profanity. No way says Sandy.
Since all this publicity Jesse has been stalked by a celebrity photographer. Jesse fought back and might have to go to court.
Jesse’s three children have been living with Sandy in seclusion away from the limelight and paparazzi.
The comedian George Lopez has been seen visiting Sandy at her Hollywood Hills home ever since Jesse’s hanky-panky. George and Sandy are “palsy-walsy.” Sandy helped George get his first big break. Lopez thinks Sandy is just great.
It’s the first time in over a month that Sandy has been seen out in public taking a hike without her hubby, Jesse on his motor bike. Just enjoying the fresh air and scenery. She wasn’t wearing her beautiful French platinum wedding ring. Neither was Jesse wearing his ring when spotted at the rehab facility.
Melissa Smith, Jesse James’ alleged mistress, his #2 screw, sent an apologetic fax to Sandy taking full responsibility for her sexual activity with Jesse.
Sandy has filed papers for divorce proceedings. She’s experiencing the Jesse blues, but here’s the good news. Several months ago Sandy and Jesse adopted a cute sweet African American baby, 3 1/2 month old boy named Louis Bardo who Sandy says will bring her lots of joy. They gave the little boy a bris even though he’s not Jewish. Neither is Sandra Bullock who apparently is a born-again Christian.
The word is out that Sandy and Jesse are selling their two-story 3,500-square-foot Southern California beach-front house. It’s on the market as a private listing for around $6 million. Interested parties will need to pre-qualify. Sandy and her newly-adopted baby boy are living in a 1860s New Orleans mansion in the rich Garden District.
Jesse says he’s distraught – Wanted to get caught. He was leading a double life, was not true to his children and wants to be forgiven for cheating on his wife. Jesse will be appearing on national TV looking for sympathy.
Sandy gives her opinion of Elin Nordegren. I’d get the baseball bat and keep hitting the dirty rat.
Sandra Bullock stuns everyone all decked out in a tight sexy black leather dress. She receives a standing ovation and lots of cheers making her first public appearance at the Spike TV’s “Guys Choice” awards since splitting up with Jesse and adopting a baby. The Oscar winning actress was there to accept the “Troopers Choice” Award for entertainer of the year from members of the military.
Sandy picks up another trophy at the MTV Movie Awards ending the evening by grabbing 25-year-old actress Scarlett Johansson and starts smooching. The two actresses discussed the idea with producers.
Jesse James fights with ex-wife, Janine Lindemulder who was planning to see their daughter, Sunny before Father’s Day. No way says Jesse since the court ruled that a monitor be present he will not give Sunny to Janine today.
Sandy is now the happy divorcee while Jesse’s life has been turned upside down since the judge has ruled he will have to share Sunny with his ex-wife.
This time Jesse is not the brute in a civil lawsuit filed against him by a clothing company. Jesse was smart to cut a deal with Walmart. In the end he had to pay the clothing company, but the jury awarded him $6 million.
Lately Sandy has been fighting a crazy stalker and got a restraining order. Sandy wants to spend time with her stepchildren and family. She has donated millions to charities like Hurricane Katrina, Haiti and Tsunami victims.
Jesse is once again on the scene dating TLC’s “L.A. Ink” tattoo artist and star, Kat Von D. This Kat doesn’t scratch.
It should be no surprise that Jesse and Sandy have moved on with their lives. Jesse has settled in Austin, Texas and so has Sandy as she wants to be closely involved with his kids. The decision was made long before Jesse was cheating.
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To cheat and lie is against all rules. Fools drown when they become the public clown. You’re caught in a nasty trap and wind up dead or the stupid sap. The price for a piece of tail could land you in jail. The public’s view is important to you.
It’s always wise to apologize. Stand up to the bitter disgrace and admit your wrongdoing because sooner or later the other party might sue you. Are court proceedings worth your family’s pain and shame? In a civil lawsuit the dame has to reveal her name. She obviously will receive media fame.
If a woman cheats she’s a sneak, but when a man cheats he’s a “low-down” creep. Beware of that extramarital affair. You may never repair your marriage from the damage and despair. The biggest fear is your good reputation and the end to a wonderful career. Think twice before getting into bed with that brunette, blonde or redhead.
© Copyright 2010
Lyrics created by (Francke) the Yankee
aka The Jester from Westchester (Satire)
All Rights Reserved
(Inspired by politicians and other famous names in the cheating game)
Cheats try to be discreet, but in the end it never works for these jerks! Someone always gets hurt.
Posted by twood on under Cheating Time Rhyme (Satire) |
