THOUSANDS OF JESTER JOKES FOR YOUNG AND OLD FOLKS
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THE MOST ORIGINAL DAILY RHYMING JOKES/ ONE-LINERS
“CLEAN & DIRTY-WORDY” RATINGS
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JESTER OF WESTCHESTER
PEOPLE SAY I’M FUNNY, BUT I’M OUT TO GET YOUR MONEY
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JOKE-A-DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY FROM NURSES THAT WANT TO PLAY
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FAMILY OF JOKERS
IF YOU LIKE MY JOKES YOU’LL LOVE MY FOLKS
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JESTERS POKE FUN AT ANYONE
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JOKE ON “TAXI BROOKLYN”
Spelled backwards “Brooklyn Taxi.”
JOKE FOR “LUCY” FOLKS
Lucy used her brain power to devour Hercules. His muscles are now tiny bubbles.
JOKE FOR “THE LEFTOVERS”
Will Jennifer Aniston be Justin Theroux’s leftovers? Jennifer doesn’t think so because she uses Aveeno!
JOKE ON “HERCULES” MOVIE
Why are the actors speaking English when Hercules was before B.C.? Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson could care less as he wrestles and flexes his muscles for money not for talking. The ladies don’t care one way or the other as they expect to see Dwayne’s pecker and sexy body. His armor suit can’t hide everything.
JOKE FOR “FIRE AND RESCUE” FOLKS
Cameron and Jay got laid making a sex tape while riding in a Fire and Rescue plane. The apes stole their sex tape. Cameron and Jay experience loser blues as movie got bad reviews. We wanna see a good screwing movie.
JOKE FOR “APE” FOLKS
Apes take over the planet putting Transformers into extinction. Now that robots have become apes their daily meals will be peanuts, grapes and Mars bars.
JOKE FOR “PROGRESSIVE” FOLKS
Progressive Insurance goes with the flow. Do you know anybody who doesn’t like Flo? Geico!
JOKE FOR “TIME WARNER” FOLKS
Is the competition overwhelming for Time Warner as they’re advertising furniture? This is what happens when Warner has too much time on its hands.
JOKE FOR “DIRECT TV” FOLKS
Feeling sexy? Let Direct TV pull your strings!
JOKE FOR “TAMMY” FOLKS
After seeing Tammy the movie who wants to eat fast food especially after she put her hairpiece into the chicken wings? Remember when some guy found a feather in the nuggets at Wendy’s? The only funny thing about obese Tammy was fast food robbery and trying to climb over the counter with her moon butt cheeks.
JOKE FOR “BARBARA WALTERS” FOLKS
Barbara Walters who is now 84 shouldn’t they be showing her the door? It’s getting harder and harder for her to walk to a store which is just around the corner. Bill Geddes executive producer of “The View” is constantly seen interrupting at the table just before intermission. Is Jenny leaving ’cause Geddes is like a bad headache? Taking aspirins could be latest fashion for the new “Ladies of the View.”
JOKE FOR “SIRIUS” FOLKS
Jenny McCarthy is downright Sirius as she’s officially announced leaving “The View” for this radio gig. Finally Jenny can speak her piece without being interrupted.
JOKE FOR “RING AROUND THE ROSIE” FOLKS
So what’s new at “The View?” Ring around Rosie O’Donnell a pocket full of posies. Here comes Rosie getting cozy with Whoopi, but will Whoopi rub toes with Rosie? Not if Whoopi can help it. She’d rather put her big foot in Rosie’s loud mouth.
JOKE FOR “ALEC BALDWIN” FOLKS
Alec Baldwin maybe co-producing and starring in an NBC drama series as a loud crack-headed type-like Rob Ford New York City mayor. This should be a piece of cake for the actor since he’s been seen in handcuffs around the city mouthing off. Alex enjoys playing a boss. Now he can hire and fire.
JOKE FOR “MAYOR ROB FORD” FOLKS
He’s simply not cracked up to be the mayor of any Canadian city. Now if Rob Ford lived in the USA he wouldn’t be mayor for a day.
JOKE FOR “LATE NIGHT SHOW” FOLKS
Why Seth Meyers doesn’t need a sidekick to be funny. He has a smiley face the comic character kids like to trace. Meyers is the only one that laughs at his jokes especially the ones he wrote.
JOKE ON “SWITCH THE LIP”
Whoppi and Jimmy switch lips. Whoppi portrays a Black Irish woman while Jimmy speaks like a Southern gentleman with her lips. The audience got a kick out of this skit. Jimmy’s next bit should be exchanging tits. Viewers would love this.
JOKE ON FALLON’S “PROS AND CONS”
Pros who think Fallon’s Tonight Show is a joke and cons are the ones that don’t turn it on.
JOKE FOR THE TONIGHT SHOW “SEX TAPE” FOLKS
Fallon was practicing how to attack Cameron Diaz in a kayak. Now he’s ready to make that sex tape.
“GOOD AND BAD ADVICE” JOKE FOR FALLON’S TONIGHT SHOW
The best advice is think twice before tuning into Fallon’s Tonight Show unless you want to listen to the stale jokes he or his comedy writers wrote. Things are getting so bad that Hoda and Kathy Lee are plugging for Jimmy.
JOKE FOR FALLON’S “THANK YOU” NOTES
What’s really inside those Jimmy Fallon “Thank You” notes? A list of “Jay Leno Jokes.”
JOKE FOR “DISNEY WORLD” FOLKS
Jay Leno receives “Mark Twain” prize for American humor while Jimmy Fallon has to take the “Tonight Show” to Disney World in Orlando to get folks to laugh at his jokes. Maybe Jimmy should dress up as Mickey. At least the kiddies would think he’s funny.
JOKE FOR “LA CLIPPERS” FOLKS
Donald Sterling may be a screwed up Jew. After analyzing Sterling doctors say he’s losing his memory, but doesn’t seem to have a problem counting money or hiring attorneys.
JOKE FOR “A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST” FOLKS
A Million Ways to Die in the West was far from a success even with Sarah Silverman getting undressed. The great acting of Liam Neeson a notorious outlaw and his sexy wife Charlize Theron couldn’t save the unpopular McFarlane. It’s like counting sheep and all you want to do is fall asleep. This Wild West frontier comedy set in Monument Valley is more like Death Valley!
JOKE FOR “GODZILLA THRILLER”
Powerful Godzilla roars as it eats all the dirty neighbors on the street, but then “Blended” comes on strong starring Sandler and Barrymore a dating couple that lives next door. The “X-Men” crush Godzilla with its claws causing movie tickets to turn into dinosaur shit. Evil takes over the box office with sexy Maleficent Jolie casting her spell over X-Men sending them into Brad Pitts’ hell after some fella smacked him trying to bury his face into a crotch position. It’s been a wacky week at the movies!
JOKES FOR “AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2″ FOLKS
The dirty Neighbors beat Amazing Spider-Man 2 whose fanny lands in their trash can. All Spider-Man can say is “I’m a man, I’m a man” I’m still the Amazing Spider-Man.
Shirtless Zac Efron tells Spidey I am the “condom dick man” that’s why all the girls want him. Seth Rogen disagrees ’cause he knows how to please the ladies with his sexy bare chest.
JOKES FOR “WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS’ DINNER” FOLKS
Obama asks Biden what he thinks about the 3,000 people invited to White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Biden replies that’s a big f**kin’ meal!
Michelle Obama wanted nutritional “Meals on Wheels” for senior politicians, but Washington Hilton policy bans meals on wheels rolling through their lobby.
Joel McHale heard some waiter say serve “The Soup.” McHale’s face turned pale.
“Community” canceled after five seasons. The reason is that more people enjoy “The Soup” than Campbell’s Health and Hearty varieties with noodles.
Governor Chris Christie tried to order gluten-free food, but it wasn’t on the menu so he had to settle for fat and meat scrap. And this guy is on a diet!
Donald Trump couldn’t make it to the dinner ’cause his barber was repairing his hairpiece.
Obamacare was and still is a nightmare. If we could only control, alt, delete the Commander-in-Chief.
Nancy Pelosi plays the Queen of Tarts on the House of Cards. She also tattoos herself just to be rude.
President Obama is still insisting he’s been screwed by Fox News, but isn’t it the other way around that the American people and the economy have been screwed up by you?
Before Press Secretary Jay Carney speaks he gives you the blarney hoping to say the right thing. Obama could replace his face with someone more up-to-date.
Jeb Bush is thinking of running in 2016, but his mommy Barbara Bush won’t let him. Jeb is a big boy and doesn’t need her permission unless he’s mommy’s boy that’s a different story.
If Senator Ted Cruz wants to be an official American citizen he may have to ask for Rob Ford’s permission, but the crack-smoking Toronto mayor is missing.
Keeping up with the Kardashians and who they screw. Isn’t that what politicians in Washington do?
JOKE FOR “CAMERON DIAZ” FOLKS
The Other Woman beat Captain America at the box office. Cameron Diaz was definitely sexier while guys got hot watching gay Captain America.
JOKES FOR “LETTERMAN” FOLKS
The Late Show host Dave Letterman is retiring for his jokes are getting as old as him. Letterman tells Barbara Walters he feels terrible for Monica Lewinsky. He should have never said those things. Let’s not make fun of Lewinsky. She made a pile of money while Bill got his cheap thrills.
Attention CBS young and vibrant Stephen Colbert reporting for comedy duty. Glad CBS didn’t pick a guy with the same eyeglasses. I passed with Google glass.
So why is Late Late Show British host Craig Ferguson bloody unhappy besides his co-host robotic skeleton with no body? CBS ten-year contract is expiring and they’re not renewing it so the two Jimmys are slap happy! Fallon and Kimmel could care less if Ferguson went to Japan.
The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart says Stephen Colbert is the perfect fit to replace Letterman and save late night with his gig. He’ll be the new kid on the block diggin’ it. Where else could Colbert sit around in Amazing Spider-Man 2 underwear? Everyone would like to know where can they buy a pair?
JOKE FOR “CAPTAIN AMERICA” FOLKS
Send Captain America the Winter Solider to cold Russia for a pow-wow with Moscow or get sexy Scarlo to sleep with Putin in his futon. If this doesn’t work Putin has to be a jerk!
JOKE FOR “NOAH” FOLKS
No real animals boarded Hollywood’s Noah’s Ark. What would God (the Creator) say according to the scriptures? It is written in the bible only real animals and no fake people like actors. That’s why the ark and ticket sales will sink in a week.
JOKES FOR “SABOTAGE” FOLKS
We don’t need to go to the movies to know what sneaky Arnie is doing. Schwarzenegger sabotaged Maria when he inserted his rod into their maid Mildred Baena producing a love child.
Of course Arnold claims he still loves Maria for there’s no one sweeter than his Maria. Well you can’t have your cake and eat it too. No woman is a fool. You’re over the hill and expendable!
JUST “PLANE” JOKES ON A LIGHTER NOTE
So where did Malaysia Flight 370 go to? Gilligan’s Paradise Island. Rescue message in a bottle.
Aliens boarded the plane, but they would have to pay. Since aliens don’t carry credit cards or money they couldn’t stay. What a shame. They might have drained the plane.
Pilot flew low to go night fishing, but never caught anything so he committed Japanese “Harry Carry” killing everybody. It’s in plane sight nothing but fishing equipment debris.
Fly-by-night co-pilot used plane vanishing creme. Then turned off cockpit phone and headed to Rod Serling’s “The Twilight Zone.” Co-pilot didn’t know “The Twilight Zone” show was cancelled a long time ago.
Traffic controllers picked up signal co-pilot used cellphone. Who was he trying to call his blonde sweetheart? That’s what happens when you get hot in the cockpit!
The crew knew something was wrong when passengers refused plane bland food as they wanted Chinese cuisine with soupy noodles.
Hey Navy, Air Force and 25 other countries it’s not the Indian Ocean you should be searching, but the Pacific Ocean in sunny Kauai. It’s no mystery. Just look for Luau beach party.
CHINA “HOAX” JOKE
China hoax blew up in a puff of smoke. Now China is a joke, but not giving up hope locating plane and soaked missing folks.
Chinese and Australian ships hear possible pings, but can’t find black box, the plane and wings. So far the search is turning out to be whishy-washy!
MALAYSIAN FACT “CRIMINAL ACT”
Malaysian aviation calls this a “criminal act” when in fact they held back important information. So who’s the criminal in this investigation? Families cry as they are denied listening to recordings. What do Malaysia officials have to hide? They’ve already told so many lies. Let them eat pie for the rest of their lives.
Now that Malaysian authorities have let the cat out of the bag on the 17-minutes where they heard nothing from Malaysian Flight 370 it will be harder on the families as they are told to leave hotel and go back home with no more daily live briefings other than an information center. Let’s throw cake in Malaysian officials’ face.
Families won’t have to worry as CNN is the only news station covering missing Malaysian Flight 370 24/7. They are continuously grooming Wolf Blitzer as he never leaves the Situation Room.
ELLEN JOKES ON “OBAMACARE” FOLKS
Ellen congratulates Obama as five million people have signed up for “affordable healthcare” before March 31st deadline, but aren’t they the same people whose insurance plans were dropped and now have to pay enormous fees?
PIZZA MAN CHEESY JOKE FOR “ELLEN DEGENERES” FOLKS
Did you know Mama’s and Pappa’s pizza pies can be pretty costly with a variety of toppings. So when Ellen gave the pizza guy co-owner a “cheesy” $600 tip it might not have covered his pizza pies. Look up the prices on the website. So does anyone care about Ellen’s “cheesy tip” when you look at all the TV publicity and just meeting Julia Roberts “Pretty Woman” of his dreams at the Oscars. What more could a pizza guy ask for? Maybe one of his pizza stores appearing in Mystic Pizza II starring Julia Roberts serving Mama and Pappa’s customers.
COVERGIRL JOKE FOR “ELLEN” FOLKS
Did CoverGirl makeup breakup with Ellen? This really sucks if they thought she was too manly for their girlie products just because Ellen looks like a guy and wears a bowtie.
JOKE ON JOHN TRAVOLTA FOR “OSCAR” FOLKS
John screwed this one up when he made a boo-boo perhaps thinking he was introducing Adele? As an actor you would think he could read and spell especially from a cue card Frozen Oscar-winning “Let It Go” song performed by Idina Menzel. Travolta’s tough guy roles have taken its toll. Let’s go back to the song and dance man. John, tap your way out of this one.
RUSSIAN JOKES FOR “NOT SO PUTIN” FOLKS
Since Russia won the most gold medals it’s giving other countries the cold shoulder. Obama says he was always rootin’ for Putin. Putin says that shows him Obama was lying as usual.
Obama tells Putin don’t play war games. Putin replies at least I didn’t spy like the NSA guys. Obama responds aren’t “The Americans” disguised as Russian spies?
Obama asks Putin if he would like to meet over a cup of Russian tea near the Black Sea. The two shoot the bull as there was nothing else to do.
Putin’s Ukrainian punishment. Sanction him from purchasing American adult films. That will show him how America wins.
Putin’s American punishment. Sanction American businesses from purchasing Russian dressing.
Russia gives America the “cold shoulder” with travel to only Siberia.
CHEERIOS SWEET JOKE FOR “HOLEY” FOLKS
I’m not a holey-roller and don’t see anything wrong with munching on sweet color Cheerios at the Superbowl. Who doesn’t like holes?
JOKE FOR SUPERBOWL “HOT SAUSAGE” FOLKS
While most fans love to eat those delicious hot sausages watching the Superbowl for some girls it’s dreaming of eating their favorite football player’s natural wiener.
JOKES ON SODASTREAM FOR “PEPSI” AND “COKE” FOLKS
Who needs a Pepsi or Coke when sexy Scarlett “Scarlo” Johannson advertises for SodaStream the guys cream in their jeans.
Scarlo who is Jewish loves to eat a creamy Danish. Now that Scarlo is pregnant she prefers a French creme brulee.
JOKE ON DAVID BECKHAM “PECKER” FOR H&M FOLKS
Who wouldn’t want to see David Beckham without his H&M underwear especially his pecker? Spice up your life! Wish you were Beckham’s wife.
JOKES ON CHRISTIE FOR “OBESE” AND “BRIDGE” FOLKS
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says what makes him great is that he pulls his weight. How many fat governors can say that?
If Christie campaigns for President in “2016″ with “Born in the USA” Bruce Springsteen he’ll blow his own horn.
Christie just loves eating. I am a hungry man living off the “fat of the lamb.” Like a pig raiding the fridge. A Jersey cow milking the crowd.
Jersey Shore Boardwalk junk food gets him in the mood. Asked if he lost some weight. Just have to watch I don’t fall through the cracks. You don’t have to worry about that.
Food King gets feisty at Town Hall meeting. Voters shout for Christie to resign. Thought he heard them say dine, dine!
Christie’s favorite restaurant is “Applebees.” He’ll see you tomorrow. Is today okay?
The governor prefers White Castle hamburgers to White House bite-size sandwiches. Christie is on KFC’s bucket list. As a “Jersey Boy” he’ll sing for his supper.
Christie not lovin’ McDonalds ’cause those nuggets and fries went down the wrong pipe. An emergency team tried to perform Heimlich, but their arms weren’t long enough to wrap around him his waistline.
Burger King satisfries the governor’s tasty needs as he can have it his way every day.
Christie wearing a printed Jersey. “I’m sexy and I know it.”
Seriously Christie was so disturbed he was thinking of joining “Curves,” but isn’t this a women’s gym?
Voters say Christie is nothing but a “fat bully.” The governor says he’s never bullied anyone except Wildstein.
This bridge scandal has taken its toll on me. “Don’t cross the bridge until you come to it.” What would George Washington have done? He didn’t need to collect any fare when crossing the Delaware.
So how do you handle a bridge scandal? Christie says the people of New Jersey deserve better. They sure do like a new governor!
The only jam Christie got himself into was munching on jam sandwiches. That’s why his belly looks like a bowl of jelly.
Really Governor Christie knew nothing about the George Washington Bridge two-lane closure for he was with his family on the Jersey shore campaigning after receiving Sandy money. Christie quickly washed his sandy hands for he’s an honest man.
Prosecutors will take Christie to the cleaners, but can he fit through the wringer? It would pretty hard for Christie to hide as there’s no closet big enough for his butt.
Christie says the only way he can save his job is to fire more aides. The aides claim Christie treated them like slaves or more like the stone age.
The governor will just sit this one out. Get off that couch and put the bon-bons down.
JOKES ON CHRISTIE FOR “HILLARY” AND “BIDEN” FOLKS
Will Hillary beat Christie in the “2016″ presidential race? Not if Christie is the heavyweight. Now if Christie could joke like Biden he would definitely win, but in order for him to get through the oval office they’ll have to make it into a circle.
Biden says “Why wouldn’t I run for President?” I’m sure the folks like my jokes. Being President is a big f**kin’ deal!
I’m a bigger f**kin’ deal on Jimmy Kimmel. Don’t know about Seth Meyers. Has he been hired?
Wow! Would my wife Dr. Jill be thrilled if invited on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show she’d give him an Obamacare discount. Biden doesn’t need a discount for he sleeps with his wife-professor for free.
Biden tells “Ladies of the View” I’m skilled in foreign policy, but what about domestically? I’ll just joke through the rough times like I always do. If I lose the Presidency maybe I can be the “Joker” in another Batman movie.
Hillary says Bill knows how to get women voters. He nailed Lewinsky. What difference does it make now that I’m getting into the presidential race. Bill admits he should have changed his name to Dick! While Hillary could be thinking it should be “P**ck!
Hillary secretly revealed she called Monica Lewinsky a “loony toon” who was looking for sex thrills from Wild Bill. Bubba was touting his own horn before Monica was born. What difference does it make now that Bill is a “screw-up.”
Bill says if it wasn’t for Hillary the Dems wouldn’t have a chance of winning in 2014. Of course Hillary keeps on insisting what difference does it make I’m in the 2016 race.
If size matters Christie will crush the competition including Hillary who can’t deal with pressure. She just may be toast when the people vote.
JOKES ON CHRISTIE FOR “JEB BUSH” FOLKS
If Jeb Bush runs then Christie will be a “pain in the tush!” Christie’s tussy is like the map of New Jersey. It’s hard to tell one end from the other blubber since he’s full of baloney.
If Christie throws his hat into “2016″ presidential ring he’ll do better than Obama the orator ’cause my mouth is bigger. That’s for sure when it comes to chowing down.
JOKES ON CHRISTIE FOR “ROMNEY” FOLKS
Romney says he believes Christie, but voters didn’t believe Romney.
If Romney could put women in binders Christie would put women in a pile of files labeling them from A-Z. Looks like Christie has a better method than Romney.
JOKES FOR JAY CARNEY “BEARDED” FOLKS
Is this the year of beards? White House Press Secretary Jay Carney appeared on the podium after a holiday break sporting a mustache/beard which the Press Corps laughing and groaning thought he looked kind of weird. Hey maybe President Obama should copy Carney’s scruffy look as he needs something to change his low ratings. The most popular President in history bearded Abraham Lincoln which no one thought he looked weird as most Republicans were called the “hairy party.”
How about Minority House Leader Nancy Pelosi as the “bearded lady?”
Jay Carney shaves his mustache and beard. Did Obama tell him he looked like a weird Republican?
JOKES ON OBAMA FOR “ANIMATED COMEDY” FOLKS
Obama wanted to star in “The Nut Job” but producers didn’t trust him. His first choice was “The Ice Age” as it would have prepared him for climate change. He thought about “Frozen” but it was just too cold for him.
Obama turned down the Muffet “Most Wanted” movie not because his ratings dropped, but he wasn’t keen on anyone pulling his strings.
Obama auditioned for “The Lego Movie” but he couldn’t save the world with his foreign policy.
Obama would love to play Mickey Mouse, but isn’t there a Mickey Mouse in the White House?
JOKE ON OBAMA FOR “HOUSE OF CARDS” FOLKS
The President (King of Everything) likes House of Cards ’cause he’s a gambling man especially when it comes to Obamacare insurance plans.
JOKE ON OBAMA FOR “SCANDAL” FOLKS
Obama says he never watches Scandal as there’s enough cheating going on in Washington.
JOKE ON OBAMA FOR “MINIATURE GOLF” FOLKS
Why Obama loves to go on the miniature golf course. It makes him feel like a pro when his balls get into those holes.
JOKE ON OBAMA FOR “PINOCCHIO” FOLKS
Obama should have a bigger nose than Pinocchio for all the lies he’s told.
JOKE ON OBAMA FOR “BREAKING BAD” FOLKS
I’m not going to end my presidency “Breaking Bad” as I would rather be “Breaking Good.”
JOKE ON OBAMA FOR “FUNNY OR DIE” FOLKS
President Obama the charmer may appear on “Funny or Die” which may change its title to “Funny or Lie” as usual.
JOKES ON DIRTY MILEY CYRUS FOR “BLURRED LINES” FOLKS
Miley performing in Italy said “FU” while throwing a cardboard cutout of Selena Gomez’ head.
Which is bigger Miley’s mouth, tongue or her hiney?
This chick has to be sick as she performs on stage sucking a dick!
Katy Perry “I Kissed a Girl named Miley” and she tongued me. John Mayer quits his relationship since Katy kissed a girl and like it! Katy doesn’t seem to care ever since she met a rich Deejay.
Christina Aguilera says I love dirty Miley. She can kiss my hiney!
What’s behind the dirty mind of Miley Cyrus? Robin Thicke’s blurred lines and aroused pr**k! Thicke got horny with Miley’s twerkin hiney. A piece of ass with no class. From Disney to dizzy to wiggly piggy! Now Robin “pr**k” Thicke wife wants to divorce him.
Miley “Can’t Stop” sticking out that big tongue and putting her foam finger around Thicke’s shlong! Did she make VMA history or should we say Dick history? Robin Thicke never got pricked.
Her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth is freakin’ mad at Miley’s dirty twerking. Hey Liam there’s plenty of pretty pussy out there than fish in the sea.
Who’s f**ked up more Miley or the paparazzo she called a “cunt?”
Miley bares it all in “Wrecking Ball.” Come and get your freebie!
Gene Simmons of Kiss dissed Miley’s tongue saying he’s got a bigger licker. As far as her foam finger she couldn’t match his pecker.
Miley is sure sticking her tongue out now that Liam got a new gal pal.
Look who’s exposing her titties. Who wants to lick Miley’s boobies?
Guess where Miley would like to put her foam finger into Justin Bieber.
TWERK DANCE JOKES FOR “JERKY” FOLKS
There couldn’t be a better team than these two jerks Miley and Justin Bieber performing their new Twerk dance routine. Want to be a dirty flirt then start twerkin’ with some jerk!
DOPE ON OPRAH JOKES FOR “BUTLER” FOLKS
Oprah Winfrey upset “The Butler” got an Oscar snub. Maybe she should have portrayed a White House maid. Hell, I was never a slave.
JOKES FOR OPRAH “BAG LADY” FOLKS
Who is the victim of racism Swiss store assistant or Oprah Winfrey? Clerk claims she didn’t recognize the debonair billionaire. Who did she think Winfrey was a “bag (homeless) lady?”
So why would Oprah Winfrey want to buy expensive crocodile hides when these reptiles are becoming extinct? Oprah needs to care more about Mother Nature than her lavish pleasures. Put a smile on a crocodile and don’t buy their hides!
JOKES FOR OPRAH “OWN” FOLKS
Should OWN change its name to NOW? How about NOW to WON? Something has to be done. People want new entertainment. Sometimes one-on-one interviews can be bad news. Variety adds spice to life. Comedy brings harmony. That’s the name of the game. Oprah needs to get OWN on the gravy train before it lands in the emergency room as a “Soap Oprah” starring Nurse Winfrey in surgery.
Oprah says OWN is in the black. Now isn’t that discriminating against white folks?
Why I love me! Winfrey takes a “Selfie.”
What else can Oprah do but take OWN touring. The reality for Lindsay’s show is boring!
JOKE FOR “OWNLY LINDSAY” FOLKS
If Lindsay had a miscarriage she must really be f**k’d up!
JOKE ON OPRAH FOR “LA CLIPPER” FOLKS
They’ll be no more racial slurs if Oprah has it her way and becomes the owner of the LA Clippers getting rid of Donald Sterling the bigot. May he land in quicksand. No one will miss him or his visor girlfriend.
BED JOKE FOR “ABRAHAM LINCOLN” FOLKS
Rivers says she slept with many Presidents over the years including getting into Abraham Lincoln’s bed before he was shot in the head. Joanie is not only ageless, she hasn’t lost her memory.
JOKE ON JOANIE FOR “RAY J” FOLKS
I’m not gonna let Joanie “Dodge” me. There’s nothing better then getting into bed with Joanie. She’s not just funny, but horny. Joan knows best when it comes to sex.
JOKES ON JOAN RIVERS FOR “DRAG QUEEN” FOLKS
Is it a good idea to climb into bed with Joan alone? Just make sure you got your cellphone which always comes in handy for a bedtime emergency especially if she wets her panties. Does anyone know if Joan uses Oxytrol for bladder control?
Drag Queen RuPaul climbed into bed for an intimate queer interview beneath the sheets with Joanie showing her how he gets aroused. Rivers lets RuPaul know her sex drive died a long time ago. When Edgar committed suicide Joan Rivers never thought she would survive. Till this day Joan wonders why she’s still dry! RuPaul says that’s okay. He can be queen for a day.
JOKES ON JOAN RIVERS FOR “OLD” FOLKS
On “Celebrity Wife Swap” Joan wouldn’t mind switching into a younger body and hooking up with some hottie! I may be over the hill, but I’m still taking youth pills.
Joan wonders why the guys aren’t giving her a hard time. If you’re looking for a hot cock you need more botox!
Joan will cop out of “Fashion Police” since she refuses to wear a torn uniform. As far as a badge she prefers a tag since she’s an old bag!
Anytime the police screw up, I don’t mind. Just don’t get me from behind.
I wet my pants – Now I know I’m old! Doggone where are those tampons? Do they still make the same brand?
Saw “The Heat” and froze to death! May I rest in peace. I’m Jewish you know so don’t forget to place on my grave site a stone. This way I won’t feel alone.
Joan celebrated her “80th” birthday and feels swell even though she lost some of her memory cells.
Don’t “Cry me a River” ’cause I’ve never cried a river over you. Who knew Joanie is for the seashore.
ROMANCING STONE-FACE JOAN JOKES FOR “MALE” FOLKS
Romancing stone-face Joan. How many guys will go it alone?
JOKES FOR MARTHA STEWART “MATCHMAKER” FOLKS
Martha Stewart the baker, flower maker and stock taker is looking for a matchmaker. She went to match.com searching for “Mr. Right” to turn her on and let him know he doesn’t need a condom as her favorite dish is hot sausages!
Martha loves dating, hates waiting. When Martha gets ready for a date she’ll bake him a “layer” cake. Martha will shake and bake for any date.
Stewart admits to sexting while she’s cooking. Some guys love Martha’s cookies while others want nookie! Martha prefers eating a date than sucking on grapes.
Arouse her with a bouquet of flowers. Get her hot with a sexy bra pot, but don’t be a jock! Buy her stock or shop at K-Mart. Sorry to say Martha dropped K-Mart and went to J.C. Penney the store for bargain hunters, but if you’re looking for more expensive things you’ll have to shop at Macy’s.
Martha has a slew of high-priced male groomin’ items just for you. Try one on for size, but don’t forget to zip your fly!
JOKES FOR “PINE BROS.” FOLKS
Martha loves all flavors of Pine Bros. especially when it helps her not to cough up the money. Most guys prefer sucking on cherry.
DEEN’S NEW ONLINE COOKING NETWORK FOR JERKS
Paula Deen’s new online cooking network for jerks that don’t know the way to a kitchen or stove unless they smelled burned food with their nose.
JOKE FOR PAULA DEEN’S “EMPLOYEE” FOLKS
Deen closes her Savannah, Georgia restaurant “Uncle Bubba’s Seafood and Oyster House” without notifying the employees. Not to worry as employees were given a list of nearby restaurants that are hiring. Hopefully they’re not discriminating.
DEEN COMEBACK JOKES FOR “BLACK” FOLKS
Is Paula Deen planning a comeback cooking show with a cast of black folks? Why discriminate when you can innovate.
My two boys are helping me reprieve with their southern hospitality.
JOKE FOR PAULA DEEN “AUNT JEMINA” FOLKS
Deen asked Black employee to wear an Aunt Jemina outfit, ring a dinner bell and yell come and get it to house guests. Is this lawsuit about honey money or race? Looks like it’s Aunt Jemina hoecakes.
JOKES FOR PAULA DEEN “FORGIVING” FOLKS
Why can’t we forgive Paula Deen for using the word “Nig—?” Don’t we forgive white folks that are “pigs?”
The Pope never gets “hot under the collar” when blessing Deen’s steamy recipes.
Deen’s special homemade hot cross buns for forgiving Christians.
Paula Deen is cooking up a storm in her kitchen. Let’s see if we can clean up the mess for the TV chef. You do have to watch what you say when you’re a celebrity. Hey maybe Deen should go on national television washing her mouth out with soap. This may not be southern hospitality, but it certainly would come across as an apology to forgiving folks that she was definitely a dope.
Wonder why Paula Deen didn’t use the “N” word Nerd? Instead she got into a whole lot of trouble using the other word. Then she goes and fires the publicity agent instead of her lawyers. Old age has sure screwed up this dame.
While Paula Deen does some repenting in Sin City she gets hit with a blackjack at the players craps table. No white folks come to her rescue.
Deen tries “Crash Diet.” Celebrity Chef disappears from public eye.
Paula Deen’s how to make “cheezy” macaroni recipes.
Why be a “slave in the kitchen” when Deen is offering plantation-style quick and easy recipes.
Paula Deen is thinking of selling “colored” crying towels instead of “white” paper.
Deen builds “Brownie” points by doing good deeds.
It seems Paula Deen has a big heart, but can’t erase that black mark. Attitude is not served on a southern platter. It’s what comes out of your mouth that really matters.
Paula Deen tries to make a comeback with her new “shake n bake” black and white layer cake.
Someone threw a whipped cream Chocolate Black Bottom pie at Deen causing two black eyes.
Paula got herself into a pickle when she “fudged” the issues.
Now that Deen has a new “mouthpiece” they’ll be no more racial slurs.
Deen is replacing “The Help” with “Merry Maids.”
Paula Deen has decided to go into hiding and up her security. We don’t think that’s necessary since all she needs to do is slip into a slave costume. Who would recognize you?
Deen is making sure that before she signs up with any company they have a “pause clause.”
What’s so funny Jay Leno and Conan about Paula Deen being sacked when NBC didn’t renew your contracts?
Paula Deen’s new book “How to get a cancellation makeover when you’re older. “
Deen maybe on “DWTS” but will they accept her “Dirty Dancing?”
Paula Deen looking to renew her image through “Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser Team.” Deen is now “Mrs. Clean!” No more grime on my mind.
Deen says “If I was the last woman standing I’d grab a seat!” Easier to curse when I’m off my feet.
NY man who wanted $200,000 from Paula Deen in an extortion scheme asks the court for mercy after finding out she has no money.
Judge drops racial discrimination lawsuit against Paula Deen as a white person can’t sue. Who knew! Justice is blind – Can’t he see woman is mulatto! What did woman expect to get. Paula ran out of dough when companies cancelled her cooking shows. Even the “dough boy” doesn’t want Paula poking her fingers into his stomach making him wiggle and giggle.
JOKES FOR PAULA DEEN “PORN” FOLKS
Deen has been offered six figures by a porn company for older women and there’s no nudity for doing nothing but endorsing. She’s already lost millions from a slew of companies. Hey Paula! All you gotta do is just sit back relax and suck on a tic tac to refresh the crap that comes out of your trap.
It doesn’t look like Paula will be doing any endorsing for porn company. Hey, she can always strip for tips, but who wants to see her cookie nips?
JOKES FOR JENNIFER LAWRENCE “HUNGRY” FOLKS
Ever since Jennifer was in “Hunger Games” she’s constantly hungry. The actress was much thinner skipping dinners. Used to eat Cheetos before she made millions of dollars. Now that Jennifer doesn’t have to hoard her food she eats like a cave woman with no mouth control!
Jennifer who is also “hungry for love” flashes her boob at Bradley Cooper. Then she sees him wearing tight pink hair rollers. What can a girl do? Go get a kinky hairdo! In the meantime Bradley is making nookie with girlfriend Suki.
JON HAMM’S HUGE PENIS JOKES FOR “UNDIES” FOLKS
Jon Hamm the “banana” man!
It seems “Mad Men” Jon Hamm got a huge hot crotch that companies like Fruit of the Loom and Jockey are offering the actor all kinds of deals like free lifetime underwear if he poses in their undies. Of course Jon doesn’t wear any of these things. Perhaps he wears nothing! We at least want to see the sexy actor with or without his jock strap in these tighty-whities which would certainly please the ladies not discounting the gays.
JOKES FOR JAY LENO “FOXY” FOLKS
This time Jay is playing it safe now that he’s being replaced. Leno may go with Fox the “conservative” network. There’s better perks since he’s been hurt by NBC. Jay also has some foxy jokes and first-time impressions on newscasters and other folks with a spot at 11 o’clock. This way Jay has the advantage of beefing up his ratings before Kimmel, Letterman and especially Fallon with his outdated “SNL” Tonight Show impressions. Jimmy might be a transvestite. One never knows as he likes changing into women’s clothes. Is this how he gets celebrities on his show?
Jay lashed out to NBC executives calling them “Snakes in the Grass.” Hey guys you should be kissing Jay’s ass! Leno took a big pay cut and NBC got more funny stuff. Jay is not obsolete, it’s your feathered friend the “Peacock” that’s not a hot c**k!
Jay finally admitted he’s leaving NBC’s Tonight Show before the spring of 2014. Leno tells Fallon if he doesn’t “pan out” you can always shout out to me and I’ll see what I can do for you. Fallon replied, I won”t have to worry about low ratings as my first appearance hosting “The Tonight Show” in the audience will be my mommy and daddy. I’m the white guy for tonight.
David Letterman can only say “Didn’t this happen before when they threw Jay to the dogs and Conan replaced him?” Looks like Letterman is not a fan of Fallon. Neither is Fallon a fan of Letterman.
Dave wants to roast some of Fallon’s guests to save Jaywalking, but so far it’s just street talk.
Jay says “He’s old enough to know it’s time to go.” Why should Jay have to work hard when he could play with the 200 cars in his garage.
JOKES FOR PAPPA PEREZ HILTON “GAY LULLABY” FOLKS
Perez says he’s not stalking Gaga ’cause he’s a lesbian mama.
Pappa Perez just loves “Versace” baby carriage. Will somebody please ask for his hand in marriage.
You can now call me daddy as I just had a baby boy. I’m jumping for joy. So who’s the mommy that made a baby? Oops! It wasn’t a lady. He’s my Lesbian baby. When junior cries daddy sings a gay lullaby, but it’s the giggles that are best. That’s why he’s so precious!
Happy “B” Day Pajama Party Mz. Perez! You look pretty in pink, a sweet gay treat good enough to eat!
By the way is junior wearing diapers or designer bloomers now that he’s a celebrity?
Pappa Perez gets gorgeous baby gifts from “Ladies of the Talk” including a huge beanstalk stick! Perez can sure use this.
How to calm a crying baby. By cleaning his tiny wee-wee and maybe breast feeding!!
Daddy and baby dress alike playing “gay patty cakes.”
Off duty daddy goes shirtless showing off sexy abs hoping some fag from “GLAAD” will come up to his pad for an evening of duckie sucking.
Perez “Queenie of the Media” Hilton sings The National Anthem lip syncing. Oh say can you see “I’m Gay” still looking for same-sex marriage equality.
Poppy Perez shows off his tyke wearing prison stripes or are they “gay stripes?” Perez just loves those stripes. Wonder if he sleeps in them at night!
Why does Perez Hilton always look like he just woke up and needs a shave? This is his way of flaunting a public image that is gay and debonair with scraggly hair!
Gayness on the red carpet from head to toe. Perez gets sexy in a black cutout cape showing his Angelina leg and J.Lo boobie! He shaved his legs and got a permanent wave. Perez you definitely look like a gay babe!
Perez perks up his day with greasy hair and a striped shirt. Mr. Charming definitely needs to hook up with Chris Coffers on “Glee.” They’d make a lovely gay couple for a song and dance routine. Perez loves to sing when he’s not lip synching!
Perez has finally gone shirtless giving the gays some perks! Hey, maybe this will work.
Aloha Perez wearing Hawaiian headpiece, flowery bra and hula skirt. Now you really look like a gay jerk!
Perez says be the master of your masturbation! Self-pleasure is precious and so is time. There’s nothing like a gay grind when it comes to keeping up with the times.
JOKES FOR “MEAN STREET GIRL” FOLKS
Foolproof Lindsay – Who said I was a dummy?
Lindsay the only one that gets along with Charlie. Too bad Selma Blair you didn’t take off your underwear!
Lilo transfers from Betty Ford to Cliffside Malibu. May be this rehab staff gives better screws or perhaps that mystery man from rehab!
I’ll beat this rap ’cause Charlie will help me! Sheen is my money machine.
Hey Lindsay! Maybe Charlie can pickup your rehab laundry.
Why would some woman claim that Lindsay stole her fiance’ when the actress only steals jewelry?
Lilo gets hot with warlock. She slips her sexy naked body between the sheets for a good time with Charlie. This certainly doesn’t seem like “Anger Management.” Show needs name changed to “Contentment Management” We just can’t wait to see these episodes with Lilo!
Lindsay tweets an April Fools’ joke telling Twitter folks she’s having a baby! Turns out pregnancy rumors were not true. Let’s see Lindsay as a stay-at-home mommie giving up the booze for toddler bottles and learning how to change diapers should keep her out of trouble. Lindsay Baby Remedy!
Hottie Lindsay shows us her tushy. Maybe we’ll see her hairy bush in Playboy Magazine – Hey, this is every guy’s dream.
JOKES ON GLORIOUS OSCAR PISTORIUS FOR “KILLER” FOLKS
Could Oscar skip town? He could easily be found skipping around. Hey, it’s hard to get away with two plastic legs.
It’s a joke that some folks like legless Oscar Pistorius can score on the cover-page of Time Magazine showing his toned muscles with caption “Superman Gunman” praising Olympian. Perhaps we’ll never know the truth about Reeva sitting on a toilet when Pistorius allegedly killed her. In South Africa only the rich can wipe their ass in class with this luxurious toilet paper “Twinsaver.” Too bad it wasn’t a lifesaver for Reeva the damsel in distress. Guess Oscar wants to be a martyr hoping to gain public sympathy, but can never be compared to a knight in shining armor. Investigators are still searching for new clues as they try to unravel a trail of toilet paper.
Now Pistorius is so depressed he’s on the verge of committing suicide for his nasty crime. Maybe it’s the only way to prove he didn’t mean to kill Reeva. You could win an “Oscar” for this. Now the judge has approved your competing abroad. Hey, gold medals are better than Oscars.
JOKE FOR “LADIES OF THE VIEW” FOLKS
Sherri and Jenny are exiting, but somehow Whoppi is staying. Are the women being replaced by men or lesbians?
JOKES ON BARBARA WALTERS CHICKEN POX/THE VIEW FOLKS
Barbara Walters itched to come back to “The View” after a concussion and chicken pox marks kept her in the dark. She showed off the scars and stitches on her forehead. How many little old ladies in your neighborhood wished they looked this good? Well maybe at 92 Barbara will look like “Scrooge” if she gets the shingles!
The good news is that Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck are gonna be sacked by “The View.” Co-hosts will soon be toast. Barbara needs to roast a new co-host and it might be beautiful Brooke Shields changing her sitting habits from Laz-A-Boy to ouch “I’m a couch potato,” but watch out here comes sexy Jenny McCarthy with her point of view “Being the new co-host is better than getting screwed!”
Rosie O’Donnell is back on “The View.” So who will she attack? Barbara, Jenny or Sherri? Seriously is there anybody that doesn’t like Rosie?
JOKES FOR COOP “GAY” FOLKS
My mommy is not leaving me any money. Why should you worry? CNN plays you a big salary.
Wanna thank my best friend Madonna the gay charmer. I’m so “GLAAD” to be honored. It’s about time guys, but please don’t ask me to unzip my fly.
I won’t let my premature gray ruin those everyday “gay ways.” Pucker up queer suckers!
Coop says just the thought of eating green-slimy pickles makes him sick. What about raw Pickle Dick?
Anderson loves to wear his mommy’s “Gloria Vanderbilt” designer tight jeans ’cause it makes him feel sexy and girlie.
We certainly enjoy Anderson and so do the boys!
While CNN’s Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon have come out of the closet stating they are gay news anchors, including MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow who has come out as a proud lesbian. So guys like guys and girls like girls. It sure is a different world. While opposites attract it’s according to who you’re looking for socially or sexually.
JOKES FOR TAYLOR SWIFTY “DATING” FOLKS
Selena Gomez hooks up romantically with British singer/songwriter/guitar player Ed Sheeran thanks to bestie Swifty. Too bad Bieber you just didn’t know how to please her. Besides Ed is more sweeter!
British Harry Styles calls Taylor a “Pain in the Arse.” This guy really has class after he wrapped his hands around her ass!
Ed Sheeran an English singer-songwriter-gartarist and best friends with Harry makes a play for blonde sexy hooker. Ooops! Turns out to be Taylor. The two spend a night in his London hotel room. Taylor’s new love affair song, “My love for you is not in One Direction, it’s my total affection.”
Lights, camera, action man-hungry Taylor dating Brit award-winner 22-year-old singer-songwriter Tom Odell who looks yummy! Maybe this Brit will turn out to be another Dick.
Taylor is getting folksy with one of “The Lumineers.” They’re into country mix, but this gal likes Dick’s music!
Swifty disses Harry Styles at the Grammys ’cause his mind was in “One Direction” an erection! Taylor you need a swift kick.
Rumors have it that brokenhearted Taylor is acting swiftly to nail Bradley, but Coop isn’t about to be duped. Actor never met the singer. Taylor has dated just about everybody including a Kennedy. It’s never too late for Diet Coke’s new face, but let’s not fake a date.
Dear Coop: How about a smooch! Too late Taylor – Jennifer Lawrence got her claws into Coop’s drawers. Will somebody please get a date for Swifty!
Ouch! Taylor’s burning up by 98 degrees. Swifty has a habit of setting ex-boyfriends like Harry Styles on fire in her heartbreak songs so boy band is simply looking out for their group members.
Swift selling more concert tickets then her ex-boyfriends. This has to be better than dating!
JOKES ON KATIE HOLMES/TOM CRUISE FOR “DIVORCED” FOLKS
Scientology leader’s niece thinks Suri was lucky when her mommy filed for divorce as she probably escaped the religious fate of a scapegoat. Tom Cruise on an “Mission Impossible” files 50 million-dollar defamation suit against publisher who claims Suri’s daddy abandoned his daughter affecting her emotional and mental state. Tomcat on the war path with Scientology’s wrath. You better watch out for Tom Tom and his Scientology wicked wand.
Washed that man right out of my hair! Katie spokeswoman for Alterna Professional Haircare.
Tom Cruise obsessed with “Scientology” religion is risky business, but his spiritual mission helped him out of an impossible situation when he wanted to end his marital relations. Katie like Kidman failed Cruise’s audition. Should Jack Reacher be called Jack “Scientology” Preacher?
Tom Cruise talks about Katie Holmes’ divorce. He never expected it and couldn’t face reality so Tom faded into “Oblivion” from Jack Reacher to astronaut Jack Harper.
Now Tom has “EGG all over his face” not from just visiting Jimmy Fallon, but his failed marriages. Get your head out of the clouds! You sure need to be more of a “down-to-earth” person.
JOKES ON BRITNEY SPEARS FOR “BOA CONSTRICTOR” FOLKS
Contrary Princess Britney split with Princey Jason Trawick. Not that the diamond rock wasn’t big enough, but neither was his boa constrictor cock!
Mz. Britney can easily find another lover to torture as she’s heading to Sin City. So besides singing may be we’ll see some pole dancing. Way to go gurl – Wrap your body around that! $200 mil is nothing to sneeze at.
Britney seen grocery shopping with her beau David Lucado. We wonder if her new man is handy since she needs a friend to help her with everyday errands. Indeed he’s handy, but is he handsy?
JOKES ON SCARLETT JOHANSSON FOR “TACKY TATTOO” FOLKS
When in Paree’ do as the French get screwed! That’s exactly what ScarJo did when she got a tacky jailhouse-style “Lucky You Horseshoe” tattoo under her boob. Perhaps 28-year-old actress should have gotten a “F**k You” tattoo since her marriage to handsome Ryan Reynolds fell apart right from the start. He secretly married the younger sexier blonde “Gossip Girl’s” Blake Lively who ScarJo hates. Too bad “Lucky You” tattoo is indelible, but there’s always the middle finger ScarJo!
Watch out this “Cat on a hot Tin Roof” doesn’t scratch you.
Scarlo shows off her new hottie Frenchman on the streets of New York. Well he may not be a handsome rock star like her ex Ryan Reynolds, but definitely sexy with that French dialect. Bet he does some good French kissing!
JOKES ON KATHY GRIFFIN “ORAL SEX” FOLKS/HONEY BOO-BOO
Kathy Griffin after two seasons got axed from her late-night Talk Show on Bravo! Well she still can do “Stand-Up Comedy.” There’s also the possibility that Kathy could be joining CNN’s Anderson Cooper for a Cooper-Griffin reality series. Caution! Good behavior is not easy for Kathy. She’s won two Emmys for “Her Life on The D-List” which may soon change to “My Life on the C-List” and we don’t mean C**k List!
It was a New Year’s Eve shocker when millions of fans watched comic Kathy Griffin bending down attempting to stimulate oral sex as a ball dropped Anderson “Gay” Cooper’s crotch got hot. Then Griffin said “I’m gonna tickle your sack and lick your Christmas gifts” which Anderson giggled “I just need a same-sex kiss.” Then along came little redneck “Honey Boo Boo” who loves thumb-sucking -vs- Kathy’s party-pucking!!!!
Will CNN hire comical Griffin again for her New Year’s Eve antics? After all Anderson doesn’t like to be pr**ked on!
Now the Coop says it’s not true about his hot “Little Fox” Playgirl nude photo shoot. Boo for Coop! Your fans would love to see those skinny chicken legs and hot little fox sprawled out on some shaggy carpet.
HONEY BOO BOO’S MAMA JUNE JOKES FOR “FAT FOLKS”
Honey Boo Boo’s Mama June walks into the room looking like Marilyn Monroe makeover from head-to-toe. Some Like It Hot, but not fat Mama June who was dressed in white for a ghostly Halloween showing off her meaty cleavage. Did fans really want to see her oversized titties?
JOKE ON MAMA JUNE FOR “DWTS” FOLKS
Mama June thought she’d be on “DWTS” since allegedly losing 100 pounds from exercising, but wasn’t sure she’d make it across the dance floor ’cause her foot got run over by a “Forklift.” By the way this is how her daughter got the name and fame when Mama June got hurt she yelled out “Honey Boo Boo!”
JOKES ON MAMA AND SUGAR BEAR FOR “REDNECK” FOLKS
Here comes the bride all dressed in camouflage orange holding on to Sugar Bear for dear life so she doesn’t lose her balance. Mama June got hitched to Sugar Bear “redneck style” walking down the aisle with a big fat smile. The guests were also asked to dress as “rednecks” so they don’t look conspicuous. Honey Boo Boo and her older sisters Pumpkin, Chickadee and Chubbs dressed for the occasion gave the happy couple lots of bear hugs.
JOKE ON CHANNING TATUM FOR “MAGIC MIKE” FOLKS
Channing Tatum and wife having a tyke, but sexiest man alive still likes to show his “Magic Mike.” Here’s a guy that’s far from shy. Do you have the balls to tell Channing he forgot to zip his fly?
JOKES ON BETHENNY FRANKEL FOR “HOPPY-GO-LUCKY” FOLKS
Bethenny “Happily Ever After” turns into a disaster! After three years of marriage reality star and husband Jason Hoppy are officially divorcing. Well maybe hubby was too “Hoppy-Go-Lucky” and not enough sucky-f**ky!
The two are battling over custody and support money. Shocking! Thought Bethenny in reality was a self-made woman. Man, hope this divorce shit doesn’t hit the fan. Why should Bethenny care when she got herself a billionaire!
JOKES ON DEMI MOORE FOR “PUSSY” FOLKS
Demi’s diver boyfriend has a pearl inserted in his penis. The pearl stimulates the girls. What a way for the rich to get dicked!
Sexy cougar got her hands on a young Australian pearl-diver mystery man. Come with me my love to the sea “The Sea of Love.” Happy diving!
Speaking of her pussy, did you notice Demi got hairy around her legs and armpits! Doesn’t this girl know she should wax or shave on sunny days? Maybe you need new razor blades.
Demi brings her pussy to a Hollywood party. Now who wouldn’t want to see Demi’s pretty pussy? Not Ashton Kutcher who had enough of this cougar. Ashton officially filed for divorce, but Demi wants Moore! Moore! Moore!
JOKES ON RAPPER PSY FOR “THAI” FOLKS
Could Rapper PSY be a South Korean spy? Americans need to watch out for this “Gangnam Style” guy with a smirky smile. PSY who walks a fine line is more than an entertainer he’s an American hater. So why should we love “Gangnam Style PSY” when he said kill those f**king Yankees! PSY wanted to turn his fans into mince pie. Now PSY is sorry ’cause he likes our green money. Maybe PSY should try giving some of it to our war veterans or an American charity. Certainly this would help more than his apology. What do you say? Looks like PSY’s Asian “revolution of movements” has taken over the USA! There’s more people screwing to PSY music and eating Thai food.
Did you know PSY’s stage name is derived from PSYCHO? So that’s why he seems a little strange. Who can understand his Korean dialect lyrics? He could be calling us stupid. Does anyone give a shit about this?
JOKES ON PSY FOR “PISTACHIO” FOLKS
Is Psy that wonderful? Millions of girls think so. They go smack-in-the-nuts for Gangnam Style “Wonderful Pistachios.”
How to crack open those pesky Gangham Style pistachios. If you get stuck it’s easy opening a partial nut. Just take another discarded nut shell and push it into the partially opened pistachio. Now you know how nuts get a bigger hole. Just don’t go f**king’ nuts!
JOKES ON HARLEM SHAKE “NOT SO GANGNAM STYLE” FOLKS
Now that folks are into dancing the Harlem shake they don’t think Gangnam style is that great. So who’s gonna eat Psy’s nuts?
JOKES ON KOPYKAT PSY FOR “CHUBBY CHECKER” FOLKS
Psy’s “horse-riding dance” moves match Chubby Checkers’ 1960 “the pony” groove. Your beat is different, but “horse dance” isn’t knew. So why do billions of people follow you? They’ve never seen a chubby Korean. So keep on eatin’ cause nobody wants a skinny Asian.
JOKES ON PAM ANDERSON “LOVE ‘EM AND LEAVE ‘EM” FOLKS
The buxon blonde chick not happy after a few months with her new hubby is filing for divorce from Rick Salomon. So maybe Kid Rock had a bigger cock! We do hope Pam had that good stuff like a “prenup.” The princess is claiming irreconcilable differences. Was Rick just a p***k or should we refer to him as a “Dick?”
Well forget that prenup stuff Pam ’cause looks who’s after you “Uncle Sam” the tax man. He’s gotta be pissed that you’re back on his “naughty list.”
Pam had second thoughts about Rick. So maybe he did have a nice dick!
JOKES ON JARED LETO FOR “VERY SKINNY” FOLKS
Skeletal Jared Leto turned himself into a skinny mini. You can see his weenie ’cause his pants are drooping. Gee! What some guys won’t do for a cross-dressing scene in a movie.
Dallas Buyers Club rubbed off on him. Looks like he’s winning an Oscar for best supporting actor. You’ve come a long way baby looking like a lady!
JOKE ON SCANDALOUS PETRAEUS!
Now the whole world knows the once famous Four-Star General nailed this “Broad” with his sword. Poor wifey must have been absolutely boring, unexciting and just plain yawn-inducing!!!! Petraeus admitted he had a mistress while another jealous woman was fighting for his affection. Nice wife doesn’t trust him and wants to know how many women he f**ked. Maybe it’s in that biography “Tale of Tasty Pussy!”
JOKES ON BEYONCE’ GLITTERY TITS “FLAT-CHESTED” FOLKS
Mrs. Carter doesn’t need a bra when on a world tour. She just slips into this gold glittery outfit featuring eye-popping sculptured titties. Here’s an idea for flat-chested folks with no boobies!
Queen Bee Beyonce’ gets new set of dazzling teeth – Now she can bite Jay-Z on his hiney!
JOKE ON BEYONCE’ FOR “CHEATING” FOLKS
Would you say Beyonce’ lip-syncing “The Star Spangled Banner” at the inauguration is cheating? United States Marine Corps Band was not playing as she was singing. Is “Pepsi Next” victim for Beyonce’ Superbowl lip-synching? I’ll drink to that, but let’s not get into a Pepsi habit. I’m a water jerk for thirst.
JOKE ON MEDIA QUEEN WENDY FOR “DUMB” FOLKS
Wendy Williams says Beyonce’ is dumb and talks like she has a fifth grade education. Media Queen Wendy received a B.A. in communications and the lady is quite funny, but this remark is nasty! Jay-Z would absolutely agree, but he and Beyonce’ are just too classy to attack “smart ass” Wendy whose mouth is bigger than her fanny.
JOKES ON BEYONCE’ GOLDEN FANGS AND JAY-Z BANG
Ouch! Watch out Jay-Z for Beyonce’ fangs could be bigger than her twang. The only thing Jay-Z wants is a bang not a pair of golden fangs.
“If I Were a Boy” for just a day Beyonce’ could play with girlie toys. Now I know what it feels like to be a boy. Jay-Z would be destroyed.
JOKES ON J.LO AND CASPER FOR “LATINO” FOLKS
Casper and J.Lo split since he was seen with a prostitute.
J.Lo got a catsuit so Casper can play with her pretty pussy!
Casper says it’s just touch and go with J.Lo.
J.Lo in a nude frock. Why not? Casper has a hot c**k?
Jennifer and beau Casper adopt a doggie as their new addition to the family. They named it “Lil Baby Bear” which could get confusing with Teddy Bear. Casper landed twice in the doghouse for cheating with a backup dancer. Now he’s got J.Lo’s personal bodyguard watching his every move so Casper better be a good boy toy or J.Lo will throw you to the dogs.
Casper puts his finger up, but it’s not for “good luck.” Wonder if Casper is a schmuck!
Oops! Is it coffee, soup or poo-poo? J.Lo was looking hot until some brown spots got on her crotch. Sexy fox forgot to wipe off the dots.
J.Lo loves Casper’s COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!!!! Wouldn’t you????
Are J.Lo and her “Teddy Bear” Casper having a bambino? Casper may be the kids new daddy. Marc Anthony not a happy camper.
J.Lo shows off in front of fans flexing her beautiful muscles, but when Casper flexes his big muscle he knows J.Lo wants a hot taco.
Is Jennifer dumping boy toy because Casper was a bad boy?
J.Lo while on world tour had a “nip slip” and the Brits saw her tit which is solely meant for Casper’s peepshow.
Jenny in “harem” sequined trousers during a performance, boyfriend Casper said “I love this lady, anything looks good on her.” Especially when she wears nothing, right Casper?
Naughty Prince Harry was behind the eight ball with nude chicks stripping down to his crown jewels. Meant to say testicles before heading to J.Lo’s pool party for a Bloody Mary. Too bad J.Lo missed all the fun ’cause Prince Harry would have loved to grab her biscuits as they say in the UK.
“Jenny from the Block” has a big rock. Does it have to do with Casper’s c**? No one knows if Casper proposed, but Jenny must definitely love his hose.
How Smart can you be? This time around Casper gets more than a car, he’s moved into J.Lo’s Hollywood Hills hacienda. No screwin’ around Casper since Marc Anthony’s kids also live there. Don’t take off your underwear!
It’s easy for Casper Smart to score. He just pulls down his drawers and J.Lo promotes him from dancer to choreographer.
Watch out “American Idol” when it’s time for a new contract Jennifer is no pushover. She knows how to “wheel-and-deal” her fingers around Casper’s weiner.
For Casper’s “25th” birthday Jennifer brought him a Dodge Ram pickup truck. That’s what he gets for a good f**k? Casper is a cute “smart” guy. He should have been riding in style with a Mercedes, Ferrari or Porsche. J.Lo you’re a “jeep Latino.”
Poor Marc Anthony fell at the wayside as Casper knew how to pull J.Lo’s strings and her “private things!”
JOKES ON JENNIFER ANISTON/BRAD PITT FOR “RITZY” FOLKS
Living proof Jennifer dyes her roots.
Why go nuts over squirrels when it’s Justin’s penis for this girl!
Jen says “No prenup for me.” What a bummer. She may have to sweat out the summer!
Justin and Aniston decorating their mansion instead of a wedding. Hey, this is more fun than pretending to be mommy and daddy.
Jen and Justin go bedding shopping. This sounds neat “new bed sheets!”
Rumors have it that Jenny is having a “friendly” baby. Hey! Isn’t a baby your best friend? Well it is for Jen and Justin.
Jennifer “Be My Valentino” at the Oscars matches red carpet. Who cares if she wore this dress before all that matters is Justin!
Wedding bells could soon be ringing for Justin and Jenny. Here’s to a “Cinderella Carriage Marriage.” May the two lovebirds live happily ever after in their Malibu castle.
They’ll be no “Santa Baby” this Christmas for Jenny. Not on Santa’s Wish List who wouldn’t be pissed!
It seems Brad Pitt has been a “home wrecker” ever since Mike Tyson found him in bed with wife Robin Givens. Brad quickly ran dressed like a “chicken” as soon as he spotted boxer Mike.
Is Jen’s Bachelorette Party gonna be ruined by her two “BFFs and Bridesmaids” Courtney Cox and Chelsea”Lately” Handler petty fighting over whether they should give her a “plastic wiener” celebration or male strippers and pole dancing? Jennifer may prefer male strippers massaging her!
Sexy Jen always wanted to be more than “Friends” with Justin. Then he surprised her with a $500,000 diamond engagement ring. Jenny is so happy that Justin didn’t turn out to be a pr**k like Brad Pitt.
The rich Brad Pitt sends Jen engagement love. Don’t think Jen is looking for Brad’s hugs.
Jen and Justin reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” so they can get down and dirty for Jenny to have a big jelly belly.
If drinking “SmartWater” could turn you into Rachel, I’d buy a bottle or two. This includes “gay people.”
Jennifer has just picked up some pet chickens besides the rooster living with her. Will she eat the chicks or the cock? Probably mix up a dish of cock flavored soup since it would be a lot tastier than chicken stock.
Jen seems to be happy for Angela Jolie and Brad Pitt on their engagement, but not when they screwed while filming “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” and she was still married to Pitt. So why did this bitch steal Brad Pitt? ‘Cause Jolie physically fell in love with Brad’s huge dick. Most guys are a “dick on a stick.”
Aniston let Justin know she’ll never theroux his love aside. He’ll always be her guy, but what happens if Justin turns into Brad Pitt? Will Jennifer cut off his dick?
Jen and Justin don’t seem to care “Wanderlust” sucks as long as they f**k.
Rumors have it that Jen is dumping Justin, but this is not true as the two lovers continue to screw. If Justin dumps Jen they’ll be no baby bump!
JOKES ON RUSSELL BRAND X-MAN FOR AMERICAN FOLKS
Russell Brand had nine organisms in one night. Katy Perry wasn’t the lucky lady. She already X’d out of Brand X.
Since Brand X got axed, Russell may play the next “Doctor Who?” Do you think Russell would make a good doctor? Lady patients would be his specialty.
Diners were horrified to see Russell Brand walk into this LA eatery without shoes and smelly feet. Customers complained that it was against health regulations, but management did absolutely nothing ’cause the limey man is a celebrity brand.
Would you like to see Russell’s peck? Tune into FX.
Brit has a fit and tosses photographer’s iphone through window. Limey gets 20 hours of community service chores which may be a little grimy like cleaning dirty dishes, mopping up kitchens or cleaning toilets. It’s not fitting for a top actor, but this is what you get for having a British temper.
Russell Brand has the upper hand performing at Borgata’s Resort in Atlantic City was interrupted by this heckler screaming “Katy Perry!” What’s a limey to do, but take this obnoxious man to the cleaners jokingly. Russell gave this twit his “quick wit.” If I couldn’t keep her what makes you think you can rude unattractive man. Perhaps the combination of alcohol and foolish behavior has gotten you into this reckless condition. Heckler gets lesson in manners.
Looks like Russell has found a new sleeping beauty to replace Katy. It’s Anouska De Georgiou (can you pronounce it?) “The Hoff and Jared Leto’s ex-dame igniting her flame. Anouska is a good match for Russell as she’s got a fiery personality. Hey, she’s sure to light his engine!!
WAITY KATY ROARS CAUSE JOHN WANTS MORE
Looks like Katy and John “Tiger” Mayer are back together. Katy can’t stay away and neither can John wait to turn her on! Now the whole world knows “Who You Love.”
KITTY KAT PURRING!
Katy’s hairy situation settled out-of-court under arbitration claws.
PERRY AND THE FAT CATS SCRATCH!
Popcats take a nap. Katy gets into the sack. Watch my back, I’m gonna attack! Here Kitty, Kitty Kat! Got some catnip? I’m looking to lick your dip!
KATY ONSCREEN TO THE BEDROOM
The heat is on for Katy kissing co-star Luke Kirby. This onscreen chemistry can lead to banging in the bedroom! Who cares about the neighbors.
John Mayer gets into charity after losing Katy. That’s one way of forgetting. Helping building homes for vets. John is putting his sweat and sexy muscles into the project and they definitely appreciate it. Of course there’s nothing like having your arms around pretty Katy. Too late Heartbreaker Mayer!
“IT’S A BAD HAIR DAY” FOR KATY
Don’t mess around with KittyKat’s locks ’cause she packs a heavy wallop straight to your wallet. Singer tells British Hair Company you can’t drop me claiming I’m not popular anymore. You owe me millions and are still using my image. This Kat’s claws are scratching at their front door including a team of nasty lawyers. Ouch!!!!
PERRY “DEAR JOHN” LETTER
Who says Mayer broke up with Perry? Didn’t Katy send him a “Dear John” letter? You’re just a Don Juan John! Especially after she heard his new song “Dear Marie.” Katy was in the dark and fell hard with an open heart, but now she’s wide awake after she read the wrong stars. It’s over John! I’m born again and you’re in the lion’s den.
John says he’s for “Something like Olivia.” Well maybe John will find her somewhere in the crowd now that he’s single to mingle!
Katy doesn’t have to worry. There are plenty of dicks in the sea.
“V” DAY FOR KATY
It’s “V” Day for Katy and we don’t mean venereal disease. John Mayer gave his sweety a heart-shaped ring from a Santa Barbara jeweler which means he’s crazy for Katy. Just make sure Katy is the right one after all she “Kissed a Girl.”
HOW GREEN IS PERRY’S VALLEY? JUST ASK ELLEN DEGENERES
Katy Perry showed up at the Grammys with her plump goodies. Perry who was dressed in limey green with those two delicious apples ripe and ready! Just ask Ellen DeGeneres who thought they looked inviting and couldn’t wait to take a bite. Hey Ellen stop messing around you got your own girlfriend.
KATY’S CIVIC DUTY
Katy Perry’s newest getup a skintight white political dress rallying for the Democratic party “I Wanna Obama!”
KATY PERRY & JOHN “CHEATER” MAYER SEXUAL ENCOUNTER
John and Katy go out for an Italian dinner date, but John would rather eat Kate.
Mayer may think Katy’s “Body is a Wonderland” but is John the right man?
Katy Perry and John Mayer are back together, but neighbors complain they can hear them moaning, groaning and banging. How about you two turning your bedroom into a soundproof studio. Then no one will care how loud you moan and screw. You could also have some extra fun recording your sexy panting on a duet album.
This KatyKat doesn’t scratch. Katy crossing her fingers she’s the boss! Come “Meet the Parents” John Mayer. Looks like your bachelor days are over.
Perry is having a “divorce party” before her 28th birthday. It will be at her home with a small gathering. Not sure if her on-again off-again boy toy John Mayer will be attending. What’s a girl to do when she gets screwed!
It’s over for Katy Perry and John Mayer. Since he was unable to speak John sent Katy a tweet. How sweet!
Ms. Perry is still our favorite pussy kat.
Who tapped Katy’s “spaghetti strap” on the red carpet nearly popping one of her sexy assets? No! That’s the “Part of Me” I don’t want the guys to see. Sorry Katy!
Katy Perry turns herself into a female gladiator for “E.T. movie. With gold-breast plate and fencing sword in hand she dares any man to touch her “can.” When in Rome do as the Romans do “rule and screw.”
Way to go Katy with your new 22-year-old French beau, the world’s highest paying model. Smitten by Katy the kitten. It’s time for some French kissin’.
Go Katy! Giving “Part of Me” to charity. Upper or bottom half? My parts are scarce.
Katy says she still loves her man and will always stand behind Russell’s brand. Well Katy, Russell’s mighty hand landed him in the can. Will you take the witness stand?
Take “Part of Me” flashy see-through skirt and sexy underwear in Paree’ We can certainly see why Katy wanted snatch to match her blue head of hair. Single and looking for a good screw!
JOKES ON KATY PERRY FOR “LESBIANS’ AND “STRAIGHT” FOLKS
Be a “Part of Me.” As Katy’s eyes are always on the ladies she’s promoting her new electric blue false lash collection hoping the cosmetic line will attract Lesbians.
Katy Perry lands hard-core prison guard role as “Rikki.” She’s gotta love this part being in charge of bad ladies. Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!
Perry sang “Part of Me” at the Grammy’s probably referring to ex-hubby, but Russell never had intentions of sharing her with lesbians. Sorry Katy!
“Hot N Cold” Limey Russell and Katy didn’t hit it off and got divorced. Russell knew Katy kissed a girl and liked it. Then he found out his wife was a dike. What’s a girl to do when two horny lesbians are groping and licking you?
JOKES ON PARIS “BLUE CONTACTS” HILTON FOR “SEXY” FOLKS
Paris in Atlantic City showing off her titties. What else can a rich girl do besides screw?
It was nice to see Paris celebrating the “4th of July” dressed in red, white and blue instead of the old black and white prison stripes.
Paris says, “Show me a river and I’ll show you my boyfriend.”
LAPD investigate another unarmed prankster which turns out to be false alarm. Guess Mz. Hilton’s stuff was “Not That Hot.”
Paris Hilton’s interview shows she’s got a few loose screws! Silly Paris doesn’t know what to do with this sexy dude asking him to show his tattoos. This can’t be the only thing you want to see.
It’s the “People’s Choice” Paris and her younger Spanish model boyfriend got cheap seats. So when they stepped outside security guards denied Paris re-entry. May be they didn’t recognize the heiress when giving out awards and thought she was just some whore! Poor Paris no more a popular reality TV star. Well at least she doesn’t have to beg for money.
Lil Wayne “I Wanna Bang You!” on my last night in Paris. Wayne raps about a sexy rendezvous, but was Paris screwed?
Paris dresses up her pets in scary costumes for Halloween. All Paris needs is a broom.
Mad Men’s Jon Hamm (H.A.M.) and other celebrities referring to Hilton’s “stupidity” boils down to nothing but sheer jealousy. Paris is no dummy when it comes to making money, stripping and showing her tits. That’s why every guy’s wish is to have “One Night in Paris.”
Once upon a time “Stars are Blind.” Now this rich bitch is looking for a comeback with an “old” video “Drunk Text” a sex-sting ridiculous mess. Paris you’re the best when “wet and naked.” We thought this was a new video, but your rep says no it was recorded over a year ago. Somehow it was leaked and we’ll let everyone know when her first single will be released. Who knew we were being screwed!
Paris is no dummy! She just won a barrel of money on her “31st” birthday. Why should anyone want to pick on this rich hot chick? Paris didn’t have to play Craps when she had the skill to win $30,000 in Blackjack. Now Ms. Hilton wants to change “Sin City” to “Wynn City.” What a pity for the hoes that are looking to make dough.
Paris says she’s going to make another video, but do we want to listen to her “canary singing?” Maybe it’s time for Paris to go back to “The Simple Life.”
Here’s the perfect shoe to attract a good screw. Paris’ “Sweetie Hump Pumps.”
Paris prefers an “ugly man” over one that’s handsome. So all this bare heiress needs to do is close her eyes and let a good lover get under the covers.
Paris Hilton is a real dummy. That’s a fact! She’s in “Madame Tussaud’s House of Wax.”
Baby “blue” eyes is America’s newest spy.
Send Miz Paris to speak at the United Nations. She would improve international sexual relations. Iran becomes her biggest fan. Then Iran would be putty in our hands.
RAW JOKES ON KIM KARDASHIAN FOR MUTT & JEFF FOLKS
Was Jeff too rough on mutt? Did Kris insult Kim about her big butt? Maybe Kim ditched Kris for not enough “dick” or was she too short to reach it? Kris might have been a “dickhead” ’cause he couldn’t hump in bed. Potato head too slow for hot tomato?
Kim should have everything like the 20.5 carat diamond ring, The wedding gifts she could split with her rich Reality TV family. Thank God for prenups so you can keep the good stuff. Kris Humphries is pissed off at Kim and wants an annulment. He has good cause to claim their marriage was a fraud. Kim would not agree to counseling as she would now make a barrel of money with “E” who filmed the wedding. Kim says this is not true as she wanted the marriage to last forever, but just couldn’t go through more than 72 days living with Kris. Rumors have it that Kim was profiting a cool $17 million from “E.” Kim, Kim quite contrary doesn’t know how to treat her men fairly as now Kris’ attorney is suing “E” and for dubbing him on Reality TV.
MR. HUMPHRIES PAY MY LEGAL FEES
Hey Kris you’re not getting away with this. You’re gonna be screwed if you lose. Kim’s attorney is coming after you!!!!
Kardashian gets into suing badass mood over news picture of tennis star, Serena Williams’ ass. Kim says it matches her ass and she’s not going to let this pass.
Is Kim a schmo for not knowing how to use her iphone? Oh dear! Is that why “sext text” messages appear?
The fun is over for viewers are tired of looking at Kris “dubbing” reruns. He’d better keep his lips buttoned after signing that prenup ’cause Kim is not taking any shit.
KIM’S WEDDING MONEY GOES TO CHARITY
Yes, Kim did the right thing by cutting a check and doubling money to “Dream Foundation” charity, but she ain’t fooling anybody. Kim could afford to give away gift money or it would go to another man like “Uncle Sam. “
KIM’S “HOT JOCK” FROCK
Kim lightens up the day with her new long curly waves. Spotted in a sexy frock with her luscious boobs looks like she’s on the prowl for a hot jock. Rumors say she’s dating another “NFL” athlete who may be advertising for “Jockeys.” Perhaps Kim would have a better chance with a guy who plays hockey.
“Movin’ Out” after stalker tried to get into Kim’s house. T’wat’s a girl to do when all the nuts are after you? Get into a ritzy secured gated community just like Dipsy Lindsay.
Yeah! “Last Woman Standing”
Kim a “Surrogate” for her sister? From a bad marriage to a baby carriage. She’ll definitely sign a contract before she gets tapped.
32-year-old Kim has crush on 24-year-old Tim. Since QB Broncos Tim Tebow reportedly still a virgin, Kim should be looking for Dick.
Spotted having a lunch date at Beverly Hilton Hotel rekindling an old flame NFL player Reggie “no pain” in the Bush with Kim the Tush. Now what’s that other guy’s name?
R&B singer Ray J and “KK” who was his sex partner dishes out the shit in his new book, “Death of a Cheating Man” and former flame relationship. Their wild chemistry grew night after night with a good screw. If it’s Kardashian she denies sleeping with him while still married to music producer, Damon Thomas. Will Kim sue Ray J, but after all anyone could be “KK?”
HUMPHRIES’ EX-GIRLFRIEND NOT TO DISCUSS SEX
Kris’ ex-girlfriend has probably signed a non-disclosure agreement not to discuss their sexual relationship. Now we’ll never know if Kris has a big dick.
KRISIS! HUMP NEEDS MONEY
Kris Humphries suing Kim for $7 million. He says they had a joint bank account, but Kardashian didn’t give him ATM card.
CELEBRITIES SLAM KIM KARDASHIAN
Actors whose names end in “HAM” are not fans of Kardashian.
Kim Kardashian responds to Mad Men’s Jon Hamm. I may be “stupid” but I’m no f**king “idiot.
British action-movie hunk Jason Statham says he does not consider himself a brand or superfan of Kim Kardashian’s brand. Well here’s a guy who doesn’t want to attack you in the sack.
KIM SCORES BIG WITH HAMM FAN
Hamm’s opinion of Kim after meeting her on “30 Rock” alongside Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin. Hamm says, “Stupidity is a valuable commodity in this industry.” Maybe Kim will consider a cameo as a “Silly Woman” on “Mad Men” so Hamm can get a “piece” of the action.
KIMMY BUYS KANYE A LAMBORGINI
Kimmy shells out $750K and buys a Lamborgini for her Kanye. He must have a big penis if Humphries had a weenie.
KIMYE & KANYE DRESS ALIKE IN “BLACK & WHITE”
Is Hollywood dream couple dressing alike preparing for nuptials? How about Kimye and Kanye “black & white” koordinated baby invitations.
KIM & KANYE DINING AT MEATPACKING DISTRICT IN NYC
It’s the perfect place to eat a “sweet piece of meat.”
KIM’S POLITICAL SCHTICK
I’d like to run for “Mayor of Glendale” if I could only stay in office for more than 72 days. This would give me plenty of time to land a nice Armenian city councilman.
Gimme, Gimme Kimmy’s Titties! Kimmy’s huge titties stick out of her middy.
KANYE TELLS KIMMY
I love you “A Bushel and my Peck.”
KANYE KEEPING UP WITH KIMMY
Looks like “E” has signed up Kanye to join “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” but they’ll be no “sex swing” action. Kanye only has eyes for Kimmy so watch out guys don’t step out of line!
KIMMY GETS HICKEY!
Feast for Easter! Kim was scene leaving Kanye’s apartment with a hickey after he inserted his dickey.
KANYE THINKS KIMMY IS YUMMY!
Kanye West was seen rekindling his love for Kim in NYC. He’s been trying long and hard to get a piece of that Kardashian. They were at the “Hunger Games” where he munched on her like a tasty snack. Kim didn’t mind getting attack.
KANYE’S “SICK” REMEDY!
What’s with Kanye lately naming a song from cold remedy “Theraflu” after his enemies? Kanye made a bad move when he tried to degrade Taylor Swift and had to be removed. The cold company may use their own remedy by suing. Kanye West’s Theraflu explicit lyrics express his love for girlfriend Kim and at the same time “rubs ex-husband Kris’ nose in it.”
KIM’S RACY PHOTO
Wouldn’t you like to take a peek and see what’s beneath the sheets? It’ll cost you a pretty penny.
FLOUR-POWDER BOMB GONE SOUR
Kim says take this PETA flour-powder girl — “Hey bub tell it to the judge.”
MAD “DASH” FASHION
Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Dash Clothing and Accessories for women that need to dress sexy. Millionaire shoppes in LA, Vegas and Miami, but for those who can only afford our cheap clothes there’s bargains galore at the Sears stores.
KIM SKECHERS’ MESS
Kim tells Skechers after their false advertising to “Shape-up or ship out.” Hey Skech, don’t mess with Kardashian clout!
ALOHA! IT’S KIM YOUR HAWAIIAN FLORAL GODDESS
While on vacation in Hawaii Kim shows off her bootylicious and extra sweet pineapples as Kanye West drools.
BEYONCE’ SETS KIM STRAIGHT ON JAY-Z DOCUMENTARY
No way says Beyonce’ to Kim who wanted to get into the act at a “Made in America” musical festival on Ron Howard’s Jay-Z “Empire State of Mind” documentary. Hey Kim you may be screwing Kanye, but that doesn’t give you the privilege of using your reality star power as an opportunity.
KHLOE KARDASHIAN “HE RUBBED ME THE WRONG WAY”
Khloe says when she first met Kris Humphries “He rubbed her the wrong.” Suppose Kris rubbed Khloe the right way. Let’s say she asks Kris to come over and go for a ride on her “sex swing” since hubby, Lamar Odom has had so many personal problems lately Kris would be the perfect fit for Khloe who seems to be a sex addict.
KRIS JENNER “LADY LUBE” IN A TUBE
Kris Jenner roles are getting better and better. She not only likes this, but tried it. Kris signed up as spokeswoman for over-the-counter “Zestra Essential Arousing Oils” a product that’s supposed to enhance a woman’s pleasure by intensifying sensitivity to touch. Is Bruce not pleasing his lady?
KRIS TALKS ABOUT HER TITS
Why was it so important for Kris Jenner to discuss her tits (breast implants) on “Today” show instead of taking a moment of silence for 9/11 victims? NBC felt Kris’ tits were a bigger hit than the victims. What a way to start the day.
IS KIM PREGNANT?
Wrapped up in a low-plunging green velvet dress looks like Kim is having Kanye’s baby. The velvet wrap is far from flattering and makes Kim look chunky. Pack up this sack and send it back.
LAY THE BLONDE MERMAID
Kim at a Halloween party as a beautiful blonde mermaid lost her fins and can’t swim. Captain Kanye to the rescue. Mermaid gets screwed!
WAKE UP! IS IT KHROMA BEAUTY OR CHROMA MAKEUP?
Chroma Makeup Company may be suing Kardashian Khroma Beauty. What’s in a name, but fortune and fame. Not for Chroma Makeup Company who claims Khroma brand name cheapens his line, confuses customers and causes controversy. Wake the f**k up Chroma! It’s reality that Kardashian star power will be the winning company.
BATMAN ATTACKS CATWOMAN
Kimmy sexy Catwoman purrs like a kitten is smitten by Kanye “Jackass” West dressed in Batman cape and mask nails her big white ass. What can you expect from a couple with no class.
“FREE FOR ALL” KIM’S BALLS
“Free for all” when Kim was invited to the 10th Marine Corps. Birthday Ball. Her date Sgt. Martin Gardner couldn’t help staring at her skintight red dress and protruding balls. Guys you’re not the only ones with a pair of balls.
KIM’S FLING ON “BING”
Kim is definitely having her fling on Bing. She’s now the most searched flirt or should we say the most searched jerk. Take a bow gal!
KARDASHIAN SHAME SHAME IN BAHRAIN!
Bahrain very upset that a “porn star” is opening tasty “Millions of Milkshakes” shop in their country. Well maybe Kim can convince them that God thinks shakes are great!
There’s nothing like getting on a camel’s back and humping! Is that what they do in mid-east countries?
KIM’S BRALESS MIDRIFF?
Better to see you topless!!!! Who’s not in the mood for sucking boobs.
KIMMY LOSES PUSSY!
Kanye knew it couldn’t be Kimmy’s virginity, as it turned out to be Mercy her white Persian pussy.
KIM THE FRISKY FRENCH FOX IN SOCKS!
There’s nothing more hot than Kim posing in a French magazine as a sexy fox with nothing but a pair of socks. What men wouldn’t do for a screw!
KIMYE BLACK RAPPER BABY!
Not divorced from Kris Humphries, but it’s officially a “Kimye” bump! Cheers to the happy couple’s first black rapper baby!
KIMMY BRINGS BABY TO PAREE
Pregnant Kimmy giving unborn baby a fashion education in Paree. Baby taking it all in through mommy’s tummy!
KIMMY’S PURE HONEY
Ah! Sweet smell of success Kimmy’s new perfume “Pure Honey” is not only sexy, but inviting. For sure the guys can’t wait to take a whiff! Isn’t it nice to be rich!
KIMYE’S RIO DE JANIERO HOLY HOLIDAY
The two lovers in Rio de Janiero pose for a photo in front of “Christ the Redeemer” statue. What more can the couple ask for, but to be blessed by Jesus.
KIMMY’S TRIPLE NIPPLES!
Kim’s bust has grown four cups. The pregnancy has tripled her nipples!
KRIS HUMPHRIES’ BALLS CAUGHT IN WRONG COURT
Kris got a lot of gall and a pair balls! You need to be in the basketball court not the courtroom ’cause man you’re gonna lose not only an annulment, but the championship. Mama Kimmy will see to it!
LET’S GET REAL – KIM IS LOSING HER SEX APPEAL
As Kim gets fatter and fatter she’ll soon look like the evil Mad Hatter. Kanye scats for younger pussycat.
KIMMY GOES TO CHURCH ON PALM SUNDAY
Kimmy goes to church on Palm Sunday wearing a tight holy dress. Was Jesus prepared for this?
LOOK AT ME – I CAN EAT ANYTHING!
Kim says she only put on 23 pounds since her pregnancy. I can still eat ice cream!
KIMBRYO GOES TO DIVORCE COURT
I’ll show you who’s the boss! Of course Kris was a “no show.” So Kimbryo was pissed at Kris. This guy is really in for it.
KIM A “FREE” WOMAN
Kim celebrates her freedom with a manicure and pedicure. She can finally have that TV series “Fairytale Wedding.”
Daddy Kanye taking six-month maternity leave to help mommy. Poor baby!!
DISICK THE PRICK!
Who’s this blonde chick with Disick? Kourtney’s baby daddy is a bad laddie.
KIMMY’S GREEK GODDESS BABY
Kimmy shows us her bare pregnant belly around the Isle of Mykonos. Maybe the baby will be blessed by the Greek Goddesses.
KIM’S BELLY VS. TUSSY!
Kim shows off her bare tussy which seems to look bigger than her tummy. She’s so big you can’t tell her tummy from her tussy!
KIMYE’S NEW “NORI” BABY (NORTH MEETS WEST)
We know their little girl will get lots of affection and hope she’s guided in the right direction. “North-by-North West.”
KANYE “TEDDY BEAR” WEST SLEEPY-TIME BABY ALBUM
Will Kanye be recording a lullaby for his new baby? Cuddly “Teddy Bear” Kanye is a coochie-coochie daddy!
MOMMY KIMMY BABY GOODIES
From glamor goddess to domestic diva taking to motherhood is like a breastfeeding machine and little loving baby North sucking it all in including changing her stinky poo-poo diapers.
KIM WORKING THOSE TITS AND STAYING FIT
KRIS AND KIM ENDING “KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS”
It was hard to keep up with those Kardashians – Good to hear the series is finally ending.
KRIS AND BRUCE JENNER SPLIT
Guess Kris had enough of her man-bitch. She’s now looking for younger dicks since Jenner turned transgender!
FOR HALLOWEEN KRIS WILL DRESS UP AS A WITCH
Are witches better than bitches?
BRUCE JENNER IS NOW “JOHNNY APPLESEED”
Since Bruce’s surgery he’s turned into a Johnny Appleseed.
JOKES ON RIHANNA “BANANA” FOR SCREWED-UP FOLKS
Rihanna “I slept with a monster in my bed.” He ate her!
Rihanna is a military chic. Who wants to see her artillery?
Swiss Miss RiRi while on tour shows her nipple ring titties. Is nothing sacred anymore?
Speedy replaces Breezy! Hottie car racer Lewis Hamilton who once hooked up with Nicole Scherzinger former Pussy Cat Doll has now hitched up with RiRi his new pussy!
Breezy says goodbye to RiRi. What a bummer for Breezy the troublemaker.
RiRi hitches up with MAC Cosmetics for her new Woo lipstick and glossy nail polish. Too bad Chris. You’re missing out on all this sexy pleasure!
Chris is getting together with Rihanna for more hits. We mean making music!
RiRi got a new underarm gun tattoo! Is this for Chris’ affection or her protection?
Rihanna’s Palisades Estate raided!!!! Hey Dick, don’t f**k with my shit!
RiRi is hoping Breezy will “Stay” and not go on his merry way. She’s nude in a bathtub waiting to get screwed. No teasing around Breezy! You must be f**kin’ hard to please.
“Roc Me Out” quickly, but don’t “Knock Me Out” Breezy.
Poor RiRi her “Rude Boy” Chris is partying in Dubai with Karrueche. Why fret RiRi when there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Of course Chris is a barracuda who would love to eat ya! Make up your mind Chris it’s either Karrueche or RiRi.
Rihanna named MTV’s Rockstar of the Year for not giving a shit or a f**k that she hangs out with Chris the pr**k!
Rihanna “Like a Virgin” – We don’t think so!!!!
Does RiRi give a f**k that Chris sucks???? After all this male disrespects females. So don’t let your love Princess RiRi turn to violence. You don’t want to end up a punching bag hag!!!!
Looks like ex-boyfriend Chris and Rihanna are back together with a photo of him in bed shirtless and she was seen topless. The welcome mat was not put out in Guyana for Chris as they were pissed. Here’s hoping Chris and RiRi continue to play nicely. Just watch your fists Mr. Chris!
The Queen of Nudity, CQ Magazine shows Rihanna covering up her titties and pee-pee. Well at least you can see something like her sexy belly button. If that doesn’t turn you on, man you’re long gone!!
“Diamonds” are definitely a girl’s best friend as Madame Tussauds unveils two glittering sexy wax figures of Rihanna in Sin City. Guess Chris was miffed since he was stiffed!
“It’s Nobodies Business” says Rihanna and Chris. So let’s cut the shit. Is it just a renewed friendship or is Chris still a d**k?
Scary Breezy and sleezy supposedly Taliban crew dressed up as “terrorists” with robes, long hairy beards, turbans and assault rifles for Rihanna “Bride of Frankenstein” Hollywood Halloween party. This was not trick or treat even though sexy Rihanna looked good enough to eat, but simply Chris’ violent history of terrorizing RiRi.
Some jerk in Tennessee filed a lawsuit and a bodily harm restraining order in Federal Court claiming to be “Chris Brown” suing “Man Down” singer for $10 million because Rihanna gave him Herpes and he didn’t know she was infected with blisters. Mr. Vicious this tale could put you in jail wearing pinstriped jumpsuit with nothing to eat but chicken noodle soup out of a Styrofoam cup.
Hot stuff inked on butt! Did hip-hop Queen put her cheeks on West Coast tee-shirt or a hidden body pic of Chris’ pr**k? Chris goes nuts!
RiRi considering balloon boobies. Watch out girl for bitchy Chris will punch them with his fists. Then you’ll have inflated tits.
Rihanna would rather take a ride on Chris’ pistol than some machine gun.
RiRi spotted in London getting tattoos. Looks like she got some body art on her boobs!
“Where Have You Been?” Man, can’t wait for you to stick it in. Rhi-Rhi would like to get her claws into “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson. She wouldn’t mind if the vampire took a love bite since he told Snow White to take a hike.
Rihanna tells Oprah “I lost (Chris Brown) my best friend.” Watch out girl! The next time he just might kick you in the rear end.
Rhi-Rhi goes “chinky” as a Geisha Princess in Coldplay’s new video. Coldplay looking for a lay?
Rihanna plays a weapons specialist Navy cadet fighting aliens in “Battleship.” That’s why it’s great to be back on this planet. I’ve had enough “alien sex.”
Rihanna bi-sexual? She doesn’t care which way she’s screwed!
Ashton asks Rihanna “Kutcher, would ya?”
Rhi-Rhi doesn’t know what to do with herself as she has so many tattoos. Maybe “We Found Love” singer will return to favorite NYC Bang Bang Tattoo Parlor for Chris’ “prick” on middle finger.
Rihanna goes “topless” but we can’t see her chachkas.
Now we can see Rhi-Rhi’s “titties” as she exits an Italian eatery in NYC wearing see-through netting. Breasts are no longer sacred.
Go singer-gangster lady copying Pfeiffer’s “Scarface” clothes at the Grammys. I’m sexy and I know it!
Did you happen to catch RHI-RHI’s new blonde shaggy hairstyle as she walked out of the Roxbury Nightclub wearing a “Stella McCartney” striped sweater, short-ripped Levis and high-heel black booties right up to her snatch? RHI-RHI you gotta hottie body!
Chris Brown once “hit on” Rihanna, but now Brown better watch out since Rihanna got “Thug Life” knuckle tattoos she could bruise you.
Rihanna smokes pot in Hawaii while some guy tries to get her hot by slipping in his c**k.
Talk that dirty talk or take a walk ’cause all I want to do is screw around with you.
Did we really find love now that I found out you’re a thug? I wanted a honey, but you tried to get my money.
Rihanna dresses up as a slut in a Halloween costume as goonies try to pull off her bloomies.
Singer tells farmer there’s nothing wrong with her going topless ’cause she’s “Black Irish.” That’s when Irish man gives O’Rihanna “lay of the land.”
Rihanna dumps this punk ’cause he don’t know how to hump.
This guy wants Rihanna to eat his banana, but she already ate her boyfriend’s grapes.
Cheers – Here’s to all the queers! Don’t let anybody get you down. Turn the world around. Life is too damn short to be wearing a frown. There’s a party in town. Let’s drink to another round. Who gives a screw that you’re freakin’ cool.
S&M – Sadistic and masochistic when tying up and whipping men are definitely not Rihanna’s boyfriends. Sexy singer dresses up like a whore while dancing and sucking on bananas loving and hating dicks and pricks that torture her with chains and whips.
Rude Boy – Your dick is not big enough to fool around with my girly toys.
Hard – Ah yeah yeah yeah! It felt like a piece of lard your “hard-on.” You’re probably a Don Juan or perhaps a stupid man. If you cause me pain – Stuff your brains down the drain. No, I’m not insane. This dame is no cock game.
Unfaithful – Rihanna lost her virginity when he broke her cherry. Now this guy is on his merry way looking for another lay.
So now you “Take a Bow” ugly cow after screwing me. You’re the one to be pitied. Don’t apologize wise guy for your f **king lies. I’m dating Joe who enjoys a good blow. Asshole go cry and moan.
(Out of Rehab) Good Girl Gone Bad – Got f **ked up by this cad.
I live in “Disturbia” suburbia where creeps walk the streets. Was hurt by this jerk as he attacked me. Stripped off my clothes and inserted his hose. No one knows the pain I feel. The whole ordeal was unreal. Then this heel was caught robbing a bank when he slipped on a banana peel.
Man Down – Sucking me like a hound. His sperm is on my hairy mound.
JOKES ON BIEBER “JOHNSON PLEASER”FOR HOT FOLKS
This is no yolk! Bieber got eggcreme all over his face after throwing Eggland’s Best all over his neighbor’s place.
Bieber’s urinating is disgusting! Thinking of bottling it is even more revolting.
The Bieb’s body has become a work-of-art with a new koi and tiger tattoo. Now it looks like there’s another tattoo of a busty Selena as an angel. Well, what does all this mean? He’s still crazy for Selena, but does she really want Bieber the cheater? It’s still good publicity!
Bieber is pissed best buddy partied with his ex. Hey Bieb, Selena is no longer your baby!
Hot Selena wants the guys to know “When you’re ready come and get it!” U bet we will – Can’t wait for the thrill!
Selena on David Letterman Show tells him she made Bieber cry. David said, “So did I when disapproving of his new tattoo.” She and the Biebs broke up around New Year’s Eve. He’s touring and I’m making movies. Selena looked all grown up while Bieb seems to be suffering from the pain of growing up. In the meantime Selena is still pouting over Justin’s cheating!
Senorita Selena dumped Bieber ’cause he performed sexual acts on a hottie nurse’s body. We hate to think the Bieb screws and abuses women.
The Bieb really has class. He shows Twitter the crack in his ass. Just don’t pass the gas!
Oh no! Justin and Senorita Selena had a major fight in Mexico and haven’t seen each other since December 30th. Hey you two this is no way to bring in the new year. Kissing and making up and the rest of that good stuff like shacking up is more exciting than breaking up!
No, it’s not a boo-boo on Justin’s leg. He got a tattoo of praying hands while vacationing in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with his lovely lady Selena. Looks like their love is here to stay with a tropical getaway. Ole! What more can we say. Keep your shirt off Justin. Show her who’s the boss!
Justin and Selena seen canoodling. It’s forgiveness of the heart when two love birds find it hard to part. So let there be no screwing around in “2013.”
Bieber gives his pet hamster to a screaming fan. These tiny rodents tend to get sick or die from sudden change of environment. Furry friend may be heading to the pet cemetery. Well we sure hope the little guy survives and doesn’t die or else Bieber will be guilty of cruel and inhuman treatment of this innocent hamster.
These days Selena takes a break from Bieber dressed in sweatpants living a dog’s life taking her pets to the vet for a check-up. Humans and canines are just fine. Hey Bieb where’s your doggies?
Selena and Justin spotted together at “I wanna Benihana!” Girfriend breaking Justin’s chops or is Selena just lickin’ his grilled chicken?
Justin being sued by some Michigan scam man who says he’s Gomez’ dad alleging pop superstar stole his American Express credit card to purchase a penis enlargement and also bought an abortion for girlfriend Selena. This crazy idiot is a sick pr**k. Selena’s love for Justin has never been about his teenie weenie or if he could slip it into her pee-pee. Girlfriend befriends Justin as she didn’t trust him. Selena pissed as she caught Justin with Victoria’s Secret Model Barbara Palvin. There may be nothing going on, but Gomez is done with this son of a gun. Justin fucked up since Selena dumped him. Bieber sings “Cry Me a River.” Tear jerker!
The Bieb tells Piggy Nicki he likes licking her pink boobies especially when his tongue sticks to the cotton candy.
Bieber a true entertainer continued to sing and dance during “Believe” concert in Arizona twice throwing up his guts. He obviously has a weak stomach as milk products don’t agree with the Bieb. Happy fans didn’t flee for the smell was intoxicating.
Justin isn’t as sweet as he looks after allegedly throwing a left hook at a Paparazzi is now suspected of criminal battery. Hey Selena you may be joining Rihanna.
This is what happens when you turn eighteen. Bieber creams in his jeans as thousands of teens scream!
Justin keeps fit eating healthy “Subway” sandwiches. He asked Selena if she’d like to take a bite out of his submarine. She replied, “I’d love to eat your sub.”
How did Justin get so “bloody?” Selena caught him cheating.
Justin and Selena are going fishing or should we say “dicking?”
What more can the “18th Birthday” boy ask for? Kiss and squeeze Selena or now you’re old enough Bieber to slip in your weiner.
Action, Lights, Camera! “Proactive” – Justin interviewing girls with pimples? So what’s next for Bieber – Interviewing women with wrinkles?
Is Justin trying to prove that he’s a holy roller with his new “Jesus” tattoo so Selena can count on not getting screwed?
When the girls were asked would you have recognized Justin on Venice Beach wearing a gold mask? They all replied, “Yes ’cause he’s got a nice ass.” Girls wouldn’t mind grabbing his behind.
Girl looks for loot from paternity suit. Baby, Baby! Bieber never pulled down his underwear to have an affair with Yeater. Crazy lady that ain’t my baby. DNA will prove I never screwed you. Nutty Mariah Yeater does an about face and dismisses the case, but will Bieber sue her for telling everyone he took off her bloomers?
Justin gets on the scene for Halloween in a nude costume with a broom. The chicks get witchy trying to touch his dicky-do.
The girls were wishin’ Justin ripped off his clothes “Under the Mistletoe” then they would tie him to a pole and blow his hose.
Bieber the little teaser wants Selena to squeeze his weiner. Selena said she would pull his pole if he took off his clothes.
Bieber’s pet snake is not fake. He’s always wanted Selena to rub his teenie-weenie Johnson so he takes it out of his pants pocket on the Black Carpet.
Mr. Johnson may be small, but he’s gonna grow 4 feet tall.
Selena smiles as she looks at the creepy reptile, but still gets a kick licking Justin’s boa constrictor pr**k.
Britney says hello to pale orange fellow, but couldn’t let go. She enjoyed pulling his hose.
JOKES ON MDNA/MINAJ/M.I.A. FOR “HARD-ON” FOLKS
MADONNA’S HOMELESS ALCOHOLIC BROTHER
A brother could use some help from his sister. Instead Madonna turns the other cheek while she sings about family and “Keep it Together” isn’t interested in her brother a wanderer. Hey Madonna, go the distance for your brother! Love goes a long way these days. Just “Like a Prayer.”
MADONNA’S BEHIND & PSY “GANGNAM STYLE” LIVE
Madonna slides her behind under Psy as they dance Korean “Gangnam Style” probably caused him a hard-on at Madison Square Garden. I’ll bet Madonna didn’t mind. Neither did Psy.
MADONNA’S ASS FOR CASH
Madonna used her star power by showing off her “ASSets” on stage at Madison Square Garden for Hurricane Sandy cash. This broad raised money for a good cause by pulling down her drawers. Madonna also used her sexy body visiting displaced Sandy victims in Rockaway. What more can we say, Madonna you did more than okay.
COME GET YOUR TOY BOYS
Madonna undresses at a Colorado concert showing “Obama” printed on her chest. What’s next for the brassy material girl? Pulling down her panties showing laughing “Biden” a guy with no class printed across her ass.
While in Italy Madonna shows off her tush – Who wants to see her bush? When in Rome pull down your pants and flash your ass.
“Cougar on the Lose” Bad girl gone wild looking for young males. Oh God, I’d rather sin and give in. Don’t care about the pain of hell as long as I feel swell. Like to misbehave night and day. Love to act this way. I’m hungry for sex and fun. Gotta hot and erotic body. Does anyone wanna Madonna?
ANDERSON COOPER’S MIDDLE FINGER
British Rapper M.I.A. bad girl controversy with CNN’s Anderson Cooper “sticking up middle finger.” Cooper says he never said or did anything. M.I.A. responding to problem. Disagree as M.I.A. still waiting for intimate encounter with Cooper sticking up finger. Hey girl! This Silver Fox has a c**k, but “Coop” is gay. So you can hope and pray maybe someday.
MINAJESTY & DIVA MARIAH CAREY
Well now that Nicki and Mariah have left “American Idol” they’ll be no more bitchin from these sex kittens.
Bitchy Nicki could use a lickin’ for pickin’ on Mariah Carey. Who wouldn’t want to spank Nicki’s tushy?
Nicki tells “American Idol” contestant she’s like delicious pancakes. Just pour that syrup on and lick her.
Nicki’s boyfriend Safaree fools around with an ex-porn star at a party. She agrees to give Safaree “oral sex” for a pretty penny. He says it’s not true, but for sure if it were Nicki would nail him like the Romans do.
Ticked off Nicki not happy with “gun comment.” She slams Barbara Walters for not calling her after Mariah’s claim to journalist that Nicki threatened her with gun violence. Dames can be tamed. If anything Nicki had some nice things to say about Mariah Carey. So ladies was the fight legit or just a play for “American Idol” ratings?
Nicki exposed nipple is bigger than a pimple. Plezze fix your bra strings!!!!
Freaky Nicki wants the fans to smell her intoxicating new perfume “Pink Friday” or did she mean “Black Friday?”
It’s a bummer for Nicki as she blames Target and Walmart for not stocking her “Pink Friday” and “Roman Reloaded” album. Retailers say it’s not selling, but Nicki still complaining. Will someone please buy this shit!!!!
Minajesty getting her own “E” reality series titled “My Truth” as she lets off steam saying sassy things about Mariah Carey. For anyone that doesn’t understand “fast” Nicki tape the show and play it in slow motion.
Pink-wigged/Rainbow-haired Rapper Nicki during American Idol auditions was so obnoxious yelling out loud “I’m not taking any shit after being harassed by her f***ing highness.” Mariah says Her Minajesty Nicki started it threatening her and swearing. No one got hit as country singer Keith Urban was sitting in the middle. Hopefully this is just two singers throwing zingers. Mariah better cross her fingers.
Nicki tells the ladies of “The View” Mariah is really very funny. Carey is just not funny she’s laughing all the way to the bank ’cause she’s making more money than you Nicki.
I’m bitchy Nicki looking for your dickie. You can cream on my cone or f**k me at home. Pick up this hoe before I go! I’m not waitin’ for your masturbation.
Some of Minaj’s songs are so awful they should be “locked up” in her garage.
“Piggy” Nicki Minaj likes it hard!
Nicki will you be my Easter bunny so I can lick your pink cotton candy?
Before she was famous Nicki Minaj’s first outfits came from the women’s jail at a garage sale. That’s how the rapper got labeled a “hoe” from the jail clothes.
Madonna – Wants her desperately! Still claiming to get off with women to promote new single – This time kissing Nicki – Next time licking Nicki.
MDNA touring in Tel Aviv sees Madonna ordering “kosher” groceries. She’s all prepared to abide by any Jewish rules including covering her hair.
Madonna may be sued for plagiarism “Give me all your Luvin” over Brazilian producer’s “Love Banana.” I’d give my luvin’ any day for this guy’s banana.
What a girl needs “Like a Prayer” for Madonna has gotta be scared while on tour in Israel that Iran might strike a nuclear war. Madonna’s concert “bombed.” Actually Madonna was heading to Syria, but there they really kill ya!
Take a lick of Nicki’s pastries. They’re sure tasty!
Nicki releases new single “Starships.” Rapper needs to go to another planet.
Minaj staged a “Roman Holiday” exorcism ceremony which was an outrage. Dressed like “Little Red Riding Hood” was the rapper misunderstood? You have every right to express your opinion on religion. Of course some people felt you were tacky while others believe you’re wacky!
Nicki goes from “Stupid Hoe” to “Sacrilegious Dish” wearing red habit outfit matching Grammy’s carpet with some mopey guy dressed up as “The Pope.” Holy Rapper makes more dough than hoe.
Nicki Minaj maybe a “Stupid Hoe” but is she a role model for “hoes?” God only knows!
Rapper Nicki “Bitchy” Minajesty on Madonna’s halftime team demanding some basics like plain old lickin’ fried chicken, Martinelli apple juice, packs of gum, Dasani water and a whole bunch of everyday foods to be brought into her Super Bowl dressing room. As a side dish she would love to order a “boy toy.” That seems easy enough to get if you’re looking for sex. Just make sure this is in your entertainment clause.
M.I.A. (Missing Intelligence Action) Madonna is pissed at Brit singer giving millions of Super Bowl fans a zinger by sticking up her trigger middle-finger. NBC who was caught off guard to “bleep it” apologized for the vulgarity. Guess rapper thought it was appropriate and a lot of stiff dicks must of liked it.
Who would know Icon Madonna is 53 years old. Fans couldn’t wait to see her perform at the “Super Bowl.” You could say she looks “Like a Virgin” flexing those biceps, but Madonna would rather be a “Girl Gone Wild.”
Madonna prepared a week before the Super Bowl installing a hydraulic Yoga Mat and getting an exercise expert while she stayed at the Marriott Hotel. “Like a Prayer” heaven help me I’m going to lip-synch and dance my way onto the stage. This is what happens when you’re old and gray. Of course Madonna doesn’t have to worry about it ’cause she has a professional costume and makeup artist.
Tag Madge Touchdown! Athletes would love to take a peek at Madonna’s cheeks and maybe her pee pee, but they might not get a chance since her clothes are so tight.
Was it wrong that Madonna won an award for “Masterpiece” and Elton John’s “Hello, Hello” did not win for best original song? If Sir Elton thought Madonna didn’t have a “fucking” chance then why do guys want to get into her pants?
Ricky Gervais picks on Madonna “You’re just like a a virgin” at Golden Globes so she tells him “Why don’t you do something about it?” Ricky wished he could stick in his dicky. The British slapstick artist couldn’t match Madge’s bitchy wit. That’s why Madonna is so rich!
Wealthy Madonna says Gaga’s “Born this Way” is reductive to her “Express Yourself.” Music nor lyrics sound the same. Madonna, you’ve been too long on the gravy train. You’re the “Material Girl” but Lady Gaga is “Mama Monster” who grew to fame ’cause she’s a smart dame. Madonna “Don’t be a lame brain.”
JOKES ON PASTA GAGA JUICY FOR “HORNY” FOLKS
Gaga needs a hose not latex clothes.
It’s just not fair poor Gaga in a “designer” wheel chair. At least she’s got money to spare.
Artist makes a cake sculpture of Gaga’s hottie body. We can finally have a treat eating Gaga from head to feet.
Dressed as a fairy Godmother she cast her magic spell upon the White House Staffers Ball who went Goo-Goo for Gaga.
Gaga pistol packing mama wears a bra made out of gun powder. Stick ‘em up you faggots!
Fatty Gaga while performing splits seat of pants showing crack in her ass and passes gas. The fans not only got a whiff, but they needed oxygen masks.
Gaga shows her fat belly in a bikini. The guys only think of one thing. Seeing her pee-pee.
Is this suppose to be a “Porker-Monster” treat? Pasta Gaga says she gained 25 pounds from eating her papa’s pizza, but now we see Mama Mia in a very short tight-fitting meat corset. It seems she got hungry and ate part of it.
What Gaga really enjoys is a bowl of Spaghettios and spicy sausage meaty balls.
Nude sexy Gaga doesn’t mind tiny men crawling all over her pussy, titties and behind. Of course her boyfriend would have something to say about it. As long as they don’t take out their dicks.
How come South Korea is banning Gaga’s concert because of her “lewd lyrics” when most of them can’t understand, speak or read “English?”
After Gaga and her “Monster Mother” give Oprah an interview the Lady says she will be operating “incognito.” There’s simply no need to hide your identity with the media as no one would ever recognize you looking natural. No hair, no makeup, no eyebrows, no clothes.
Gaga’s new look “Flesh Coloured Facial Horns.” This is what happens when you fire your makeup artist.
Last year’s Grammy rage was Gaga getting out of an egg on stage. Now Gaga is caught up in Grammy drama dressed in fishnet. This time she can’t outdo Nicki Minaj’s religious digs since Rapper hired Gaga’s fired creative director. This is what you get from hiring her former assistant “lousy outfit.”
Goo-Goo Licious! Gaga scores a touchdown celebrating an early Super Bowl for a photo shoot with just a football hiding her boobies. We dig a natural Gaga with no wig, but who wouldn’t like to see her titties.
On New Year’s Eve Mayor Bloomberg told Lady Gaga if she’s a good girl he’ll take her to City Hall to look at his balls.
Poor Gaga has to “Marry the Night” because her “knight in shining armor” fell into a city sewer running after a whore.
Goo-Goo Gaga slips into Turkey costume, but there’s no room for her boobs so she makes a slit for her tits.
Lady Gaga all dressed up for Halloween as Marilyn Monroe hoping Bill Clinton will get horny, but Bill fooled around long enough with his horn.
Gaga’s pumpkins turn into munchkins.
Guys would love to see Gaga’s boobies in 3D.
Nude fella gets into trouble poking tote bubble umbrella to grope Gaga in her black widow raincoat. Police told him next time put on some clothes.
What’s Gaga’s passion? Her relish for raw hot dogs.
Lady Gaga breaks up with boyfriend ’cause he had small balls.
Gaga goes broke after choking on coke. Then she elopes with some dope that’s a joke.
Gaga tongues boyfriend’s shlong after a game of ping-pong.
Does weird Gaga “The Queen” have wet dreams? That’s why she wears diapers.
Mother Monster gives her fans a delicious treat showing them how she eats with only two buck teeth.
Guys give Gaga a “hard time” while she grinds.
Gaga’s Halloween dare – Who wants to tear off her scarecrow clothes?
What’s Lady Gaga’s favorite hot cocktail? “Cock on the Rocks.”
Gaga was caught humping at the gas pump. After that she got “car jocked.”
Lately Gaga gets a thrill playing with her nipples.
Gaga has animal sex in her leopard dress.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust what’s Gaga without a bust? A “pizza crust.”
Gaga is “dick-whipped.”
Gaga’s hot box is locked into “You and I” music video with criminal bad boy toy co-star Vampire actor, Taylor Kinney who obviously has a bigger weiner than on-and-off boyfriend, Luc Carl that used to screw her when she was in the mood for this dude.
Shady Lady would rather be f ** ked by Vampire actor than sucked by Luc.
Lady Gaga is no copycat. She’s only following Madonna’s act.
Gaga just doesn’t play the piano she also blows Jo’s horns from evening till dawn.
Guys tease Gaga over size of peepee. She invites them into her tepee.
This Italiano dish proves she can also be a pr**k. Gaga gets all “dicked” out with a prosthetic penis as a manly greasy-haired Jo Calderone ’cause Mother Monster wants her fans to know she’s not like other “ass holes.” Hey I may look this way, but I’m still a babe.
Why can’t you have fun with Gaga’s hot “cross” buns? ‘Cause she’s a religious Christian.
Guys jump on stage and pull off Gaga’s panties showing her bare booty. Instead of Gaga getting upset she decides to shake her ass performing dirty “Earthquake” dance. Wow~ She shook up the crowd.
This lady doesn’t need a pair of balls to deck the walls for Christmas at Barney’s Luxurious Clothing Store. She’s gonna lure customers in a cute suit to the window display with”Gaga’s Hot Santa Workshop” with just a g-string around her hiney. For a delicious added holiday treat Gaga will lick your peppermint sticks.
Lady Gaga’s weird fantasy are not pasties. The “Monster Queen of Fairies” has inked horny unicorn tattoos on her nipples. Does Gaga wish she was “Born this Way” or is she looking for a gay lay?
Gaga endorses “Fruit of the Loom” for gay grooms.
Gaga’s boyfriend eats her “raw meat bikini” while she sucks on his “teenie weenie.”
This guy grabs Gaga’s blonde ponytail hoping to get nailed. Gaga lands on her ass passing gas. Fans rush out of the stands as someone pulled stink bomb alarm. Concert closes due to foul odor.
Nude Mermaid GaGa in the sea of love flapping her fins for a piece of tail, but this time the Shady Lady transforms herself into a male. Hey guys, it’s Gaga with a pr**k singing “You and I” lyrics.
Guys are suckers when it comes to Gaga’s breast-feeding dolly.
Have you seen Little Old Lady Gaga’s shriveled up body in a wheelchair? The pop superstar has become her little monster’s worst nightmare. Lady Gaga gets weirder by the minute as this spring chicken comes on stage looking old and gray, fans throw rotten eggs. The only thing this crazy dame had to say, “Just wanted to show my fans that in my old age I can still give a good lay.”
Gaga gets hosed in her condom clothes.
Shady Lady is in town pussy footin’ around.
Goo-Goo Gaga’s wacky Beehive hat gets attacked by a swarm of bees as she gets trapped in toilet stall taking a crap.
Double Trouble – Gaga takes to the stage as her fake bubble dress deflates. Little Monsters grab her cheeky tussy, sponge-rubber falsies and shaved pussy. Goo-Goo Gaga says who cares I’m promoting my condom underwear.
Lady Gaga will celebrate the 4th of July with a bang!
Shady Lady in Times Square wearing no underwear shows rear end to boyfriend.
Gaga’s boyfriend gives her the finger – She creams in her skinny jeans.
Does Shady Lady have “sticky fingers?” Japan wristband scam could land her fanny in the can. Rich bitch goddess says she’s honest not a con artist. “Poker Face” play it straight. “Little Monsters” don’t like getting screwed by shipping rules.
Gaga had alien sex in her orbit dress.
Dick flags a ride for Gaga’s pussy wagon.
Gaga’s dreadlocks got caught in boyfriend’s cock.
True “Edge of Glory” Fire Escape Story – This is really the tenement where Gaga lives. The reason apartment building and streets are empty is that people got scared by Gaga running up and down fire escapes in her wild get-up and crazy hairdo they moved. “Edge of Glory” screwy tenement story.
Lady Gaga says new song “Hair” is now the answer to her prayer. While on European tour British audience stares as Gaga removes turquoise wig showing a “skinhead.” If this is not a plastic cap does bald head match her snatch?
Did you know Gaga got screwed with her penis shoe?
Did you ever notice that Gaga has the same frown whether she’s standing or upside down? Baby, I was “Born this Way.”
Lady Gaga says she is a religious person who would never hurt the church. So why does “Judas” video show Gaga as a Mary Magdalene biker chick in a motorcycle brigade looking to get laid?
Lady Gaga is suing “Baby Gaga Breast Milk Ice Cream” because she’s thinking of opening up her own breast milk factory.
Gaga changes her mind opening a breast milk factory as she doesn’t have milk-secreting titties.
Gaga looks good enough to eat. Why not make her your bunny treat? She’ll hop right on top of your c**k.
Chilly & Thrilling! Gaga in the raw covering her nips with a skateboard. The broad with class has a cute ass.
What happens when you mix Gaga with lava? “Hot Mama!”
Yoga and Whiskey keeps Gaga frisky.
Gaga’s screwy getup – Her condom latex dress.
Guess what Lady Gaga was doing inside that eggshell – Playing with herself.
Ga-Ga’s Gingerbread House raises lots of dough.
The guys can’t wait to take a bite out of Gaga’s mushy cookies.
What is Gaga’s passion fruit? Eating Mouth-Watering Bananas.
Lady Gaga’s hot boyfriend wants to know if his sample is large enough.
Gaga’s boyfriend asks her if she likes “Valentine Pink Malted Balls.” How did you know I love sucking on balls?
There’s a way to play with Lady Gaga – Take off her clothes from head-to-toe. Poker-face. The sensational goo-goo doll is inflatable. It does all kinds of tricks. You can suck her “tits” while she takes a ride on your disco stick.
Gaga’s favorite Valentine treat. Boyfriend’s sweet stuff “buttery nuts.”
Pussy lady is bisexual, but true love is Dick ’cause he gotta big p r **-k.
Gaga sings “Auld Lang Syne” as she starts her new year with a bang!
Gaga’s new year’s resolution for 2012 – give the men a better screw than she did in 2011.
‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse only Santa laying Gaga on the couch.
Lady Gaga got “cold feet” when she tried to pole dance on Santa’s beat.
Gaga has the best raw meat in town – That’s why Santa hangs around.
Shrewd Scrooge tried to screw Gaga, but Santa already nailed her.
Lady Gaga could have been “Mrs. Focker” but she’d rather be Santa’s helper.
Gaga invites Santa to sample her tasty “hot buns.” Santa has fun eating sweet buns.
Why didn’t Santa come when Gaga was ready? Santa’s suit has no zipper.
Santa calls out for Gaga – Ho! Ho! Ho! – Where did my hoe go?
Gaga tells Santa she lost her marbles. Don’t worry Gaga – You can play with Santa’s balls as you deck my halls.
Jolly Santa asks Gaga if she’d like a buck. Gaga replies, “I don’t f **k.”
Santa gets his “cookies off” – He plays with Gaga in his sleigh.
Shady Lady gives Santa the “cold shoulder.”
Gaga tells merry elves “You can play with me.” Elves are so happy they shout with glee just to see Gaga’s peepee.
Santa gives Gaga a snow job.
Gaga gives Santa a blow job.
Lady Gaga loves Santa’s decorated balls.
Santa’s beard tickles Gaga’s pussy.
Gaga visits Santa at the cold North Pole. He invites her into his hot workshop for Schnapps and to sample of his tasty c**k.
Gaga goes goo-goo over Santa’s hot sausages.
Santa gets a kick when Gaga licks his candy stick.
Gaga makes Santa potato latkes while she plays with his chachka.
Has anyone seen GaGa’s “Hanukkah Bush?” No! I’ve only seen her furry tree.
Shady Pussy Lady’s Christmas wish – “Deck the Halls with Balls”
GaGa is the breast piece in the world!
Lady Gaga’s favorite Thanksgiving dish is tasty butterballs.
GaGa will dress up for Halloween in a “Dominatrix” witch outfit for dick whipping.
Vampire Thrilling Horror – Gaga’s blood sucked after vampire f **k.
Gaga is no dummy – She owns a smartphone.
Where’s the beef? Franc Fernandez designer of Lady Gaga’s crazy meaty getup says it went through the meat grinder.
Gaga’s rah meat grotesque dress offended a Rabbi who said it’s not from the “kosher butcher.”
A priest thinks Gaga’s meat dress is neat and good enough to eat, but not on holy Good Friday.
Have you seen Gaga’s pretty tussy? No, but I’ve seen her pretty pussy.
Gaga’s monster pals experience the All-American “hands-on” gal.
You can buy GaGa “condom sausages” for guys in different sizes.
Ooh-La-La Gaga would bend over backwards for her “Little Monsters” who certainly wouldn’t mind seeing her behind.
Goo-Goo Gaga exposes her tattooed breasts on boob tube.
Wanna play with Gaga’s pumpkins? As long as you’re a Munchkin.
Gaga doesn’t mind when the boys give her a “hard” time.
A “Little Monster” fan kept abreast of Gaga.
Lady Gaga sure has a pair of balls. She dresses manly then shows off her fanny.
Gaga’s boyfriend screws up. He prefers sluts.
Gaga was Alejandro’s hoe in Mexico.
Roberto and Fernando didn’t give a “f ** k” about Lady Luck.
Lady Gaga had an orgy with Alejandro, Roberto and Fernando.
The lady loves Dick’s shtick.
Gaga sat on his jock and got him hot.
This blonde chick likes to ride his disco stick.
Gaga likes a cool whip when she strips.
Dick got into Gaga’s hot box.
Gaga flips over Dick.
Dick sucks Gaga’s lollipop.
Gaga has a fit over a stiff dick.
Paparazzi shoots Gaga’s pretty pussy.
Gaga thinks Hitler’s dad was a papa nazi.
Guys like Gaga’s sweet rah meat.
Gaga loves to eat hot Italian sausages and tasty German weiner schnitzel.
What gets Lady Gaga mad? When she’s had a “f **ked up” cad.
Bought a Lady Gaga doll so I can “Poker Face” and spray her with mace.
How did Lady Gaga get her name? Guys thought she was a crazy lady.
Why did Gaga break up with her boyfriend Speedy? She was surprised when he turned out to be a “slow-moving” guy.
Gaga loves her new boyfriend Luc ’cause he’s never in a “f **ked” up mood for a screw.
JOKES ON ANTHONY KOSHER WEINER FOR “COCKY” FOLKS
Anthony Weiner liked showing off his muscles while Eliot Spitzer made a hit with his dick!
Carlos Danger wants to be NYC mayor. Can we believe him after all of his Jewish baloney? The disgraced candidate has now slipped to 4th place in Democratic race. Huma tries to humor him with jokes she wrote about Muslim folks.
Weiner’s “text sex pal” coming out with whoopee tell-it-all book. Did Weiner feel trapped not being able to have sex with his Muslim pregnant wife that he had to resort to a life of “text undressed sex?” And is his peck included in the text?
Will NY Congressman’s “Weiner” be subpoenaed?
Photo of cock with hand on crotch – Pop goes the weiner in jockey boxers. Congressman says his weiner is much leaner. Facebook and Twitter girls go nuts for weiner.
Congressman admits it’s his “p r _ _ k.” Weinerschnitzel in a pickle. Customers rush to Queens deli for a tasty “piggy in the blanket.” Wife loves to eat husband’s “kosher” meat.
Weiner is a phony full of baloney. New twist after explicit naked pics of Congressman Anthony Weiner’s p r – – k. He’s decided to get help from a psychiatrist. Question is whether or not this “sick p – – -k” will be able to continue as a representative of the Brooklyn-Queens dickstrict after he had a hard-on for porn star, Ginger Lee sending “100″ sex emails to nail her. Weiner’s letter of resignation to his fellow congressmen apologizes for pic of dick.
Tweet this or lick this? Connecticut toy company cashing in on weiner. Girls and boys can take off doll’s clothes and play with weiner.
Porn publisher, Larry Flynt offers job to ex-congressman to write hard-core sex articles which he turned down as his wife Huma is coming out with a book titled “What I like about Kosher Weiner.” CNN may be putting on a new show calling it Spitzer Hot Weiner “In The Arena.” Since “Client #9″ was fired as his ratings for the show were low, Weiner decided to get a “blow job!”
How low can an ex-governor go as the comptroller of hookers?
ARNOLD “X-RATED” SCHWARZENEGGER (THE FAKER) I’LL BE BACK IN THE SACK ATTACK! RICH FOLKS JOKES
Arnold’s tell-it-all “Total Recall.” Remembers his housekeeper Mildred playing with his balls. “The Terminator Cheater” admitted to infidelity stating the maid his household slave was a better lay than Maria.
Darn it Arnie – Turned away from Taj Mahal because Muslims were praying or was it because you were wearing just your skivvies? This is a religious country and they don’t stand for any “hanky panky.”
Arnie’s 14-year old love child Joseph Baena wants to be just like his dad wearing Conan the Barbarian Halloween costume with sword in hand. Young Joe is starting out on the right foot for a piece of pussy.
Schwarzenegger opens museum in Austria displaying his bronzed-muscled body showing him with women in different x-rated sexual positions.
Naughty Arnold paid the “Merry Maid” when he got laid. The louse bought her a house. Did Arnold make a pact with the maid that he would attack her in the sack until she landed in the grave? Does Arnold Schwarzenegger want to be saved from paying his illegitimate son and the maid? Will the faker’s next acting role be a groovy screwin’ movie? They say it’s animated about the maid he laid. Arnold the rich “pr**k” stars in new flick.
We know which muscle “Atlas Arnold” flexed when he laid the merry maid.
In a public interview “merry maid” discusses how she got screwed.
Maria says Arnold is super sexable and “Expendable 2.” So what’s a guy to do when he’s over the hill? Play an old man in”The Last Stand.”
Schwarzenegger’s new movie “Conan the Barbarian” should be “Conan the Destroyer” for what he did to lovely Maria.
Maria won’t take Arnie back since he got the housekeeper in the sack.
DIRTY JOKES ON TIGER FOR “WHOREY” FOLKS
Tiger wins Player of the Year. He should have received an award for whore master.
The pro that can’t seem to get out of a hole.
Ex-mistress Rachel Uchitel’s husband Matt Hahn’s shlong is bigger than Tigers.
Tiger looks for whores at the grocery store.
The great “American-Prenup” – What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine. Tiger’s fate when he pulled down his drawers and scored.
Hey Moe! What Joe? Did you know Tiger was “teed off” that his balls got stuck in some holes?
Say Harry what do you think about “shirtless” Tiger? Burt, he’s got a hairy belly and hairy nipples. When Tiger gets sexy with the girls it must tickle.
Tiger is a “con artist” Harry. How’s that Burt? He had multiple sex partners and didn’t use condoms. Maybe that should be Woods next sponsor Harry.
You know Harry, “shirtless” Woods should get into the entertainment business. Like what Burt? If he could “rap n da hood.”
Hey Harry – What Burt? Well Tiger finally made his “2010″ New Year’s Resolution. And what’s that Burt? Just putt and don’t “f – – K” up.
Burt, did you hear the latest? No Harry. They say this cigar company is offering a $100,000 “smoking deal” to mighty Tiger. But Burt, shouldn’t Tiger be interested in promoting his hot “sex appeal?”
Say Moe! What Joe? What do you think gives Tiger more satisfaction, the golf course or intercourse? When his balls go into the holes Joe.
Moe, “How did Tiger score?” Joe, “When Tiger roared along came more blonde whores.”
Hey Moe, did you know Tiger’s real first name is “Eldrick?” No Joe. Come to think of it Eldrick rhymes with “p _ _ _ k.”
Say Harry. What Burt? Did you hear where Tiger’s nuts got stuck in a slut? Guess Tiger likes to “f – – k” rough Burt.
Hey Burt! How did Tiger screw up? By lying down Harry.
Hey Moe! What Joe? I wonder if sluts know how to putt? Joe, you just have to put your balls out.
In 2009 Tiger had a great time. He allegedly scored with “14″ whores. Tiger, the golf pro who knows how to get his balls into the every hole.
What do you know Moe, Tiger returns to the putting green in the spring. Tiger finally got over those sex flings Joe? Tiger took lessons in sexual behavior at this rehab facility. Now he knows where his balls should go.
Well Moe did you hear the latest? No, Joe. The rehab facility showed Tiger how to avoid getting his balls “stuck in those holes.”
Joe, I heard Elin is taking back Tiger. Now that’s a “hole-in-one” Moe.
Did you hear Joe? What Moe? Tiger can’t wait to put his balls out on the course. What a sight that will be on the putting green.
Say Moe. What Joe? I wonder why PGA officials have kept their mouth shut about Tiger’s sluts. Moe, obviously the PGA doesn’t care what Tiger had to say as long as he plays. After all it all boils down to how Tiger positions his balls.
Well if this isn’t something Joe. What is it Moe? “Tiger Paws” draw customers to this new sensational iPhone application. It could have been neat for cheats like Tiger Woods. There’s a prompt that deletes those embarrassing text sex messages. Cover your tracks – Wife or girlfriend can’t claw back.
I heard Tiger is back home in Orlando Joe. Moe, he’s into his old routine of exercising and playing with his balls on the putting green.
Hey Moe did you know that Tiger’s alleged ex-mistress, famed porn star Joslyn James showed up at an Oscar party? The ho obviously needs the dough.
Joe, did you hear the latest news. What’s that Moe? Tiger is practicing for the U.S. Masters in April. Now the public can finally view what his balls can do.
Now this is going to be something Joe. Yeah Moe. Comcast for the first time will be broadcasting the Masters in 3D and over the Internet. Think of the millions of lucky subscribers who are going to see Tiger’s balls pop out in 3D.
This just came in Moe. Tiger announced he’s excited to get back to golf and play with his balls. He’s just wondering what the public’s reaction will be.
Hey Joe, I hear Joslyn James is planning to be at Tiger’s Master’s grand opening. Isn’t she something Moe? I’ll bet she’ll yell, “Tiger you can put your balls in my hole.”
Moe, Tiger needs a lesson in good manners. He should not have said, “Goddamnit, you suck!” Tiger probably meant to say as those nasty plane banners flew by “Shucks! I miss those sluts.”
Joe, do you know the difference between Buddhism and Bootyism? A good screw.
Moe, I heard Trojan condoms wants to be Tiger’s new sponsor with a company slogan “Protect Your Peck.”
Hey Joe, Tiger missed the cut at Quail Hollow tournament. Guess he had his mind on those sluts Moe.
Did you hear Tiger say he had a neck injury Moe? I thought it would be a peck injury from those “hoes” Joe.
Hey Burt! Did you hear the latest dirt? What is it Harry? Tiger just came out with a new sex game. It’s called “Cheetah Repeater.”
Harry, I heard Tiger did not win the U.S. Open. Burt, his balls were too big for the holes.
Hey Joe! What is it Moe? Heard Tiger switched from eating breakfast at Perkins Restaurant to Hooters as the gals are a lot cuter. His favorite dish is grits and “hot sausages.” Tiger likes when the waitresses take a bite.
I’ll betcha Moe now that Tiger is divorced he can’t wait to get his paws around those whores.
Look who’s coming to Celebrity Rehab 4 Joe. Tiger’s #1 bang, Rachel Uchitel. This slut wants big bucks – It sure pays to f – – k. Now she’ll get paid as a celebrity just for whoring around the town.
Can Tiger’s new goatee tickle a pussy?
Harry – What Burt? Now that Tiger is divorced he can bang any whore. Maybe they don’t want him anymore. I heard he’s cheap and nasty. The guy has no class when it comes to a piece of ass.
Burt – What Harry? I hear this dame, Devon James tried to “stick it” to Tiger. You mean he “stuck his dick?” Well that’s probably true for a good screw, but James is looking for fame just like the other porn dames. She tried to ram him with a sex tape scam. Some look alike Woods’ guy posed in Nike clothing setup for a commercial. Is there anything more hurtful than “Tiger the jerk?”
Hey Burt! What’s up Harry? Tiger just paid $50 million bucks for his Jupiter pad where there are enough rooms to fuck “50 sluts.”
Soar loser Tiger roars for more whores!
Moe we now know what Tiger does when he has a fit? He spits. It just shows how that Tiger can’t control what comes out of his mouth.
What makes Tiger happy? When the girls are looking at his balls.
Tiger misses putt as his mind was only on a good f – – k!
Woods plays a losing game ’cause lately he hasn’t fucked a dame
ECONOMIC COMEDY (POKE POLITICAL FOLKS)
By the way Harry, is it “Stimulus” (or) “Stimuless?” I’m not sure Burt – I think the government wants to confuse us.
Do you know what happened to all that “Stimulus” money Harry? No Burt, where did it all go? Well, the economy is still the same so I guess the money went down the drain. Obama says it went for “Shovel-Ready Projects” but no money was left for the shovels. Why can’t a man just dig with his hands? You should ask Obama. He seems to have an answer for everything. Isn’t that why we elected him because he’s such a genius.
What is a U.S. recession? “Time off from work with no perks.”
What is global recession? “The World Stands Still.”
What is a depression? “Soup lines in tasty varieties.”
They fired me because I couldn’t afford the company’s health insurance. Then the IRS gave me a hefty penalty. Now I’m really sick from Obamacare politics.
Did you hear the latest news Moe? No, Joe. Well, in order to pass the Health Care bill they say “Uncle Sam” needs more revenue – He wants to tax the banks, the rich and private health care plans. Joe, who the heck is Sam? Moe, he must be somebody’s uncle on Capitol Hill.
Moe, what do you think about employees “working for free?” Joe, at least they have a job. But Moe, the boss wants to furlough his employees with no money. Joe, you know money isn’t everything.
My company is having a “wage freeze.” That sounds like a cool idea.
In this lousy economy, who says “money isn’t everything?” It buys food, clothing and housing. Well, we could eat leaves off the trees, become nudists and rent tents.
Why is money tight? Did you ever try to stretch a dollar?
I came home one day to find my house was gone. The government removed it from my lawn. What on earth went wrong? They discontinued “Cash for Clunkers Home Program.”
I can’t figure out how Obama got into office. Here’s a guy who doesn’t know how to connect dots.
President Obama’s future announcement to the American people. “You have nothing to fear my fellow Americans, but somehow the terrorists attacked us.” The buck stops with me. I take the blame. There’s not one person in my cabinet that thinks I’m a “lamebrain.”
Recent poll shows the President’s approval ratings have significantly dropped. Obama plans his strategy by moving the White House office to his vacation spot in Hawaii. He’s hoping to convince the American people that nicer views can improve his radical issues.
Are you a Democrat or a Republican? I’m an independent thinker. Oh, you’re one of those.
I heard the dollar was worthless in some foreign countries. Americans are trying to buy the Japanese Yen with Sen-Sen.
What did you think about Sen. Harry Reid’s racial Obama remarks? I thought Reid was a “wise white guy.”
What’s up Harry Reid’s sleeve? He tried to get special pork deals in Nevada, but his Democratic cronies don’t like baloney.
Go figure this one out Burt. Terrorists can now plead “not guilty. ” They’ve got rights like you and me Harry? Burt, this is democracy.
Burt, do you know why Nancy Pelosi was elected “Speaker of the House?” She’s smart Harry. No Burt – Members of the House of Representatives say she’s a “loudmouth.”
Moe, did you see Harry Reid yawning at Obama’s “State of the Union” address? Joe, Reid looked like he was bored to death. I’m surprised other Democrats didn’t take a nap.
Joe, did you notice Pelosi constantly getting up. It must be hard for her to sit on her can. Don’t they call that “clap mania?” She must have that disease Joe. No, she just likes to clap Moe.
Obama promises “bipartisan” as long as Republicans don’t oppose him.
Obama is not taking any chances. His new flight rules before boarding Air Force One – All secret service agents will have to go through body and hand scanners.
Obama is outrageous in Vegas! His new economic policy will stop change coming out of slot machines. He says, this is a good step in the right direction for people to start saving their money.
At a special news conference President Obama tells the American people “It’s my way or the highway.” Some Democrats are seen leaving Washington via the expressway.
Obama caught “lip-syncing” while giving a speech. The Prez says it only appeared to be “lip-syncing.” Actually I was falling asleep. Just ask Nancy Pelosi – She’ll vouch for me.
Here’s the latest political news. The tea party has turned into a coffee clutch. No more bagels and tea. It’s just donuts and coffee.
Sex change operations should be covered under the new Health-Care bill. Remember Obama’s campaign promise, “Change We Can Believe In.”
Obama to Biden – Get Real! You’re no f **kin’ deal.
Obama says I’m not a “Socialist.” Just trying to nationalize the banks, health care, Wall Street (financial reform) and private industry. Government control to cure America’s woes. That’s why the people voted for me so I could change the entire country.
Obama takes a stand on senior staffers at the SEC who were caught watching pornography. These guys work hard enough – They’re entitled to some good stuff.
President Obama wants the American people to know that no one from his administration bribes anyone. It’s the other way around, they bribe us.
Nancy Pelosi can’t seem to keep her big mouth shut as she speaks on “Health Care.” Protestors screamed and began to throw things, but Nancy refused to stop talking. The mean bitch just kept slamming her gavel stick!
BP CEO Tony Hayward accepts President Obama’s invitation to the White House with one exception, he prefers tea and scones to beer and pretzels.
Nero played his fiddle while Rome was burning – Why can’t Obama go golfing and BP CEO big shot Tony Hayward go yacht clubbing as oil continues to spill?
The Prez says, “I’m not concerned about job losses – unemployment benefits should fix it. BP oil company worries me.”
President Obama says he knows what the average American Joe is going through for his family is also experiencing hard times. He’s cut down on expenses taking his wife and children on Air Force One to Hawaii and Martha’s Vineyard.
Tony Hayward is finally getting his life back – BP is shipping him to Siberia.
Obama goes on “The View” not knowing the latest reality news. When asked who “Snooki” was he just smiled and shrugged. Who doesn’t know the “Jersey Shore” show. He certainly was unprepared. It leaves one wondering does Obama know what’s really happening to our economy.
This went down in history – Marie Antoinette, Queen of France danced around the Palace of Versailles. When told the citizens have no bread she said “Let them eat cake.” Michelle Obama sees fit to go on a luxurious trip to Spain at a time when people are living off of food stamps, out of work, and a bad economy. Marie Antoinette was not thinking of the people and neither is Michelle Obama. Why Spain and not the U.S.? Spending in our country keeps the economy rolling. Marie Antoinette was beheaded while Michelle Obama remains a “featherbrain.”
Did you see Obama on National TV trying to charm us with his new “Stimuless” policy? He’ll do anything for a Democratic victory besides joking.
Many states across the country protesting Obama’s Health Care Reform with their slogan, “Patients’ Bill of Fights.”
Obama’s new economic strategy – He’s hiring a team of Republican advisers.
Republicans and 10 moderate Democrats want to “oust the grouch” Pelosi Speaker of the House. Congressional leaders intend to make a sweeping move for this wicked witch with a broom.
Americans fear “Obamacare” – They’ve renamed it “Obamascare.”
Excuse me – What happened to the Tea Party? Oh! They just stepped out for a cup of coffee.
Trump says the American people are in the dumps. Donald Trump would like to fire President Obama because he’s bombed on relations with other countries and our economy. The only thing Donald sees is a nice man with lots of charm cracking jokes for the folks.
Nancy Pelosi is so happy. She couldn’t keep her mouth shut until she got the “2nd” spot as Minority Speaker of the House. Most Democrats see her as a dirty rat since they can’t get their jobs back.
While pitching a basketball Obama gets hit on the lip by a player’s elbow. If Obama can’t play a defensive game how the heck can we expect him to fix this rotten economy.
Obama’s political tricks – Bill Clinton takes over for Obama with his schpeel appeal on a tax extension deal while Obama steps out for some holiday partying with Michelle.
Nobama Drama! O’Reilly of Fox News asks Obama if he’s moving toward the center. The Prez says, “I go the way the wind blows.”
President Obama decides to run again for the presidency by throwing his golf hat into the ring.
Obama says he was born in Hawaii. Was it before or after U.S. made Hawaii a state?
Since President Obama visited a Toledo auto plant and seen how the bailout worked for the auto industry has come up with a new plan to save the American people from a dying economy. Americans won’t have to worry about losing their homes, cars and savings with his new programs for “job training.” As an example, a banker who lost his job in the financial sector can be trained on the auto assembly line.
President Obama says for the economy to grow it takes time, but Obama doesn’t have to stand on the unemployment line.
Obama speaks on “shovel-ready” stimulus program that never materialized. President cracks a joke stating “shovel-ready was not “shovel-ready” as we expected. But the “shovel is ready” to bury Obama for 23 million unemployed Americans and the rest of the nation are not voting for him in next election.
How can Americans get their fair share? Congressional leaders don’t seem to care. They take 5-week vacation break without resolving excessive federal spending and a fading credit rating leaving us poor slobs pounding the cement looking for a job. What does this all mean? We better learn to read and write Chinese for this will be only way to make a living as China owns the U.S. economy.
President Obama says he has a plan to create jobs and improve the slipping economy, but needs more time to think about it so he’s taking a two-week trip to Martha’s Vineyard for some relaxation, golfing and skinny-dipping.
Obama cracks under pressure from earthquake. His face looks like a “Milkshake.”
White House Cabinet shakeup after quake.
President Obama is calling for swift changes in immigration so he can keep his “alien in-laws” in this country.
Obama says his new “Jobs Package” should create at least 1 million jobs. That’s all the money government has. The other 22 million will just have to hope and pray that things get better one day.
Obama’s charm is now a lingering “stink bomb!” His economic policies smell to high hell.
Obama promised to have jobs and the economy rolling by the end of his presidency. Is that why he changed his slogan “Change we can believe in” to “We Can’t Wait.” Mr. President, you’re “Johnny Come Lately.”
President Obama says “Americans are lazy” but what about Congress that does nothing but sit on their asses wasting taxpayers’ money.
Why do some people say Obama’s “State of the Union” is un-American? Because they believe he’s a Muslim.
Obama is not a leader. The only thing he can do is “wing it” as a singer.
President Obama says “Things could be worse.” It certainly would be if you’re re-elected for a second term.
Obama how many times do we have to tell you – “Man, you’re not the law of the land.”
VP Biden says Obama has a “big stick.” Has Biden seen Obama’s p**ck?
Marine fired from military for putting Obama’s face on a donkey. Lawyer pleads it wasn’t a donkey – it was a monkey!
President Obama says the economy will get better – It certainly will when you leave the White House in November.
Obama constantly accusing Romney of “Romnesia” when it’s Joe Biden whose confused what State he’s in and calling Virginia Senate hopeful “Tom” instead of his correct name “Tim” Kaine. That’s why Obama needs Bill Clinton to help him win the election.
Obama doesn’t know if Egypt is friend or foe. That’s because he’s too busy spending time with Beyonce’ and Jay-Z.
President Obama gives undecided voters in key swing states 20-page picture pamphlet showing him wearing different swimsuits while vacationing in Hawaii.
Obama’s new campaign ad toward luring young women voters starring 26-year-old TV sex personality Lena Dunham says “Your first time shouldn’t be with just anybody, you’d want to be with a great guy who really cares and understands women like President Obama.” That’s who you’d want to do it with!
As the crowd cheered on the President’s re-election, was Obama shedding crocodile tears? A majority feared the election of Rich Mitt who couldn’t handle it, but what about Obama’s calamity of spending, fixing the fiscal cliff, those bitchy taxes on business, high unemployment, and cutting entitlements? The people want action not dissatisfaction. Once and for all, Obama get on the ball! We mean the ball, not your balls!
President Obama lets turkey off the hook, a Thanksgiving tradition. Panic-stricken chicken awaits its fate.
How did Obama win second-term election? There weren’t enough white men to vote against him.
At the Inauguration Obama’s daughter Malia was caught yawning and First Lady at Capitol Hill luncheon made a bitchface to someone she possibly hates. Thank God President Obama’s second four years was blessed with cheers!!!!
Have you seen the socialites in Vogue Magazine? Now you know where all our tax money is going. Partying, golfing and vacationing in sunny Hawaii while the economy is still recovering and our deficit is rising, but why should the Obamas have to worry. They’re having the time of their lives as the middle-class and needy are counting every penny. Isn’t the president and first lady supposed to be a model for our country? Instead we’re paying their bills for Obama’s tuxedos and Michelle’s designer party gowns to paint the town. Next thing you know they’ll be selling their clothes in Kohl’s like Marc Anthony and JLo.
President Obama extends his power to eavesdropping. So who wants Obama listening to your phone calls when he could be doing better things like sexting Michelle.
Putin’s solution on Syrian action. Have President Obama bet on Russian roulette.
Obama puts the blame on GOP for government shutdown, but at least it gives him more time to play his golf and pool games.
DIRTY WORDY NURSERY TIME RHYMES
Jack was out one day taking a walk and decided to climb the beanstalk. He found it quite awkward climbing up a ladder when an attractive woman yelled out “What’s the matter?” Jack thought to himself “Boy wish I could eat her and stuck up his middle finger. As soon as the woman saw that she yelled down to Jack “Hurry up, I’m looking for a bean f**k!
Once upon a time there lived a woman in a shoe with so many kids she didn’t know what to do. Then one day she decided it was time to get rid of the kids for her old man was looking to get screwed.
Stupid Peter Peter a pumpkin eater wondered why he had a wife and couldn’t keep her. His wife told Peter you may enjoy those scrumptious pumpkins, but I’m so much sweeter. Peter replied, “Sorry I was a pumpkin head when I could be sucking you in bed.”
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet. Then along came a spider who decided to sit down beside her. Miss Muffet was taken by surprise when it weaved a web that opened her thighs, but then the spider said “F**k” I got stuck.”
Georgie Porgie pudding pie kissed the girls and said goodbye. Along came some guys and Georgie unzipped his fly. He said are you “gay?” Then they all ran away.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, but when she got there Mr. Hubbard was bare. Mother Hubbard stared at his balls. That’s when Mr. Hubbard nailed her against the wall.
Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow? With silver bells and fellows all in a row dressed in cock tails and pretty maids looking to get laid.
How does Jane and Dick have fun? Dick gives Jane his stick. Jane plays with Dick.
I’ll be Jack – You be Jill. Let’s meet at the top of the hill and give each other a thrill. Jill forget to take her pill and had little baby Will.
Little Red Riding Hood took a trip through the woods. She met a hungry wolf who was looking for something to eat. Red Riding Hood invites the wolf over to her house for a treat. When the big bad wolf arrives he tells Red Riding Hood “You look good enough to eat.” Wolf stuck out his long tongue and reached for her under the sheets. Little Red Riding Hood asks the wolf if he enjoyed his treat.
Jack Horner sat in the corner playing with his dingy. His daddy came in and said “Jack what are you doing?” Jack replied “I’m just being naughty daddy.”
Mary had a little lamb as white as snow and everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go. Mary didn’t give a damn about the little lamb. She only thought how she could make it into Mutton Stew. Then one day the little lamb took off and Mary got screwed.
Hickory Dickory Dock when the clock struck twelve this mouse took off his jock strap and slipped his c**k into her overheated socket.
VAMPIRE JOKES FOR TWILIGHT AND BREAKING DAWN FOLKS
What will K-Stew do? Just wait to get screwed.
Bats attack K-Stew as she tries to get R-Pattz back.
Bella hooks up with a queer causing Vampire tears.
Vampire has a yummy bat snack attack!
Bella brings her Vampire fella to “Coachella.”
Vampire plans to give Vampiress for her “22nd” birthday a lifeless body.
Bella finds out the hard way when Vampire gives her a good lay.
R-Pattz and K-Stew boning like bunnies on Easter Sunday.
Vampire gets sweaty turning Bella into a hottie.
Edward goes cherry picking feasting on Bella’s cookies.
K-Stew wants a matching pair of vampire underwear. Then she can be deadly sexy!
Hot vampire puts Stew on backburner.
Vampire loves to nibble on K-Stew’s nipples. She says it tickles!
Liberty sues for her freedom from cheating director of Snow White after an affair one hot knight.
Vampire in the land down under biting pretty lassie asses.
R-Pattz and K-Stew purchase London flat after housekeeper got rid of the bats in attic.
Vampire spotted in NYC taking a bite out of the “Big Apple” and drinking Dr. Pepper’s Snapple.
Is vampire screwed? K-Stew heading to do Snow White and Huntsman sequel. Rupert dropped out of his directorial spot, but will another prince charming fall for the fairest of them all?
Affleck to “Focus” on K-Stew. R-Pattz not happy about that.
R-Pattz doesn’t know who is “One Direction” ’cause the only thing on his mind is an “erection.”
Look what’s brewing “Robstew” making baby. Is vampire happy he’ll be a daddy? What about cheating mommy?
Vampire loves Bella with every ounce of her blood.
Edward took up vampire acting because his descendants were bloodthirsty.
Vampire bites mummy which turns out to be a dummy.
Edward tells Bella even though I’m 104, I can still score.
Bella gets hot over Vampire’s curly locks.
Shirtless Jacob Black at breaking dawn shows Bella Swan his horn.
Vampire’s favorite food “Hot Stew.”
At breaking dawn Edward shows Bella his shlong.
Mr. and Mrs. Cullen go to their sexy cottage at twilight for a screw.
Snow White screws up Vampire’s life.
Rihanna wouldn’t mind the Vampire taking a bite since he told Snow White to take a hike.
Vampire forgives Snow White since he needs a new life.
Vampire has a bloody night with Snow White.
Snow White and Vampire had their first date meeting at the cemetery.
Suckers are born every minute.
I need a life and a Vampire wife.
I’d love to bite you, but I have a dental appointment.
Got dentures so I can’t bite you tonight.
I’ll have a Bloody Mary and your cherry.
Vampires favorite gum “Juicy Fruit.”
Count Dracula loves “Ice Scream.”
You got bat breath. Can you give me something to suck on?
I’d stake my life on it.
Love to ghoul around especially when I’m underground.
Cullens take coffin break.
You spike up my life.
Girls and Guys last call for Vampire “Blood Drive.”
Call 1-800-Vampire (I’m not on Daylight Savings Time)
DIMWIT JOKES FOR SLOW-THINKING FOLKS
I’m a flight attendant with “Virgin Airlines.” Does that mean you don’t screw around?
He “turned the tables” on me. Did he turn over the chairs?
He “missed the boat.” Did he catch a plane?
God only knows. How do you know? He told me so.
Why do we need brains? Think about it!
How many times are you going to tell me the same joke? Until you have a stroke.
Can you repeat that joke - I didn’t get it.
You suck! No, I don’t! I only f – – k.
A sucker is born every minute. So is a f – – ker.
They say you’re “Slow Joe.” No! That’s my brother Moe.
GHOST JOKES FOR “EERIE” FOLKS
You’re as dark as that sheet. I’m a black ghost who scares people from coast to coast.
You’re as white as a sheet. I’m a scary ghost who only frightens people from house to house.
Oh, I’m shivering! You must be afraid of us. No, I’m just cold.
By the way, I never knew there were two different ghosts.
Ghosts don’t discriminate against white or black folks.
Well how come you’re such small ghosts? If you like us we come in different sizes. Small, medium or large.
Do you have skeletons in your closets? No, only bones around our homes.
You certainly are eerie. No, we’re just scary.
Do you know any ghostly tales? Only spooky stories.
Can you tell me a few? Go to the library – Stop bothering us buster.
VALENTINE JOKES FOR “HOT” FOLKS
How did you like that charm bracelet I gave you for Valentine’s Day? I ate it.
What’s a great snack for a guy to give his sweetheart? Hot Sexy Nuts.
One guy says to another guy. “My wife is an angel.” The other guy replies, “My wife is the devil.” How do you know? She doesn’t have a pair of wings.
I see you’re all dressed up in red for “Valentine’s Day.” It’s the only way Fred will be able to recognize me as I just had plastic surgery.
You gave me a box of hollow chocolates. I thought they’d be easier to swallow.
This heart locket has another girl’s picture in it. Oh! I gave you the wrong locket.
The red roses you sent were wilted. It feels like I’ve been jilted. Honey, how can I make it up to you? By giving me a good Valentine screw.
BUNNY BIZNESS (YOLK JOKES)
Bunny buys his honey bunny an Easter gift – Then tells store clerk to “rabbit up.”
Bunnies hop, but do bunnies hump?
Bunnies like to beat up eggs.
When a bunny grows up what does it want to be? “Playboy Bunny.”
What foreign airline do rabbits use? British Hare-Ways.
This rabbit had a hoppy ending.
Why do rabbits eat carrots? Did you ever see a rabbit with eyeglasses?
Can I rub your rabbit’s foot for good luck? No, but you can rub me the right way for a good lay.
What did one egg say to another egg? You broke my yolk.
Stop being such a chicken. I can be a duck – Then we can “f – -k.”
Isn’t she a hot chick? I like the way her feathers tickle me.
What kind of soup do bunnies enjoy? Egg Drop.
Why do bunnies go to the gym? For eggercise.
What do bunnies get when they have bad feet? Bunions.
Why do rabbits go to the barbershop? For a shave and a hare cut.
Yolk Joke! You got egg all over your face. That’s my eggshell makeup.
Where does a cracked egg go when it’s depressed? To the psychiatrist.
Why do bunnies have large ears? Because they like to eat ears of corn.
What did one bunny say to another bunny? See if you can hop over me.
A bunny was hungry and decided to stop at IHOP.
Energizer bunny arrested for fraudulent cell phone charges.
How does a rabbit comb his fur? With a soft harebrush.
Two bunnies caressing in a vegetable garden. “Lettuce Love.”
When a bunny has a fever – It’s a “hot bunny.”
One rabbit said to another rabbit – Can you hare me?
He’s a good egg – Always cracking yokes.
Before you put all your eggs into one basket – Make sure you know the eggsact total.
Easter egg cracked from too much pressure.
An egg said something funny to another egg who replied, “You crack me up!” Now my thoughts are scrambled.
Look! It’s a hoppy bunny.
This bunny got into a very “harey” situation.
What’s two drunken bunnies in a card game? “Gin Rummy Bunnies.”
Easter eggs don’t discriminate – They come in white, brown and green if you’re an alien.
HOLLY JOLLY SANTA/NEW YEAR’S JOKES FOR “MERRY” FOLKS
Santa’s favorite dessert – “Snow Cones.”
How does Santa get around without his sleigh? He uses a “Snowmobile.”
Why is Rudolph the Reindeer so curious? Because he’s nosey.
T’was the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed. The elves forgot to wrap his gifts.
There’s no difference between ornaments on a Christmas tree and a priest. They both have balls.
What are you eating on Christmas eve? Eve!
Do you know why Kris Kringle is single? He faltered at the altar.
Your gift is not under the tree, it’s in the bed with me.
Harry, what are you doing for New Year’s eve? Burt, it’s just gonna be Eve and me celebrating.
Santa’s balls got caught in his sleigh.
Why was Santa mad at the elves? For not taking the toys off the shelves.
What did Jolly Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve? It’s time for me to “rap in the sack.”
Every time I want to be with you for the holidays you always get “cold feet.” How do you know I’ve got “cold feet?” – You’ve never slept with me. Sorry, I mixed you up with someone else.
What did a Christmas tree say to the Hanukkah bush? How come they didn’t cut you down – You’re still rooted in the ground? The Jewish bush replied, “Well that’s what you get for being a Scotch pine.”
How do polar bears make love at the North Pole? “Cuddly Bear Hugs.”
When Santa cuddled up to Mrs. Claus what did he say? “Kriss Me Baby.”
Jack Frost and Frosty the Snowman got into a snowball fight. Eventually they both agreed, “Let’s chill out.”
Why did Santa have sleigh trouble? Because his reindeer forgot to put on their fur coats.
What do elves hate to bake? Shortening bread.
What did one elf say to another elf? “Elf Me Baby.”
If anybody knows how to give a good “Snow Job,” it’s you. Hey, I never shoveled snow in my life.
What’s the story behind Rudolph the reindeer with a “red nose?” One snowy day Rudolph stayed too long in the cold and his nose froze.
Why does Jolly Santa say “ho, ho, ho?” He’s not allowed to say “ha, ha, ha.” When you live in the North Pole there are Christmas restrictions. So why doesn’t Santa move to the South Pole? Because Santa is too fat and too old.
Will Santa stop by my house? Only If you have a chimney. Well we don’t have a fireplace. Why can’t he come to the front door? That’s not the way he makes deliveries. I’m gonna be pissed if I don’t get my gifts from Santa for Christmas!
For girls who are naughty or nice – Santa knows how to spice up your life.
CRAZY JOKES FOR “NUTTY” FOLKS
I don’t like to be sneezed at since I don’t have a hanky.
Picture this – I was framed.
Your jokes stink. I didn’t know they smell.
Our company is very reliable. We should be there within the next 6 months.
Are you a “worrywart?” I don’t have to worry. I have no warts.
I’m burning bridges. How will you get back home?
I’ll “get your goat.” No you won’t – Not my goatee.
You can bank on me. Thanks for giving me access to your checking.
Why cry when you can die laughing.
I’d love to chew you out. Where would you like to start eating me?
Boyfriend asks girlfriend what she would like for breakfast. “Chock full of Nuts.”
I like to mess around. Then you better clean up the kitchen.
You are a “meat head.” I’m a vegetarian.
You’re driving me crazy. I don’t own a car.
I’m gonna cop a feel. With a police officer?
I need you like this hole in my head. Is that why you’re empty-headed?
She’s stuck on you. Can you remove the glue?
What’s the last movie you saw? “SAW”
She’s a stranger in the night. Is she friendly during the day?
I can “f – – k” you anytime. No you can’t! I’m only available lunch time.
Why do jerks get hurt? Does anyone know the answer?
You’re trashy thoughts are all over the place. I’ll clean ‘em up.
He laughed his head off. Did he put it back?
Do you have a Bachelor or University degree? Bachelor since I’m single.
I play it safe. What do you mean? I walk very carefully.
How many jerks do you know? Only you!
There’s something wrong with this picture. It’s upside down. Put on your glasses.
You’re a creep. It takes one to know one.
You have that “Midas” touch. Is that why everything turned to gold?
Attention: Block Buster is in bankruptcy – No need to return the videos – Only the movies.
Police arrest this guy for downloading “Kiddy Porn.” He says the computer got attacked by his horny pussy.
He has a chip on his shoulder. Why doesn’t he take it off. It’s too heavy.
You look like a smart alec. No, I’m joe schmoe.
The boss gave him a “pink slip.” Maybe he’s gay.
I like fast food. I prefer slow cookin’.
You’re as cool as a cucumber. I can be a “Hot Tamale.”
How do you know he’s “Mr. Right?” Because he’s never wrong.
You’re a “Peeping Tom.” My name is Joe.
I got a ticket for Jaywalking. How come Jay didn’t get a ticket?
You are what you eat. Is that why you’re so fat?
It takes two to tango. I don’t know how to dance.
I’m returning the car. Why? It’s a lemon. I thought yellow was your favorite color.
Are you on the graveyard shift? I don’t work at a cemetery.
He lost his head over you. Did he find it? No, he’s still searching.
Pardon my French. Excuse my dirty English.
You’re barking up the wrong tree. How do you know it’s not the right tree?
I have a Charley horse. Well my horse is named Eddie.
Lend me an ear. Only if you return it.
That’s the last straw. No it’s not – I got another box.
Curiosity killed the cat. Do we know what killed the dog?
I walked a crooked mile. You must be dizzy.
I’m on pins and needles. That must hurt.
Do you have a circle of friends? No, most of my friends are square.
You’re a busybody. That’s what the guys tell me.
They’re gonna roast you at the party. Who’s cookin’ me?
How do you feel? With my hands.
Was that car expensive? It cost me an arm and a leg.
Put your best foot forward. Which one? They both look alike.
Are you awake? No! I’m sleeping. Then how can you be talking to me? I talk in my sleep.
I just got up from this horrible nightmare. What was the dream about? “You!”
Is “Holy Shit!” sacred? If God blessed it.
Can you lend me a hand? Which one do you want the right or the left?
Do you pass gas? I certainly do – Every time I pass the gas station.
You’re always talking dirty. I can talk clean. Just have to wash my mouth with Listerine.
Either you’re stupid or smart. There’s no in between. What about half-wit?
Why do priests like to eat swiss cheese? Because it’s holy.
I’m leading a double life. How is that? I have a twin sister.
Who was that girl you took out last night? I couldn’t tell, she was my blind date.
You can kiss my ass. I’ve never kissed a donkey.
It’s either my way or the highway. I’m taking a different route.
Can you crack a joke? Sure, why not – I can break it apart.
Are you in the dog house? No, I’m in the pussy house.
Laughed my head off. I knew there was something different about you.
What kind of nuts do you enjoy? Starts with the letter “p” – Like “pen- -?
I lost my memory. I’ll help you find it.
You’re always screwing around. Is there a better way to do it? Yeah! Up and down.
Misery loves company. Don’t invite me.
You’re a “crackpot.” I’m no drug addict.
Time on your hands? Wipe it off.
Stupidity runs in your family. It does not – I’m the only stupid one.
I’m the census taker. Are you an African, Caucasian or Hindu? Can’t you tell just by looking at me?
You have a big heart. How would you know – You’re not a doctor.
You’re killing me! I never touched you.
You got a “poker face.” I guess it shows how much I love playing poker.
Man, you’re full of shit! I am full of shit especially when I take your crap.
Is your house in “apple-pie order?” I don’t buy apple pies.
You’ve got egg all over your face. I just ate breakfast.
You’re a hog. Do I look like a pig? You really want to know?
Let’s shoot the breeze. How could I shoot the breeze? I don’t own a gun.
Have you saved for a rainy day? It never rains where I live.
You look like “Plain Jane.” How did you know my name?
Put up or shut up! Hey, enough is enough. I can’t put up with you continuously telling me to shut up.
You’ve got to have the last word. No, I don’t. See – There you go again!
You can’t have your cake and eat it too! I just ate a delicious chocolate cake.
I’m in a hole. Here’s a shovel – Go dig yourself out.
Moe, leave no stone unturned. Joe, do you know how many stones there are in this world?
Holy cow! I didn’t know there were religious cows – God bless the animals.
You’re a real pig. Is there a fake one?
You have a forked tongue. Oh yeah! You have a spoon tongue. What the heck is a spoon tongue? Not as sharp as a fork.
Don’t cry over spilled milk – It could have been imported wine.
I need some “shut-eye.” What about the other eye?
Get out of my face. How the heck did I get in there?
I don’t like you hanging around me all the time. How does a few seconds appeal to you?
Eat those words! Do they taste good?
I got up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. What do you mean? It wasn’t the right side.
You electrify me. Really? I’m shocked.
Don’t be stupid all your life – Half is enough.
You’re a riot! Where’s the crowd?
You smell funny. That must be my cooking honey.
Oh go ahead and tickle me. Why? I want to see if I’m awake.
Moe, I betcha you didn’t know that God mends all souls? Joe, maybe I can give God my shoes to fix ’cause my soles got holes.
Who are those funny looking people? That’s your family.
You’re full of baloney! How did you know what I just ate?
I’m tired of you! Oh go to sleep and count sheep.
I’m special. Oh Yeah! What makes you so special? There’s nobody in the world like me. You ain’t kidding.
Show me yours – I’ll show you mine. No way, I’ve got a secret opening. Really? You need a key to my kingdom. There’s no other way to get in. Well, I know how to make a hole.
You’re pathetic! I’m just getting started.
The “grass is greener on the other side.” There is no grass on this side.
How stupid can you be? You’d be surprised!
You’re “nutty as a fruit cake.” When did you ever taste a nutty fruit cake? I Never ate one – I’m just not crazy about nuts.
Asked this guy if he wanted to buy the Brooklyn Bridge. He replied, I got a “steel of a deal” for George Washington’s Bridge. By the way, which side did he buy, New York or New Jersey?
You’re dead wrong. That’s not true. I’m still alive – So I’m right!
You caught my eye. Want it back? No, that’s just my spare. “I see.”
When climbing the ladder to success – Make sure it’s sturdy!
Who died and made you boss? God! You can’t be serious? Why not, I got good connections.
Hey Moe, what do you think about living on the moon? Joe, what bothers me is that I won’t run into anyone I know.
You’re all washed up. No, I’m not. I forgot to take a shower.
“JERKY TURKEY” JOKES FOR WISHBONE FOLKS
Where did the Pilgrims land? At a Hard Rock Place.
What part of the turkey do you enjoy? Turkey Balls – They’re the best!
What did the turkey say when it got dipped in gravy? Now I’m really messed up.
Two turkeys hoping for a better life – Let’s get on the “gravy train.”
When turkeys get together for a summer party – They pec-nic.
What did one turkey say to another? Stop using that “fowl” language.
Two turkeys stitched together. “I’m stuck on you.”
“Turkey slams the Ham” – Stop being a hog!
“Ham slams the Turkey” – I’ve had enough of your “gobble-gobble.”
“Turkey Snitch” Hey Mom! Tom got into the hen house.
“Turkey Talk” Let’s make love before they stuff and cook us in the oven. What should we do? You can play with my drumstick while I caress your breast. That’s the breast piece I ever had.
What do you like white or dark meat? Who cares as long as the breast is nice and sweet.
SCARY FOLKS HALLOWEEN JOKES
What happens to a pumpkin when it gets mashed. Squash!
How do you repair a broken-hearted pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
What did one skeleton say to another skeleton? I’m just a “bag of bones.”
Why are you screaming? A vampire sucked blood out of me.
What do witches like to eat? Sandwiches.
Witch with a nervous condition – Twitch.
What can witches do well? They can spell.
Why do witches go to hell? Because they have hot spells.
Look! It’s a scary scarecrow. Stay away from my hay!
“Pumpkin Eater” It’s nice to meet a cute orange fruit. Can we bump pumpkins? As long as you don’t make a hole in my face.
One pumpkin to another pumpkin – Heard there’s a shortage of pumpkins this year. Boy, do I hate to be minced in a pinch.
This pumpkin complains to another pumpkin – I’m all dried up. Please help me! Here, you can have my “juicy fruit.” Gosh, I hope you don’t shrivel up. Don’t worry, I’ve been around long enough.
CLEAN & DIRTY JOKES FOR PLAIN FOLKS
I don’t give a “rat’s ass” about her. What about her “pussy ass?”
This cat is looking for a pussy.
You can search my engine anytime.
Does Daffy Duck “f – – k?”
You got some pair of balls. How would you know? I saw them.
Will you be my “Sugar Daddy?” Only if you suck me.
The first year of my marriage was hard, but after that he was soft.
She’s got a cute ass – That’s not her ass – It’s her face.
He gave her the finger – Which one?
I got screwed – Good for you.
Why are you shaking your ass? I got ants in my pants. Don’t sit on me.
Is that your rooster? No, it’s my cock.
I love to suck “tootsies.” Tootsie Rolls? No, those cute sexy girls.
It’s a “Cock and Bull” story.” I just want to know what happened to the “Cock?”
Would you rather eat or have sex? I can do both. “Pussy Eating.”
Do you like Tom, Dick or Harry? I prefer Dick.
Do you know how to grind? Sure do – That’s where I put my meat into.
I live in the red light district. Where’s that? “Little Whore on the Prairie.”
What’s a word that rhymes with duck? You have a dirty mind. What’s dirty about a duck?
Do you live in the city? No, I’m just a cuntry girl.
What’s been eating you lately? My boyfriend.
I’m in like Flynn. Flynn never got in.
This guy really turned me off. Let me show you how I can turn you on.
I’d bend over backwards. That’s my favorite position.
Have you lost all your marbles? No, I still have two balls.
Former VP Al Gore denies Portland masseuse played with his hot dog.
Do you eat dates? I sure do – Eat everyone of my girlfriends I take out on a date.
Stop pulling my leg. I thought it was that other thing in between.
I’m looking for a snow job. We only do blow jobs.
Meg, you’re like a chicken without a head. Ken, you’re like a hen without a pecker.
Cat got your tongue? I don’t have a pussy.
I can’t stomach you. Then kiss my ass.
I would love to have sex with you. Sorry, but I’m booked till next year.
Have you seen my “shtick?” I don’t like dirty talk. I said my “shtick” not my “p _ _ _ k.”
You’re a joke. You’re a bigger joke. How big is that?
What’s a “cool Italiano?” Italian ices.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. You never told me anything a thousand times. You know what your problem is? What? You can’t count!
I have second thoughts. What were your first thoughts?
I’m turning over a new leaf. What happened to the old leaf? It withered away one autumn day.
Why are you in the insane asylum? They say I wasn’t thinking straight. Maybe they would have put me in a different place if I had crooked thoughts. What do you think? You’re not all there. That’s incorrect – I am here.
Do you believe in love at first fright? I don’t mind her screaming ever now and then.
Where can I find a hooker? Just go to “Craigslist.”
Are your neighbors a “pain in the ass?” – Haunt them to death.
The secret to a happy marriage. Don’t screw up!
I used to have a different life. Where was that? In a different world.
You don’t have to shout, I can hear you. But I can’t hear you!
I’ll keep an eye out for you. What’s the other eye going to do?
You have one blue eye and one brown eye. They give me a better view on life.
You look French. Really? You don’t look like an American.
I’d like a new life. This one isn’t working for me. Here’s your refund.
You don’t have a leg to stand on. Oh yes I do. See my false one.
Pardon my back. Excuse my front. What about sides?
I’m mad about you. Don’t come near me. You’re crazy!
Your dog barks all day long. Okay, I’ll reverse it – He’ll bark all night long.
A penny for your thoughts. Boy, are you cheap!
You’re not too bright. Gosh! I forgot to turn my lights on.
All you do is gossip. What else is there to do? Shut up and screw.
Life is the same old thing every day – Living and breathing!
I can’t stand you. Then sit down. Maybe you’ll feel differently about me.
You’re a soda jerk. You just hurt my feelings.
You’ll die laughing after you hear this joke. I’m not listening, I’d rather live.
You rub me the wrong way. I’ll show you how to rub me the right way.
Do you want to tell a clean joke? Then wash your mouth with soap.
Dirty jokes arouse the old folks.
Dopes tell stupid jokes.
This is cool! Good Humor jokes told by the ice cream man.
This is hot! Why is sex the best? “Saks” Fifth Avenue department store where shoppers get more.
Kopy and paste your date. Now you have a lifetime mate.
Experience is the best teacher. The teacher was my best experience.
This is a really dirty joke folks. Some kid was shoved into a pile of mud.
Mister, can ya spare a dime? If I had money, I would sit up all night counting it.
What happens to money when you put it in the fridge? “Frozen Assets.”
I need money in a hurry – Make sure it’s all in one dollar bills.
Are you for real? No, I’m fake.
When opportunity knocks open the door – It could be a whore! What more could one ask for? Two whores!
Are you stupid or smart? Let me think about this for a while.
I’m over the hill. It’s too far for me to walk.
I’ve fallen for you. Can I help you get up?
I screwed up. Really? I screw lying down.
You don’t have your head on straight. I didn’t realize it was on crooked.
Never met a person I didn’t like, except you.
I’m blue over you. I thought you looked a little off-color.
I can’t stop laughing. What’s so funny? I hit my funny bone.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, what is a body without a bust? “Flat chested.”
Why are people dying to get into the cemetery? It’s “dirt cheap.”
Why are people dying to get out of the cemetery? They don’t dig it!
I’ve got my eye on that seat. Don’t sit on it!
Did you contact your optometrist?
I did a two-step with one foot. How’s that possible? I tapped “twice.”
Is that what you’re wearing? Why, you don’t like it? Go put some clothes on.
Your “poodle hairstyle” gives you that dog-face look.
I’m a slave in the kitchen, but I’m free in the bedroom.
You’re invited over for dinner – When my wife is not home.
Where is Second Avenue? Right after First. Can’t you read?
I never worry about making mistakes – I’ve got an eraser.
You’ve got “no brains.” So why am I thinking about you?
What is Manslaughter? When you slaughter a man in a pig pen.
This is a fishy story. “Fish tale of a whale.”
This is the end of the jokes my website friends.
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© Copyright 2014, a creation by The Jester from Westchester
(One laugh a day keeps the doctor away)
Francke the Lyrical Yankee (FLY)
All Rights Reserved